The Big Three: Which One’s Your Favorite?

Wow. Someone actually asked me to write about sex. I’ll try…through the stream of happy tears raining on my keyboard. Where to begin?

Well, I like it a lot. It’s one of my favorite things ever. I spend a good bit of time doing it, and when I’m not doing it, thinking about the next time I get to do it. I’m probably unlike most men that way.

It’s best to start off simply, so what I’d like to talk about today is the big 3 (the big 3, of course, being the most common positions). The ones we all use. The ones where if we’re going to have sex, it’s highly likely it will either begin here, end here, or at some point have worked its way into the mix.

I’m not talking about the ones we pull out on special occasions like the Flying Philbin (not to be confused with the Spinning Regis), The Belgian Waffle, The Zamboni, the Tijuana Half-pipe, the Korean Bobsled, the Nightmare on Elm Street or my personal favorite, The Dudley Moore.

Nope. Today we’re going to keep it on the safe side of the street. Let’s begin, shall we?

The Missionary

First, I’d like to rename this position. While I’m making love to my lady, I don’t like to think about “the man” going into the jungle and teaching tribal people to have sex. “We’ve come to bring you God and a different way to bone one another.” Leave them alone. They were boning one another just fine before you showed up with all your “don’t be an animal about it”. People are animals. And we do animal things because they’re fun. Watch and learn, missionary man.

That said, this is a nice position and I enjoy it very much. If you’re looking for a soulful experience, this is where it’s at. My only problem is with its name, so I will now and forever refer to the position formerly known as “Missionary” as, “The Notebook”.

The Notebook can be perfect for either a long and tender moment or a lift-up-your-skirt quickie. It has all the versatility and sometimes the appeal of a mini-van. It’s comfortable for long rides, but sometimes you find yourself wanting a more exciting driving experience.

When some eye contact and a little face-licking are required with your intercourse, this is the position for you. Then there’s…

Doggie Style

Another position I’d like to rename. Much like I don’t get excited when thinking about “people spreading the word of Jesus” while I’m having sex, I’m also not aroused by the thought of dogs having sex (but for some reason, lions get me hot). Some people enjoy it, I am not one. If you are one who becomes aroused by the thought of dogs having sex, I’m not judging you, but you’re really weird. That wasn’t a judgment. Remember, your wiring is all screwy.

Here’s what bothers me about this: most animals have sex this way, so why do dogs get all the credit here? Why not lions? Lion-style. Yeah. (I also would have gone for “Tiger style”, but people will get confused and think it means “screw everything with a nose”.) So lion it is. Ok, so the position formerly known as “doggie style” is now “The Mufasa”. You may want to write all this down.

The Mufasa is AWWWRRRRESOME. Sometimes you both just want to get on your knees, hold on to something and go crazy. Or stand up. Or one of you is on your knees and the other one is standing, dependent on what type of props and furniture you have around. The point is, you get to be creative. This isn’t necessarily my favorite position, but sometimes it can be. It depends on the mood. Sometimes only a Flying Philbin will do, but that’s usually only after a couple of drinks.

The Cow Girl

I’m not sure if this is its official name, but it is now. I’ve heard from many women this is the only position in which they’ll achieve orgasm. If that’s the case, then this is definitely the position for you. Sex without orgasm is so… so… not nearly as good. Some might even say pointless, and by some I mean “me”. That’s why I always like to make sure my partner gets to have one, even if I have mine first (but that never happens a lot). Because I’m going to have one every time. You can take that to the bank. So why shouldn’t you have one, too?

If you’re one who can only achieve orgasm this way, here’s why you and I won’t have a mutually fulfilling sex life: I like this position a lot. Perhaps a little too much. If you’re rocking to and fro on my erect penis and I can see your bouncing boobs, we’ve got about 30 seconds before we’re watching House re-runs.

I could take my mind elsewhere and think about Abe Vigoda or Matt Lauer, but that cheapens the experience for both of us. Not to mention, for me, it’s easier said than done. Bouncing boobs. Right in front of me. Abe Vigoda can only do so much. Like me, he’s only human (though I’m starting to doubt it due to his still breathing after 872 years).

So what’s your favorite position? What rings your bell? What brings you to the peak of ecstasy? Is it any of the big 3, or when it comes to your satisfaction, is it a Zamboni or Go home? Let us know in the comments. We’d love to hear from you. Not because I enjoy women talking about their favorite sexual positions. This is totally a science thing for science.

Guest writer Clay is sure the Mayans have it all wrong and that Bruce Lee will actually resurrect in 2012, bringing peace via the impending threat of an almighty tiger claw from the heavens.  It’s all in “The New Bible” which Clay is currently writing with a group of imaginary friends he calls his “Aposse.”  Clay is in advertising where he convinces people to buy things. Watch this: The New Bible. If you don’t buy it, you’ll probably die.