Survivor Heroes and Villains Recap, Week One: “I’m a Gangster in an Oprah Suit”

So it begins, the 20th season of Survivor, which means we’ve been eating this stuff up for over a decade. It’s unbelievable that a show born of the loins of a television writers strike would still be going strong. This year they kicked off with a two hour show, so sit back and enjoy the ride, there is a lot to cover.

The gimmick (because there’s always a gimmick) for this season is Villains versus Heroes. I think they really should have called it Saints versus Sinners OR Crazies versus … Crazies. Okay, that last one didn’t work; there are crazies on both teams. Anyway. This time they are in the South Pacific but do not expect any rousing rounds of Some Enchanted Evening, it’s all about Return, Revenge, and Redemption… or at least that’s what the team flags say.

The teams consist of past favorites, assholes, and crazies:

Heroes: Rupert (Pearl Islands / All-Stars), James (Micronesia), Colby (Australia / All-Stars), Cirie (Panama / Micronesia), Amanda (China / Micronesia), Sugar (Gabon), Stephanie (Palau / Guatemala), JT (Tocantins), Tom (Palau), and Candice (Cook Islands)

Villains: Tyson (Tocantins), Randy (Gabon), Sandra (Pearl Islands), Danielle (Panama), Russell (Samoa), Jerri (Australia / All-Stars), Rob (Marquesas / All-Stars), Parvati (Cook Islands / Micronesia), Coach (Tocantins), and Courtney (China)

Dramatic entrances are provided by US Air Force helicopters and the first to arrive contains the so-called Heroes. Now you know they brought the Heroes team in first so the Villains could arrive in their choppers and let the blades of their bird give the Heroes team one huge kick of sand in their faces. Which of course, they did. Oh my goodness Mark Burnett, could you be more literal? And the music for the Villains’ arrival? A sinister B-movie-esque soundtrack really couldn’t have been more apropos.

Now they’re all on the beach with the two teams facing each other and sizing each other up. The Heroes are gushing about how pleased they are to be playing with such a strong—with integrity!—team and the Villains are cackling about how finally this game is on. Russell talks about how villains in general are smarter than heroes (“Google it!” he barks). Jerri gushes about how she’s the She-Devil. Boston Rob feigns disbelief that he has been deemed a bad guy, and Sandra claims she is meaner than before (is that even possible?).

But no fear, the Heroes are not all wimps and lovey-dovey. JT reveals in a private interview that duplicity is his game and Cirie gives the best quote with “I’m a gangster in an Oprah suit.” WORD.

Back to the Villains: Coach, in his now standard oblivious and legend-in-his-own-mind way, claims that this time he will “SLAY EVERYONE, TRUST NO ONE.” Let’s see how that works out for you, Dragon Slayer.

After a whole lot of bravado and “our team is better than your team” posturing, Jeff announces that the Reward Challenge is RIGHT NOW! Awesome.

The Reward Challenge is actually one of the most full-contact rehashes from a previous season. Teams of two run to an area of sand and the first team to dig out the bag of sand and get it back to their mat wins a point. First team to three points gets the almighty fire in addition to some sweet tools. This challenge means full body contact and vicious tackling is on the horizon. Bring it, people!

Everything is going smoothly until round two when Villain Courtney, with her crazy eyes, screams at her player on the field Parvati to “break her arm” in reference to the hold she has on the powerhouse Hero Stephanie. So what does Parvati do? She dislocates Stephanie’s arm FOR REAL. Unbelievable. Medics reset Stephanie’s arm after the round and she’s still as tough as nails. I would have thrown up and demanded a jet back to the mainland.

Then Tyson (oh how I love to hate Tyson) who is wearing what has to be the ugliest European style banana hammock boy short combo of all time, states that Colby might as well be a woman after Coach drags Colby to the Villains’ mat with the prize.

The Heroes tie it up after Sandra undoes Sugar’s bra in an attempt to hold her down to the ground. I think she forgot that Sugar has burlesque in her background because revealing her ta-tas? No big deal for this leopard print blonde. She grabs the prize without a care in the world and runs for her team’s mat. SCORE with boobs in the air and middle fingers flying. Well done Sugar.

The teams are tied two all. In the fifth and deciding match-up, James brings it home for the Heroes and the reward is theirs. But it isn’t easy. Stephanie’s shoulder is dislocated, Tom looks exhausted, and Rupert has broken his toe. Fighting pure evil certainly takes its toll.

Now both teams need to go build camp. Our first in-depth analysis is on the Villains’ camp and focuses on Russell. Now is it just me, or has his head gotten pointier? Basically, everything Russell does in the first few hours at camp can be summed up by a quote from Parvati who claims talking to him is like making “a deal with the devil.” Russell negotiates with Danielle and Parvati separately though they would be idiots to not realize he does this with everyone.

