There are some things I can’t do in public.
Like poop.
For real.
I don’t know what it is about public pooping that scares me, but I simply cannot do it. So knowing that about me I try and plan my life/activities around pooping so that I can move freely throughout each day without the fear of being in Target and needing to go.
It doesn’t always work.
Just the other day I was having lunch with a friend when I felt a familiar rumbling in my stomach. I started to panic. My whole body tensed up and a wave of heat washed over me. I quickly surveyed the situation, trying to figure out my options. I realized I had only one REAL option. I had to get out of there… and FAST.
I turned to my girlfriend who (I didn’t know until just then because I was so preoccupied with my poop issue) was going into detail about her dog’s grooming habits (apparently he licks himself until his skin falls off–seemed like a perfectly good time to exit if you ask me).
“I hate to do this but I have to leave.”
“What? But you haven’t touched your food.”
I looked at my plate. This was true. Dilemma number 2. Did I take the time to get a to-go box and risk shitting my pants? Or did I cut my losses and flee. Oh universe, thou art a wicked whore.
Just then my belly cramped and I felt like I needed to… you know…. fart.
Food situation–decided.
“You take it home with you. I’ll eat something later.”
“But where are you going?”
“Home. I have to go to the bathroom.”
She looked confused. And *I* am dying to sit on the potty. In my house.
“There’s a bathroom HERE!”
“Um, yeah, I know. But I have to *go* to the bathroom. And I can’t do that in public.”
“Oh my god, you’re so ridiculous. GO TO THE BATHROOM ALREADY!”
Um, Hi Everyone At The Highly Popular Lunch Spot Which Is Wall To Wall People Right Now Who Are All Staring At Me. Enjoy Your Caesar Salad.
I leaned in closer. “Have you just MET me? I don’t poop in public. I physically can not *do* it.”
At that moment, she got up from her seat and grabbed me by the elbow and WALKED ME TO THE BATHROOM.
She opened the door, shoved me inside and said, “Go before I kill you. You’re driving me insane and my soup is getting cold.”
The door closed and I turned around to see that there was only one stall. One. Which meant if someone needed to go while I was in there they were going to have to wait for me to finish.
My stomach rumbled again. If I didn’t do something fast I would have to worry less about pooping in public and more about how I was going to get out of there without anyone noticing I’d shit my pants.
So… I did what I had to do.
But just so you know, I wasn’t happy about it.
After a few minutes I opened the door to find 4 women waiting to use the bathroom.
I haven’t spoken to my *friend* since.
Asshole.
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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
February 24, 2010 at 8:19 am
I just don’t want anyone hearing hearing any…noises. That’s my thing. I aspire to be a completely silent pooper.
Maybe your next public pooping experience will be easier…..maybe. LOL
Twitter: juliewilmes
February 24, 2010 at 8:52 am
Right there with ya, sister! You should start a coalition, Silent Poopers for the World. And just for the sake of the pun, I’ll be the number 2. Ha!
Oh wow…thanks for the morning laugh. I have no problem performing this task in public, but I have to cough and sniff a lot to hide any noise.
Twitter: modernsupermom
February 24, 2010 at 9:22 am
The one-stallers are the worst! I can only do the deed in public if there are no fewer than 30 stalls. Like an airport bathroom. 747s rumbling overhead help the anonymity of *noises*.
Twitter: LovinStilettos
February 24, 2010 at 9:24 am
I’m with IzzyMom – I wanna be a completely silent pooper. That’s all that bothers me about it!
Twitter: lotsOspermies
February 24, 2010 at 9:43 am
All silent pooping aside…. What about the SMELL? There were FOUR women waiting for you to finish and they KNEW what you did because of the SMELL. Hahahahahahahaha!
omg! this is hilarious! sorry to laugh at your dilemma, but… yeah, it’s funny sht! (no pun intended)
well atleast she didn’t have to hold you over the side of a caravan so you could shit on the side of the road? Seriously, shit happens. :p my 3yrold had this fear, I fixed it.
Twitter: SillyJaime
February 24, 2010 at 10:52 am
Some people just don’t understand public restroom anxiety. I can’t poop in public either. I would never do that to you.
