Survivor Heroes and Villains Recap, Week Three: ‘That Girl is Like a Virus’

The Heroes are down in the dumps after the last tribal council. But immediately on returning to camp James defuses the situation by saying “we got to stop losing people… am I saying it wrong?” Tom just says that there is a lot of frustration and James could have been gentler, but after some bro hugs are passed around it’s obvious that everyone just wants to get along regardless of how they feel about each other.

JT apologizes to Tom for betraying him by voting for Stephanie which Tom doesn’t buy completely but he’s all “I’m a big boy.” Tom and Colby are still tight but it’s kind of obvious they are a minority alliance.

Meanwhile in Villaintown, romance is freakin’ blooming everywhere and making me nauseous. Rupert is hooking up with Parvati (!!!? I KNOW), Coach is massaging Jerri’s hair (bile. in. throat.) and Rob is watching everyone. Rob pronounces that who sleeps next to who is the clearest way to see where the alliances are. And he’s spot on.

Day Seven.

Herotown: We are back to chasing chickens and this activity has brought the team out of their funk. Yes that’s right, chickens are the key to world peace. Everyone is bonding and smiling like it’s bible camp.

Villanville: More chicken chasing over here but it’s not bringing world peace. Russell is being called out on his relationship with the temptress known as Parvati. Coach and Rob both tell him that this is not cool. Russell is all ‘uh huh, right’ but in his 1-on-1 he’s all “those guys think they are in charge but they don’t know who they are dealing with… I’m Russell dammit!”

Coach thinks Parvati uses her female wiles to get her way and of course he would be correct, but he is also concerned that Parvati has many former team members on the Heroes tribe. Rob and Dragonslayer both think she will flip at the merge.

Russell tells Parvati he doesn’t want her voted out and while she does not trust anyone, she says she trusts Russell even though “he’s a lunatic.”

Oh Russell…he’s back up to his old antics (remember when he burned his former tribe’s socks in the previous season?). This time he hides the machete and then has the balls to set his sights on Rob’s beloved baseball hat as his next victim. OH NO HE WON’T! (oh yes, he might). Anyways. Russell hopes that by hiding the machete (thus preventing the killing of chickens, opening of coconuts, making fire, threatening of teammates, etc.) chaos will take hold and the faux leadership of Rob and Coach will be usurped by — who else?– but Russell.

Dude is a nasty player and I love it.

Day Eight:

Villainworld: Coach is doing yoga at sunrise and I could tongue kiss the editor who superimposed the sunrise onto Coach’s lame face. Because that shot made me laugh for about ten minutes.

The calm that Coach has long prayed for is slowly unravelling as team lazy-ass can’t be bothered to even look for the missing machete.

Heroworld: Candice is talking to JT and basically decides to inform him that she’d like to align with him. JT takes advantage of this confidence from Candice to plant a seed in Cerie’s head that Candice does not trust her (dirty!). Cerie passively confronts Candice about this and Candice freaks. She needs to know who told Cerie this since Cerie is withholding her source. Candice sets out to annoy all and sundry with her “Did you tell Cerie?” business right before the challenge. Girl, stop putting a target on your back.

REWARD / IMMUNITY CHALLENGE! HUZZAH!

It’s the sumo-style, mud-pit, rock-em, sock-em deathmatch for immunity that also includes a reward of personal possessions, some rice AND (wait for it….) coffee with all the fixings! If I was on either team, I’d be dead from the lack of coffee already. JT literally starts to shake when he hears coffee is up for grabs.

The Heroes must be relieved that this challenge involves no puzzles becuase let’s face it, the nice kids do not know how to solve puzzles that have more than 10 pieces.

First up: Tom vs. Russell. No contest. Russell is in the mud in no time flat.

Colby goes all testosterone when yelling “YAAAAAAAH!” to cheer on Tom. He sounds like he’s on steriods.

Next match sees Candace face off against Parvati. Again no contest, and while the fight lasts longer than the men, Candice puts Parvati IN. THE. MUD.

The third match features Rupert versus Coach. Oh this should be fun and it is. Coach goes all Dragonslayer, forgets that both hands must be on the pillow at all times and he actually pushes Rupert into the mud. Jeff Probst calls foul and it takes a long time for Coach to figure out that the play was discounted. A rematch is called and unbelievably, Coach gives Jeff THE FINGER. Coach has issues. Rupert takes advantage of Coach being off his game and slams him into the mud in no time flat.

Jerri versus Cerie.  Before you can even blink, Jerri’s in the mud.

Next: JT versus Tyson. A better match but JT throws Tyson off that platform in no time. Tyson being the weirdo that he is, gets up and kisses JT. FREAK.

Now it’s Danielle versus Amanda. They chase each other about and with a few strategic thumps to the body, Danielle is taking a mud bath.

The Heroes are slaughtering the Villains six to zip.

Colby versus Rob. Both go at it viciously but Colby soon bulldozes Rob into the dirt.

Danielle sums up how the Villains are feeling at this point in time:

Next is James against Randy. If James wins this, the Heroes win Immunity. Do I even need to tell you what happened? Well after James pushes Randy HARD into the mud with one push, he slammed his pillow down on Randy which was totally uncalled for but kind of funny. Testosterone makes people do strange things.

So it is The Villains who are headed to tribal council!

Back in Villainville: Randy is pretty sure he is on the block since he has not bonded with anyone. He is the old man on the tribe and has no alliances so he can sense his own impending doom. This makes him mad considering someone who is flirting their way around the show — Parvati — might be there longer than him. He scrambles around to anyone who’ll listen to try to convince them that he’s worthy of staying.

Meanwhile, Parvati is confronting everyone to find out who they are voting for. Jerri is sick of her and thinks Parvati is a virus. Jerri cannot stand how Parvati is so pushy and she wants to “punch her in the face.” Oh my word, Jerri is meeting her match methinks.

And what does Parvati think of Jerri? She called her ‘Fakey McGee’ who runs around behind her back bad mouthing her.

I can feel the love ladies, you two will probably form an alliance if you last long enough.

Yeah, so basically it’s between Randy and Parvati and now it’s time for Tribal Ewok Treehouse Council!

Baited questions from Jeff and once again we are talking about how much do past relationships count towards getting rid of players? Bor-ing. Then Jeff asks who the tribe’s leader is and Sandra responds by talking about how Rob is in charge if they are talking about building the shelter, it’s Rob, and when it’s getting things done around camp, it’s Coach — except he wanders away after delegating. OH SANDRA, THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS. Coach is offended. After Coach prattles on about the standards that one bases their votes on (yawn) and Rob talks about leadership on the tribe (double yawn it’s time to vote.

Jeff reads off the votes:

Randy
Rob (????)
Randy
Randy
Randy
Randy
Randy

It’s official, Randy is gone. No love lost here, that man sucks and in a dramatic cry-baby action, Randy throws his buff into the fire. Turns out that Randy voted for Rob to just screw with his big head. One last thing about Randy, is it just me or does he channel Nick Nolte or what?

On the next episode: Coach has a meltdown and cries. That man is so in touch with his girly side, I bet his period is in sync with his tribe.