Meanwhile over at Heroville, Colby is all about feeling “‘lucky about the team I have.” Right, dude. Sunshine and lollipops all the way. Anyway, as luck would have it, good things come to those who are sweet because a gaggle of hens and a rooster walk out of the jungle right into their camp. The team, lead by Tom, use the fishing net they won as reward to capture the poultry. You can’t tell me those chickens weren’t a Mark Burnett plant. Either that or they escaped from Jeff Probst’s emergency supply kit.

Each team erects a shelter of some sort with only the Heroes basking in the glow of their flint-induced fire.

As night falls, the Villains (more specifically Coach) talk about the injuries they have inflicted on the others and cackle with glee. Trust me: cackling is the new black on this team. And in a strange twist that I never saw coming, romance blooms between Coach and Jerri. Someone shoot me now. In the morning, Coach and Jerri blush their way around camp while discussing in their one-on-one interviews how The Black Widow and The Dragon Slayer might be the team to beat. Oh god, no really, shoot me now. Some enchanted evening has come to make us all barf.

With that, Day Two begins with a sick feeling.

At the Heroes camp, Colby begins playing the game for real. He is out talking to Candice while collecting bamboo and while he’s talking strategy, all I can think about is OMFG Candice, those hot pink shorts are hideous. Let’s stop for a moment to talk about what everyone is wearing. If you were going on Survivor why would you wear one of the following items: a string bikini, a banana hammock, or a leopard-print granny panty ensemble with a coordinating bra? You wouldn’t unless you were were an idiot or an exhibitionist. Okay, I think I answered my own question.

Anyway. JT and Tom shake on protecting each other since they are both past winners and neither will win if they make it to the final two and are up against a person who didn’t previously win (makes sense.) But during JT’s one-on-one interview he reinforces that this time he will say whatever it takes to win and he will sacrifice his integrity if that’s what it takes. Oh JT, you still look adorable and bumpkin when plotting evil.

Meanwhile, back in Villainville: THEY NEED WATER. They are all limp and lazy and while Rob thinks it’s an indication of their character, Jerri points out “dehydration maybe?” Who knew Jerri was so observant? Rob decides to build a fire and Randy starts spouting off about how it’s impossible and only an idiot would think they could build a fire without a flint. Rob ignores him and builds a fire with two sticks like his name is McGyver. BURN RANDY, BURN. Randy is the most abrasive idiot redneck of all time and I wish Rob had set him on fire. Meanwhile, Rob in his one-on-one prattles on about how he is learning patience and compromise since becoming a parent. Great Rob but you’re still a jerk.

Also, watching Coach suck up to Rob after the fire miracle is beyond uncomfortable. Ugh. By the way, Russell, who probably has a lighter hidden on his person, claims he is “The King” during his one-on-one. Boy, it must be nice to be in his head.

And then we are back to Heroland. Rupert feels he must prove himself since his damn toe is killing him and he can’t catch a fish, so he must make himself useful. He grabs the flint and spends what seems like hours trying to make a fire. He literally whittles away half the magnesium on the flint and still no spark. He gets up, starts looking like he’s going to go nuts, then begins to mutter about how “making fire is a state of mind” while creeping out his teammates. JT offers to take a try at the fire, Rupert says be my guest, and JT lights it in under 2.1 seconds. End scene.

Back with the Villains, Tyson is wearing clothing that should be illegal. Where did he get those shorts? He dresses like a Eurotrash pervert on a hedonistic cruise. Meanwhile, Rob dares Coach to go up a tree to get some coconuts (because little does Coach know, Rob does not want to do it because he fears hurting himself). Rob has tapped into Coach’s stupidity and bravado and of course Coach takes the dare. While watching Coach shimmy up the tree like a moron, Rob sits with Sandra who bets Rob that Coach will fail. Rob takes the bet and Sandra claims in her one-on-one that she thinks she is most like Boston Rob and will work with him until she needs to “cut his throat.” Is this something to be proud of? I’m not really sure about that. Anyway, Coach realizes halfway up the tree that this is dangerous and shimmies back down. Rob loses the bet, Coach loses face, and Sandra is still evil.

Now it’s night time and we are back at the Heroes camp. Tonight’s theme is STALKER! Sugar decides she needs a protector (no seriously, her words, not mine) and she goes to cuddle with Colby. Colby will have none of this and Sugar keeps the entire camp awake with her shenanigans. Colby is annoyed beyond belief because Sugar proceeds to follow him around when he moves from spot to spot and eventually to the beach where he sits in anger. Sugar has made everyone mad with her insecurity.

The team wakes up on Day Three and decides since it is time for an Immunity Challenge they must eat a chicken. While debating how to kill it, JT picks up the chosen sacrifice and twists its head until the damn thing is dead. Someone announces, “Wow, you are so country.” I agree. When this happens, James regales us during his one-on-one with the tale that his Grandmother once did the same thing to a chicken when James was a child. He says it absolutely terrified and scared the heck out of him. Then he finishes the story about his Grandmother killing a chicken with her bare hands by saying, ‘It was a good time.” You can’t tell me that James doesn’t have some issues.

