Given that the majority of what I write about centers around parenthood, it’s something of a job requirement for me to keep up with all the hippest trends, hottest gadgets, and biggest news in the world of parenting in order to find new material. Every morning I open up an RSS page containing the latest and greatest from a vast array of resources—Parenting.com, iVillage, Momversations, Strollerderby, ParentingHacks, MomLogic and the list goes on. Frankly, this daily tsunami of information is a tad overwhelming, not to mention repetitive.
In the past week alone, I’ve noticed at least a baker’s dozen or more article titles touting some variation of the headline, “Fun and Easy Cookies You Can Make with Your Child This Christmas.” Seriously? Are there really that many different fun and easy cookie recipes out there? I had no idea. At some point it occurred to me that maybe I should throw together a spreadsheet with a crude rating system to determine which of the umpteen different cookie mixes could indeed claim the undisputed title of being the easiest and most fun. In your face MomLogic!
Even so, had I actually gone through with this ranking, the results would’ve been skewed since I intended to place a higher value on the “easy” aspect of the cookie’s production while assigning a much lower rating to anything capable of inciting the potential for “fun.” My rationale here was that very simple cookies, low in merriment, equated to a sweet treat my kids could mirthlessly churn out faster than a roomful of seven year-olds hunched over sewing machines in a back-alley Bangkok warehouse.
I eventually abandoned the idea, though, after coming to grips with the unrealistic expectations involved with such a notion. Still, my snickerdoodle sweatshop is more realistic than the utter fantasy being depicted in the photos that accompany these Christmas confectionery exposés. I kid you not, every one of these posts shows some skinny mom with air-brushed skin and perfect teeth standing in her gourmet-size kitchen where she scoops out another glob of golden cookie dough and plops in down on the bar for her angelic children—one boy and one girl of course—to sculpt into shapes so symmetric, only ancient alien technology could’ve been used in producing something so precise. Essentially, all these photos are some variation of a life-size Holiday diorama Martha Stewart farted out of her poop chute after hitting the eggnog a little too hard.
There’s something about the eerie mixture of Norman Rockwell’s classic, familial tradition and the Stepford Wives’ shallow, suburban psychosis in these pictures that causes me to both laugh and come unhinged all at once. I think what perturbs me is the message of parental inferiority these staged photos subconsciously communicate. Look how clean the counters are, Ron. And did you notice? No dirty dishes in the sink. On one level, I know it’s not real, and yet I can’t stop questioning why the Holidays around my house don’t mimic the pristine images of a spotless home, mouthwatering cookies, and laser-whitened teeth protruding from the mawkish grins of a totally fake family.
A fake family. That’s what I don’t have, and I’m glad. Yes, an afternoon of baking Christmas cookies can erode into a drunken fight rivaling those involving the cast of Jersey Shore, and sure, it’s not inconceivable that Groupon discounts for the local therapist may come in handy in the not too distant future, but at least all the emotion is authentic. And amidst all that emotion there will be love—it may get shoved back behind a package of ankle socks, but it will be there nonetheless.
About Ron Mattocks
Wall of text!
Yeah, my bad. Was so nervous I forgot about line breaks.
And I was worried that *I* had done it lol
Twitter Name: izzymom
Ah, the holidays are just peachy are they not. ;)
Twitter Name: thejackb
Peachy indeed. But I will say, I never remember any of the bad stuff after the holidays have passed so that’s got to say something right? Or maybe they’re repressed memories?
I vote for repressed. ;)
Twitter Name: thejackb
Jeez, Ron. You’re like, a great writer & shit. You should totally write a book. Oh wait.
Go Sugar Milk!
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Write a book? No way. Not after the nervous breakdown I had with the last one. Wait… huh?
(Thanks)
Now every time I see a parenting magazine or other depiction of domestic tranquility, I will think of Martha Stewart’s farts. Cool.
Twitter Name: betadad
Isn’t that what we all think of anyway when it come to Martha? Of course there’s her Topless Christmas Special on SNL too.
snickerdoodle sweatshop! HA! :)
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
Yeah, they toil away like Keebler Elves while I sit on the couch all cozy in my Snuggie and eat them. It’s a beautiful thing.
And here’s a scene from my own kitchen.
5-year-old: “Mom, can I decorate the gingerbread cookies?”
Me: “No, they’re for your class party.”
Right, because I wouldn’t want the kindergarten teacher thinking I’d send in cookies actually befouled by a kindergartner. Bite me Martha-types.
Bwahahaha!
[wiping tears from eyes - *sigh*] …I can relate.
Suck it up, Mattocks. I spent 4 hours Saturday brewing up 7 highly potent gallons of eggnog, most of which goes to getting my neighbors properly blitzed so they forgive all the landmines my dog leaves on their lawns. ‘Tis the season.
Twitter Name: homeanduncool
Eggnog or did you mean white lightning? When did you move to the hills of Kentucky, and how do I get to your place for the party?
We’ve got a small army of gingerbread men making camp in our kitchen. Of course, my slightly brownish Asian wife and my half-breed children wouldn’t make for pretty Stepford/Martha/Norman Rockwell classic. Neither would the sink full of dishes or the icing streaked table. Oh well, they’re messy, but they’re real. Not that I’d mind the gourmet-size kitchen.
You always seem like you’ve got the fun stuff going on at your place… I do believe I recall someone cutting grilled cheese sandwiches into the shape of little men. I’m nominating you next time one of these parent mags is looking for someone to write up a piece about, “Fun & Easy Sandwiches You Can Make with Your Kids.”
Every time I serve Christmas cookies to guests, I always inwardly laugh about the fact that they are probably ingesting about a 1/4 cup of my kids’ spit. You know, from licking the bowl, eating half the sprinkles and then putting them back, etc.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
That’s hilarious. Guess it’s the secret ingredient that makes them taste so yummy. “Sorry about you’re getting mono, Santa. On an unrelated note, how’d you like the cookies and milk we left you.”
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
We Scrooges do not bake Christmas cookies. We go to our neighbors’ holiday parties and steal all of theirs, stuffing our pockets full and make hasty exits. Then we gorge ourselves later while drinking heavily.
Merry Christmas. (Burp)
Twitter Name: didacticpirate
This falls in line perfectly with dictionary.com’s definition of “pirate.”
(noun) “a person who uses or reproduces the work or invention of another without authorization.”
I like your line of thinking.
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
I feel your pain…we’ve set aside the day tomorrow to, God help us, make Christmas cookies. Meantime, I’m laughing about this cookie art on the NY Times website: http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/16/let-it-dough/
Hope you all survived cookie time. And that cookie art was genius.
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
Survive was the operative word. The afternoon devolved into Mom struggling to mix and roll out the cookies while Dad struggled to keep two kids from bouncing off the walls, each other, and Mom. Now I know any sort of planned family time has to involve getting the hell out of the house. Cookies. Bah. They never never did get finished. Someone should do a realistic photo based on the ones you talk about in your post. You know, insanely grinning mom with cookie dough in her hair, her apron half yanked off, one kid climbing into the counter while another methodically empties out the cabinets while mom’s distracted, and dad hunts for something to take the parenting edge off.