I had a lot of friends in high school.
I was lucky.
I wasn’t a cheerleader, and I wasn’t tall and thin, but I held my own.
Now that I think of it, of the days I spent cringing in the mirror at my body, wishing for thinner thighs and a smaller waist, I realize, I was stupid.
Size 8.
I wasn’t fat then. Now? Sure. But, then? Not so much.
But, there was one boy in high school.
A boy who everybody was friends with.
Who everybody talked to.
Who everybody liked.
He didn’t like me.
And, he thought I was fat.
He read in my eyes how I hated my body.
I remember school assemblies, pep rallies, football games. Entering the room and scanning for his face.
Waiting for him to mutter “whore” or “fat ass” under his breath at me.
For my face to burn and my jaw to clench, pretending I didn’t hear him, talking myself out of crying.
Graduating high school, I swore I never wanted to feel that way again. I would never let someone say such hateful, untrue things about me, to bully me so freely, and for me, to just sit there and take it.
And then it happened again.
In a place I least expected it.
It wasn’t as obvious as calling me “lard ass” or “skank” in front of my friends.
And, it wasn’t from some silly boy with bad teeth from high school.
It was from a woman. One who used to be a dear friend. Which made it hurt more.
A passive aggressive facebook status.
A nasty note about an outfit I wore. So hurtful, the person even tried to take it down before I saw it.
But, it was too late.
My eyes welled up.
My heart sank.
And, I was that girl again. The one in high school.
I cried on the couch next to my mom for two hours while watching trashy reality tv and snuggling my kids, who happen to think I am gorgeous, and it has nothing to do with my ability to make Nutella sandwiches shaped like dinosaurs.
I didn’t tell my husband until last night.
I was embarrassed.
I spend most of my day loathing my body, and sharing that with him is hard enough, let alone admitting to him that others see me the same way.
I am not sure what any of this means for me.
I feel like I am just that much further from liking myself.
I’ll still look for excuses to change in my bathroom with the door locked, or hide my spanx at the bottom of my underwear drawer, or act busy and hurry away when he tries to put his arms around my waist.
I want to not spend so much time hating myself.
But, it’d be a whole lot easier if people would stop reminding about all the reasons why I should.
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I fucking love you and I’ll totally cut a bitch. That is all.
Twitter: unlikelymama
February 17, 2010 at 12:19 pm
To echo what Melissa said, we usually see in others what we hate in ourselves. Your “friend” most likely has some serious issues with herself to lash out at you. That does not excuse her behavior, because…REALLY who does that????
I’m so sorry you feel this way. I completely relate (in H.S. and now). I hated myself back then, but now I look back and realize I was pretty damn hot…and completely blind. Now I know for sure I’m a bit too fat, but why does that stop me from enjoying life?
Twitter: Amy_Urquhart
February 17, 2010 at 12:31 pm
I am really, really proud of you for writing this post because I know it must not have been easy. And I think you know how I feel about what happened on FB. xo
Twitter: mom23greatgirls
February 17, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Well, I’ve always thought you are beautiful.
I know that sounds kinda creepy seeing how you have no idea who I am but honestly, it’s not meant creepy at all.
Okay sounded creepy.
But I’m not. I promise.
Many, many thanks to you for putting this out there and baring youself in an uncomfortable topic. I can completely echo your sentiments on body issues in high school even though in comparison to now, I would trade back for that body in a hot minute! It’s hard to comprehend why women (who, let’s be honest, all have body issues of varying degrees) are the harshest critics of each other. It’s unthinkable to have someone who was once someone close to you make a hurtful comment, and in such a public forum. I don’t know you, but I completely admire you and absolutely LOVE your blog and what you do. Sad that someone can be so insecure as to make themself feel better by bringing someone else down, but I hope that you can tune out the noise and focus on letting yourself see what a bad ass you are. You’re beautiful!
Twitter: lotsOspermies
February 17, 2010 at 1:39 pm
There are so many relate-able comments in this post! I hope you feel better. It makes me smile to see that you took the high road and didn’t cut her to bits in your posts. As much as I’m sure you wanted to!
I never comment here, but I read your blog and LOVE you! Nothing speaks louder than WHO you are and I think you are wonderful. That person is obviously unhappy with herself. No one with any self esteem degrades a friend on Facebook!
Twitter: txtingmrdarcy
February 17, 2010 at 3:07 pm
I’m with JenBShaw. And Assertagirl. And ALL the commenters. Let’s go cut a bitch.