Day Three at the Villain camp is all about reading the Tree Mail. Basically they decide they must “get their evil on.” Consider it done, folks.

Both teams arrive to the challenge and Jeff asks them all how it’s going. The Heroes brag about the chickens, while the Villain Rob whines about their shelter sucking. Coach says it’s not that bad which makes Jeff quip about how tough Coach is. You can’t tell me that Jeff isn’t totally making fun of Coach. Dude begs for it, IMO.

Immunity is up for grabs and basically the teams need to divide in two, with the first half building a puzzle boat, paddling out to get more puzzle pieces, bringing the boat back, dismantling it for ladder parts and delivering it to the second team. The second team puts together the next puzzle, uses the boat pieces to build a ladder, and then gets the entire team to the top of a platform with the help of the ladder plus the completed puzzle to win. Or something like that. Do you really care? It’s a challenge, and the important thing is someone has to lose. Booyah!

The Heroes get off to an amazing start. They are already in the water and picking up their puzzle pieces when the Villains finally get their boat together. You almost feel at this point that the Heroes are going to fuck up large since they have such an amazing lead right out of the gate. Meanwhile, Jeff Probst is poking fun at Coach who is floundering with his uncoordinated team in the water. It’s awesome. In fact, Courtney, who is part of Coach’s team, doesn’t even seem to be paddling at all and when they finally get the boat back to the beach she is by far the last one out of the rig. My god that girl makes it easy to hate her and her crazy eyes.

And even though the Heroes have what seems like a fifteen minute lead, Sugar et al. cannot get the puzzle together. The Villains start on their puzzle and have it together in seconds. Rob and Sandra are basically puzzle geniuses and next thing you know, the Villains win immunity. Sugar starts to cry and Jeff remarks how her blubbering has happened right on cue. Oh Jeff, you don’t mince words.

Colby has a one-on-one and states that he isn’t going to miss Sugar too much. Are the editors of the show trying to convince us that Sugar is gone only to throw us another idea right before the team heads to tribal council? You betcha.

Sugar seems to be on the tip of everyone’s tongue until Tom suggests Cirie should be voted out because she is a brilliant strategist and the time is now. He gets Stephanie and Colby on board and the wheels are a-turning. Meanwhile Cirie convinces Amanda and Candice that it should be Tom or Stephanie since they are strong like bull. Sugar wants Amanda gone (or anyone for that matter since she knows she is obviously number one) and now the team seems divided on what to do. Meanwhile, Rupert and his technicoloured wife-beater whines on about his broken toe.

Over at Villainville, they stand around trying to figure out who the Heroes will dump. All I want to know is WTH is Courtney wearing? Are those leg warmers?

Now we get the longshot of Tribal Council which has morphed into Treehouse Tribal Council complete with Ewoks. Wait, scratch the Ewoks, that’s just Rupert. The air is heavy, the music is sinister, and Jeff talks about how “fire represents your life.” So easy to snuff out, eh?

The Tribal Council discussion consists of the usual baited questions served up on a platter by Jeff. Tom is being a play-ah and talking about giving everyone a clean slate about previous alliances and relationships. *cough* bullshit *cough*. Amanda talks about loyal alliances. Stephanie discusses killing, I mean voting off the weakest in order to strengthen the herd. Or something like that. Sugar looks like she is going to cry and says something about how she wouldn’t base a vote on someone who lost a challenge because *stomps foot* it’s just. not. fair. *pout* Candice and her ugly shorts plays the bland card. That girl is like a neutral tapioca Switzerland and all I want to know is how her make-up has been holding up so well considering Tom looks like he’s been playing the game for about a month. When Jeff asks Candice if this first tribal council is the time to shake things up (as in: blindside a strong player by voting them off), she replies like the neutral dud she is, “Yes… or no.” Way to be ambivalent, Candice.

The team goes to vote and with a huge heavy cloud of foreboding hanging over her head, Sugar cannot figure out how the pen works. No really, she can’t. This is not good. The votes come back and Jeff reads them without any emotion: Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Amanda, Sugar, Sugar… seven votes is enough and Sugar is no more. So much for strategic blind-siding, it’s all about getting rid of the weak and annoying.

It starts to rain on the tribe as Sugar walks her leopard print covered derriere back into the real world that has running water and comfortable beds. Jeff announces it is time to think about “getting even.” No shit, Sherlock.

The preview for the next episode looks crazy. Jerri finds Rob passed out in the jungle and calls the medic. Did Jerri hit him with a rock or is Rob dead? I CAN’T WAIT. Please join me next week to find out if there is finally a homicide on Survivor. It’s about time, don’tcha think?