The home poop advantage is grossly underappreciated in the world.
So sorry to hear about your shitty experience. I’m the same way. My potty or no potty. Traveling is the worst.
Dude. Did you at least do a courtesy flush?
Once I was in a restaurant bathroom and a girl came flying in and landed in the stall next to mine. She started groaning and saying, “Oh man oh man oh man!” Then I flushed. She freaked out and flew back out of the stall and out of the bathroom—without washing her hands and I’d venture to say not wiping and maybe barely pulling up her pants. Was that you? :)
Twitter: bbg05
February 24, 2010 at 11:47 am
You “MAY” have issues?
Don’t kill the messenger, but, uh…….
I feel your pain. I am the one who flushes with every push..noises masked, smell almost eliminated AND…the best part…people think there was a nasty clog and don’t use the toilet after me! I also have learned to gather/collect ALL toilet paper as soon as I sit so people don’t hear me pull, wipe, pull, wipe, pull, wipe and then draw conclusions. I am a full-time student and after MUCH research, I now know which bathrooms on campus are not occupied at which times. Yes, public pooping has its drawbacks but with some preplanning, it can be less painful!
Twitter: originalstatia
February 24, 2010 at 12:01 pm
My problem with pooping in public is the smell. I’ve gotten over the whole pooping in public thing, for the most part. I won’t go if I don’t really have to, but I can if the need is really there. But I’m very very conscientious about courtesy flushing as soon as that turd hits the water.
I would never speak to her again.
Never in public. Ewww. EWWWW
Twitter: coolzebras
February 24, 2010 at 12:08 pm
This is one of the reasons I hate visiting my in-laws. No, they don’t live in a public place, but really. I prefer to poop in my own home.
You should not let poop control your life. I think you just need practice. I mean, everybody poops. No one cares about what you are doing in the bathroom.
Funny. I can go in a public place, but I MUST be alone in the bathroom. If someone walks in its over. Sigh. We have an employees bathroom here at my office, but if I know I have to poop, then I go to the public bathroom down the hall and take off my name badge. Less likely to run into someone that will see me that way! :)
Grr… and my commentluv is not working on this site again today
Twitter: mommabird2345
February 24, 2010 at 12:11 pm
My Hubs won’t do *that* in public either. He comes home from work and OH-MY-WORD-OPEN-THE-WINDOW-AND-LIGHT-A-MATCH!! I wish he would have done *that* at work.
Twitter: grace134
February 24, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I’m totally that friend. So make sure you don’t have to poo while we’re out to lunch.
Note that I totally just scheduled us a lunch date. I’m crafty like that.
I also have an issue with shy bowels. If it is an emergency, I can usually do what needs to be done in a public restroom, but I have on many occassions cut an errand run short with a request that my husband “take me home this very minute”. He mocks me mercilessly. I am totally envious of those who can go anywhere – I could never be on Survivor – the bathroom (or lack of) situation plus cameras would be the end of me.
Lol I’ve never had a problem going in public. But then I’ve never been able to “hold it” until I got home either! Lol… I would have kicked her ass though haha!
My college roommate had the same problem… and still does at age 50… I never understood it because as she said to me once- “you could shit in any hole on earth” and *shrug* I guess I could- if ya gotta go ya gotta go… but I would never EVER do that to a friend- you have to respect everyone idiosyncrasies. That was just bitchy…
That person obviously hates you. I am with you, I would have gone home. On the other hand I feel EXTREMELY proud when I can *go* in public. Which is almost never. My friends all know and ridicule me. But I don’t care.
I love this! I refuse to poop in public too. I’m also awful because I am disgusted by the women who do it (I know it can’t be helped sometimes). I realize it’s absolutely ridiculous of me, but I can’t help it. I am a certified Anti-public-pooper! LOL – I have issues, deep deep issues.
Twitter: MPoppinsinHeels
February 24, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Asshole doesn’t even begin to say it. A woman’s shitting habits are sacred and personal, and a friend should guard and protect her. What a fucker that asshole is.
