Last Week on The Bachelor

So apparently there just wasn’t enough drama inside the house so they are throwing these girls into two RV’s. Jesus Christ, you cannot put that many girls in that tight of a space and expect them all to survive. I give this a maximum of 8 hours before the first major catfight. The person I feel most sorry for is the driver.

Sidebar: How much money do the waste getting these airshots of Jake on his damn motorcycle. God, we get it, he is a biker.

First stop is a wine vineyard where Jake awaits them. Gia gets the invite for the first one-on-one date. I’m pretty sure I snorted Diet Coke up my nose when Vienna said “Gia’s a New Yorker, I don’t think this is going to be her ideal of a date”. She is totally one of those people who routinely uses the wrong word when speaking and I’m almost certain she is one who doesn’t understand the uses of there/their/they’re or your/you’re.

I’m not even sure I can talk about the first part of their date. Hide-n-seek in the vineyard. Basically it was just a lead in to him carrying her around. I really hoped it was going to get better after that but then they played spin the bottle…with two people…

Sidebar: Ok Ali, we get it, you hate Vienna, we all do. It’s time to move on. (To be fair I’m sure the other girls are making just as many mean comments that aren’t making it past the editing room floor)

Sidebar: I fucking love Jane Lynch (again I’m apparently much more into the commercials than the actual show)

I am officially OVER seeing him on his motorcycle. I’ve also decided that he is a total doof. I realize it took me awhile longer than it should have to come to this realization.

I’m bored by the cuddling-on-the-couch-trying-to-make-small-talk scenes. Gag. Also Ashleigh your ass is hanging out, you should fix that pronto, not flattering. The camera angles during the make out scenes are awesome. They try so hard to make it seem like they are totally spying on them. Ashleigh was shocked when Tenley got the rose saying “I think Tenley can come across as too bubbly and I would think someone was psychotic if they were like that 24/7”, uh…has see been paying attention at all, that is exactly how Jake acts.

Sidebar: Do you suppose he gets to choose who goes on what dates, I mean really?

The next date is a two-on-one where one girl stays and one girl goes. He spends the whole night making eyes at Ella and talking to her over Kathryn (or so is the tale that editing shows). Then he sends Ella packing….then he sends Kathryn packing. I’m so confused. Maybe I just wasn’t paying close enough attention but seriously what the hell. I also really don’t understand why the girls are so upset about both of them going home. I mean would you rather it have been you getting your bags carted off? It’s not like you’re never going to see these girls again, they aren’t being drug off to the pits of hell. Also the burning of the rose, gag, over dramatic much?

Sidebar: I’m paying way more attention to the commercials at this point. I’m starting to remember why I haven’t watched this show in awhile. I also might be the only person alive who wants Peyton Manning to do MORE commercials.

Here we go with the Rose Ceremony, I’m not really sure why I felt that needed to be capitalized. I think I’m a little stunned over Jessie’s outfit, the tight mini-dress, electric green eye shadow and dark tights. It’s like she stepped out of the 80’s.

I’m actually kind of digging the fact that he is sending home multiple girls when he doesn’t have to. It makes total sense if he KNOWS that they aren’t meant for him to just end it then. I mean it could totally be a ploy to make people like him more but I really do believe that he is sincere. So, yeah, points to him.

And then points are officially taken back for choosing Vienna. I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and trying to figure in producer’s editing before I judge her too harshly, but good god.

If I make it to the end of this season it will be a miracle.

When does Big Brother start again?

Tagged as: Bachelor recap, Jake, The Bachelor, Vienna