I treat every Target cashier like a close friend.
It makes perfect sense. These are the people bagging my most treasured items. It’s pretty much just like having sex, so obviously I get all chatty afterward.
Sometimes the cashiers are patient, but the one helping me last weekend wasn’t.
“Did you find everything you were looking for?”
“No. I was looking for a lot of things I didn’t find.”
“Oh, like what? Maybe I can help.”
“Jesus.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah, I was looking for Jesus to tell him thanks for the belt. I wasn’t even looking for a belt, but it was just sitting in the shoe section waiting for me. Today is Sunday, so obviously it was divine intervention.”
“So, you were wandering around looking for Jesus?”
“Yes… but it wasn’t like I was calling for him like a lost kid or something. That would be weird.”
“Did you find him?”
“No, Jesus isn’t so easy to find. Do I look like a person who spends a lot of time finding Jesus?”
“I’m not exactly sure. I don’t actually know you.”
“Well I’m not. Jesus seems a tad boring for me. My ideal Jesus would wash his hair more often, get a tan and tell a ton of really funny ‘your mom’ jokes.”
“I can’t really picture Jesus telling those kind of jokes.”
“Really? I do all the time. Just the other day I was thinking about how funny it would be if a bunch of people were sitting around talking about their close personal relationships with Jesus and he would walk in the room and say: I have a very personal relationship with YOUR MOM! Now, that’s my kind of Jesus.”
“Well, I hope next time you find what you’re looking for. Do you think you could go now so I can help the next customer?”
See? Bullshit. I had tons more examples of Jesus telling ‘your mom’ jokes. It’s like she didn’t even care. That’s the last time I let a female cashier touch my treasures. Next time I’m going to the dude with shaggy hair. I have a feeling that guy would appreciate touching my treasure.
About Aiming Low Does Good
I’ve already re-read this three times because I’m laughing so goddamn hard!! So love this post. (so does your mom)
LMAO!!! Too funny!! I’m tweeting this shit!
Twitter Name: lovinstilettos
I always get the same creepy mongrel-looking cashier who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about my jokes.
And yes, I tell jokes to the cashiers, too. It’s like we Aiming Lowers have a sense of humor or something.
Or something.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
bahahaha… this is freaking hilarious!! ‘your mom’ jokes are always the best when you’ve been drinking… btw, i know plenty of dudes who would love to have a ‘close personal relationship’ with your mom. i hear she’s hottt!! :)
Twitter Name: honeybunny1081
Jesus is actually down here in Florida. I ran into him the other day and he asked me when you were coming to get drunk with me. He makes some pretty good wine. And vodka.
And that poor cashier went home and twittered about how much she hates her job because of the nutjobs that she has to deal with every day.
I hope you’re proud of yourself.
;)
Twitter Name: Dumblond
Dying of laughter right now.
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
OK, I can appreciate your attempt to connect with a stranger. Especially when sometimes it feels like people make an attempt to avoid speaking to each other. But, did you consider that joking about Jesus might be offensive to the cashier? I assume you’re not a Christian. Fine, no judgment here. But maybe that person was and you mocking Jesus so thoughtlessly could not have been more offensive. Keep that in mind when you step into sensitive territory with people you don’t know.
That’s actually a pretty lame joke.
And some people wonder why cashiers are so bitter. We hear stupid jokes after jokes and deal with people like you all day, then people expect us to smile and ask them about their day. Your joke can be offensive to her or any other Christian.