Fat People TV

This is where I review this week in weight loss TV shows to try and inspire myself to not eat all of the damn birthday cake that seems to keep invading my kitchen.  I was down 12 lbs.  Then back up 4.  Because donuts are good and blood and needles are messy.  On the bright side, still down 8 which puts me right on track to be with the lame asses on Celebrity Fit Club…

Celebrity Fat Club, I mean Fit Club, is testing me.  These, so-called “celebrities” are drama whores and I have questioned their commitment to this from the beginning.  Sebastian Bach:  “I’m just waiting for this to be over so I can pig right the fuck out.” Spoken like a true fat ass getting paid to be on a weight loss show.

Jay McCarroll and Kevin Federline are the only ones here to lose weight and not cash in on their last few dwindling minutes of “Celebreality” fame.

I watch this shit for motivation- PEOPLE!  I want to see  results to give me the swift kick in the ass I need, but all I’m getting is celebrities are pussies and unstable queens.

Bobby Brown is afraid of heights, dogs and shackles.

The show is morphing into the  Sebastian and Tanesha cray cray freak show.  You know there’s a problem when Bobby Brown and K-Fed appear to be the THE SANE ONES! God help us all.

Sebastian rips a plastic poncho off of a camera man because it’s raining  during a challenge “give me a poncho or I fucking quit” because, well, his hair…

could get frizzy and stringy and… oh that’s right- IT ALREADY IS!  Acidic rain melts his bi-polar brain slightly and he hits the unsuspecting camera man and gets into a screaming match with Tanesha- the other resident lunatic- yelling at her “go fuck your weave!”  He’s really got a good heart.

I was starting to lose interest and compassion for these assholes and their lack of commitment… then they got videos from home.  And suddenly, they all seemed human- well, closer to humans.   Their families, kids, parents, KayCee’s husband that hasn’t come out of the closet yet and K-FED’S NEW GIRLFRIEND all gave them a little nudge of support to keep them going (even though they see them everyday and only go to the fit camp 2 days out of the week- like I said- PUSSIES.)

After four weeks, Jay is clearly the stand out, Kevin is close behind and the others.. are … less impressive.

Jay-18lbs/Kevin-14lbs/Tanesha-11lbs/KayCee-11lbs/Sebastian-9lbs/TENA-8lbs/Bobby-7lbs/Nicole-6lbs/Shar-6lbs

And finally, we have the long awaited return of The Biggest Loser- I am so glad that the Olympics are over- a girl can only watch DVR’d episodes of Will and Grace for so long before she starts to drink and pop pills like Karen!  I blame my 4lb weight gain on the Olympics, by the way.

We open in the midst of a challenge between Darrell and Cheryl for an elimination.  It was a lame cliffhanger that Darrell had the underhand in due to his bad knees.  In a not so shocking twist, Darrell lasted under 10 minutes in a squatting position (looking like a dork with a lit torch on his head, to boot) and was sent packing.

This week, we get into catty territory with the switching from partners to Bob’s blue team vs. Jillian’s black team.  A temptation challenge decides ONE person that gets to pick teams- this could get ugly.  And does.

It’s a fun challenge with a huge pile of cookies- that I could TOTALLY put a huge dent in.  Cookies that, by my trained eye, appear to be Duncan Hines’ Soft Batch Chocolate Chip Cookies and they are DELISH and 100 calories a piece.  They play a memory game of sorts of snack items.  If they don’t find a match on their turn, they have to eat a cookie.  If they DO find a match, they give the snack item and empty calories to their opponent.  They are looking for the golden ticket and that will decide who CHOOSES teams and trainers.

Michael and Drea are the only two with the balls to try.

Drea finds LOTS of matches including a “fruit pie” with 480 calories, a glazed doughnuts, and  a chocolate and peanut butter treat  (you may know it as A PEANUT BUTTER CUP- geez Biggest Loser- generic much?) and stuck Michael with 2310 calories of sugar that I’m certain wreaked havoc on The Biggest Loser toilets shortly after!  But the plunging was probably all worth it for Michael who found the “Golden Ticket” and retired to his lair to concoct his evil plan.

** Insert his evil, though slightly afeminite, laughter here**

After several boo hoo I am always selfless and this is the first thing I’ve ever done that is selfish pleas, (yeah, becoming 526lbs was a truly selfless act) he reveals his unfairly stacked teams. Jillian’s Black team: Sam, Cheryl, Stephanie, Ashley, Sherry, and Drea.  Bob’s Blue Team: Koli, Darris, Lance, Miggy, Sunshine, and Michael.   Michael puts himself on, what he considers, the stronger Blue team and decides to give O’Neal immunity (which I’m totally cool with because I loves me some O’Neal!)

Cut to Jillian’s head exploding, “this is like the most fucked up thing I’ve ever seen.”  She needs to take a closer look at Michael wearing his sweatband around his head channeling Olivia Newton John circa 1981 while sporting the white man fro… it’s not a good look.

Next, came a reward challenge. The reward was letters from home, but this was so predictable.  Who can pull a banner up from the ground while on the roof of a building fastest?   Who has more upper body strength…  5 women and 1 man whose weight combined is 1412lbs or 4 men and 2 women whose weight combined equals 1727 lbs? Even a monkey like me saw that one coming!  But the black team made it close… which got you thinking… hmmm… possible upset at the weigh in?

Blue team:
Mike: -15 lbs
Sunshine: -7 lbs
Lance: -5 lbs
Miggy: -4 lbs
Daris: -7 lbs
Koli: -10 lbs
%loss- 2.7

Black Team:
Drea: -5 lbs
Cheryl: -4 lbs
Sherry: -6 lbs
Sam: -8 lbs
Stephanie: -8 lbs
Ashley: -10 lbs

%loss-2.82

Can you say UPSET?  Michael’s plan backfired and his “BFF”, Miggy and her bad attitude was sent home. I can’t say I’ll miss her, but it was good to see in the transformation update that she has found meditation to get rid of all of her negative energy.  When she started The Biggest Loser, she weighed 240lbs and is now down to 179.

Darrell started at the ranch at 413lbs and is down to 293lbs and now fits into his beloved motorcycle jacket.

Tagged as: Biggest Loser, Celebrity Fit Club