How to Put a Dollar Bill in a Go-Go Dancer’s G-String

I fell in love with Moose in the Kitchen years ago. And I am certain you will fall in love with her too. I mean, all you have to do is watch this video and you will sold. For the record, she’s not really a moose. She just plays one on the internet. Her real name is Amber and she’s awesome. ~Ali

Stare blankly at the dollar bill you’ve just been handed. Be informed that it’s not for you, it’s for the girl on stage who’s actually earning it. (Because anyone who can do that with nipple tassles deserves a dollar.) Register your suspicion that the owner of the dollar bill really wants to do it himself but is being a big, fluffy chicken. Be told, “I want to watch you do it.”

Gamely grab the dollar before understanding that he probably expects teeth or cleavage to be involved. Specifically, your teeth or cleavage. Decide you’re not nearly drunk enough for that kind of nonsense and try to fight your way back to the bar for another drink. Weave dangerously as you attempt your first step and admit that you are, in fact, quite drunk enough. Drunk enough to put a dollar in a go-go dancer’s g-string and maybe (maybe) even drunk enough to consider putting that dollar between your pearly white teeth for the dancer to grab in a mercenary tribute to the Male Lesbian Fantasy.

First rule of putting a dollar in a g-string: Don’t approach the stage just as the dancer turns her back. This will leave you standing awkwardly at the foot of the stage, holding a dollar bill, and watching a butt swing back and forth in a proximity that is just a wee bit too close for comfort considering the immense task it is to simply stand up straight. Possibility of passing out headfirst into a go-go dancer’s swinging butt = Too Horrifying To Contemplate.

Wait for her to turn around.

Wait for her to turn around.

Idly contemplate the glitter adorning the swinging butt. Wonder how it got there. Does it come in a spray can? Did she spread it on a chair and sit in it? Do all the chairs backstage have sparkly butt prints?

Wait for her to turn around.

Ages pass and civilizations fall as you wait for her to turn around.

She turns around.

Begin frantically waving the dollar bill. She approaches. You realize that her scanty outfit leaves you with only two choices, as no large corduroy pockets have magically sprouted in her bikini. Wish for large magical corduroy pockets. Drunkenly rubbing her butt in hopes that a genie will emerge and grant you corduroy pockets is a sure sign that far too much vodka has been consumed.

Vow never to drink vodka again. Ever.

She’s waiting for you to give her the dollar. Decide that the gold string on her hip is a good deal safer than going anywhere near the nipple tassles. Gingerly tug the string and shove in the dollar bill.

She graciously winks one large, glitter encrusted eye and says, “Thanks, baby doll.”

Stumble back to your seat and send a quick thanks to the patron saint of Tipping Mostly Naked Girls that you didn’t stumble into her and grab something X-rated or put a dollar bill between your teeth.

Because, really. Do you know where those dollar bills have been?