Well, and the good news really is that you can cross that bitch right offa your Christmas list. I love a happy ending!
OH I am so happy I found this site! I thought I was the only girl in the world with this problem since none of my “friends” seem to have an issue with shitting in public! I have been this way since I can remember. I cried walked out of school early in 8th grade cause I had to crap! It was like 10 minutes til final bell and I knew my parents were already outside waiting for me so I just ran out to the car and of course my dad was like why you out early I said no time for questions hit the gas and don’t stop till we’re home or else I’m gonna crap my pants! It was awkward but I made it barely!
Twitter: latonyarich
February 24, 2010 at 7:24 pm
OMG! I have laughed so hard! You are funny!!! I don’t have a problem going in public bathrooms, but I will find one away from everyone. At work there is one in our are, and there is one downstairs, out of the way, no one really uses. What’s the funniest, you actually wrote about it!
Twitter: uthostage
February 24, 2010 at 7:32 pm
I can’t believe how unsympathetic your *friend* was. Heaven forbid her soup should get cold. It’s not like you planned it.
I have the same issues! Damn I don’t even pee in public (restrooms) if I can avoid it! I have no problem at my parents house, but anywhere else… ewwww… I hate going anywhere for the weekend or longer, it is torture!
I once held it for an entire week when I was at summer camp. I feel ya.
I can $hit anywhere……I don’t care…..and I fart in line at DQ…not sure why but it always happens there….
I think I $hit at your house even……
Twitter: mpjeno
February 25, 2010 at 5:22 pm
I’ve never had an issue with public pooping – my issue is more than I don’t want people I know to hear or (ewww!!!) smell that I’m going (in public or not). That said, my freshman year of college was difficult, to say the least. I lived in a dorm – but, of course, I couldn’t go in the dorm bathroom even in the middle of the night b/c you never know who will be in there.
My solution, you ask? I decided it was better to drive about 2 miles to the WAL-MART (b/c who cares if you’re pooping at Wal-Mart, right!?). Problem solved.
Twitter: Chloe358
March 1, 2010 at 12:54 am
There’s a great product called poo pourri (yes, really). It comes in a little travel size bottle that I have with me at all times. It’s all natural, has a citrus smell, and you spray in the bowl before you poop. So now if I poop anywhere, people think I shit grapefruits. It’s all good. Poopourri.com
I’m a little later here, but I want to thank you! First for making me laugh (with you, not at you!), but also because I have never considered myself lucky to be irregular until now. I too hate to poop in public! But since I hardly ever have to poop it doesn’t come up much! It never really occurred to me before that someone who goes, I don’t know, say…every day like a normal person would have to grapple with this issue on a “regular” basis. Pardon the pun.
I’m going to share a great book with you that helped my toddlers overcome their similar issues: “Everyone Poops” by Tao Gomi. Seriously, everyone poops. Everyone’s poop sounds gross. Everyone’s poop stinks. I used to have issues with public pooping too, but now I prefer it. Usually I am alone which ROCKS because I haven’t pooped alone at home in years and years. For some reason the kids NEED ME the minute I feel the urge. Ugh.
Twitter: sudobeer
March 13, 2010 at 4:24 pm
i used to be like that. then i ate something horribly bad at work, and *just had to go rightnowthankyouverymuch*
cured!
I used to be sensitive about pooping in public (or at someones home). Then I got over it after a wicked experience. BF, a friend (female) and I spent the day at Expo 86 in Vancouver. Long day. On the ferry ride home I had diarrhea so bad.. SO bad. I would poop, be done and then feel the need to do it again after sneakily changing stalls. I was in there the entire 1.5 hour ride. Pooping noisy, SMELLY diarrhea. It was absolutely rank :(
When we were in the car they asked me where I was. “Outside, enjoying the fresh air”, of course.
Friend later comments she went into the ladies room and she was sure someone had died in there, the smell was SOO bad. You know it had to have been bad for her to comment about it at a later time!
Ahem. I got over my public pooping. Of course only in the right circumstances (empty bathroom or HUGE one, courtesy flushes, waiting to come out when I am sure there is no one who MIGHT have heard anything…)
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