Wonderful writing that made me tear up as I read it. We’ve all be there so many times, and to have it be because of another woman is so fucked up. Not that we should all be sisters and have a big hugfest, but to cut down your “friends” is the lowest of the low.
If that person reads this a: fuck you. and b: figure out what’s wrong with yourself first, bitch. Don’t point fingers at others because of your own misery.
Crazy will always show itself. Sometimes, Crazy comes along with her friends, Evil and Nasty. Clearly, you have been shown all three by this frenemy. Be thankful that she did show herself. Now you can move on to people that deserve you.
And btw… you are beautiful.
Brit…I always thought that you were one of the most beautiful girls in High School. I never knew that you felt this way or had these issues. :( You and I could have shared a bucket of bulimic food (i.e. Ice Cream / Chips / Nachos etc…) to make our pain go away. I <3 You and just know that you're Good enough. Smart enough. And gosh darn it. People like you. (Yes I just quoted Stewart Smalley).
Twitter: mariamelee
February 17, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I heart you, lady.
This was beautiful and I totally get it. You are a kick ass woman and that chick needs a smack upside the head.
” A kick ass woman”… and that other woman needs her ass kicked! ;)
Twitter: thepsychobabble
February 17, 2010 at 4:19 pm
Meh. People suck. And it’s usually the insecure who seek to lash out at others over stupid, petty shit.
I believe I’ve seen your photo a few times, around teh internetz, and I def. do not recall “fat ass” ever coming to mind. EVAH.
Funny, witty, slightly crazy and hilarious <–these words come to mind when I read/hear you, none of which have jack all to do with your weight, whatever it may be. Love ya (in a non-creepy, non-stalkerish(bc really who has time for teh stalking??(and yes, I realize that totally makes it sound even creepier now. But I'm not(Iswear))) type of way)
Not sure what you’re talking about. I think you’re hot.
People suck, plain and simple.
There isn’t much I can add to what other’s have already stated, aside from: suck it facebook frenemy.
PS: she probably has gonorrhea
Screw her. As if we women need anyone to say outloud things we say to ourselves anyways. I feel like a fat ass myself, but my hubby and kids love me the way I am. That is enough for me right now.
Love you, and the blog. You always brighten my day with your wit and wisdom. I wish I could speak/write about my life as honestly as you do.
Wow. I’m teary eyed. Why are some women so comfortable bashing each other? Insecurities are hard enough to deal with when you are the only one picking at yourself. Just know that your body is beautiful, it carried and birthed your beautiful children and it carries you through everyday while you care for your family.
Sharing something like that takes a lot of balls. (or tits? I dunno) Every size is beautiful. Remember that body carried life. Not once, but thrice. That is beauty in itself.
My elementary school nickname was “Chinese Flat Face.” Catchy, right? This sweet moniker was coined by the cutest, mot popular guy in school. It’s only taken a couple of (19) years of therapy to get his voice turned off in my head.
No one gets to talk shit about you, including you. You are kick-ass-awesome.
Twitter: grace134
February 17, 2010 at 6:49 pm
You’re kickass hella full of awesome WIN.
And hawt.
Fat or thin, short or tall… Doesn’t matter, we all have had/do have the same issues. And other women know this better than anyone. Some just haven’t outgrown the juvenile antics of their youth. So, in order to make themselves feel better, they lash out. But I definitely wouldn’t use the term “friend” to describe this chick again. I say we form a Britt posse & go cut that bitch together! We may not know each other, but we all seem to know more about friendship that that shallow whore.
Twitter: the818
February 17, 2010 at 8:32 pm
I don’t know you, and I don’t know what was said, but ef that person, because you seem totally awesome via Twitter.
Twitter: MPoppinsinHeels
February 17, 2010 at 9:33 pm
I didn’t read one thing in your post–and haven’t read anything in any other of your posts–that makes me understand what would validate you hating yourself.
My first impression of you, the first time I read you, was that you were brilliant and funny. My second impression, as I strolled through your site, was that you are beautiful in addition to being brilliant and funny. The only reason I still think those things is that they are all entirely true. Fuck the FB bitch. I don’t admire many people, but I think you are amazing, for whatever it’s worth.
Oh, and fuck the FB bitch.
Um yeah, so there’s lots of shit you can sign that bitch up for that will sort of make up for it. That’s why I signed my name anon – because I do it all the time. Yeah. Mail, email, phone – whatever.
I think we all had someone like that in HS. For me, it was a boy that told me I had no tits. starting in 7th grade. WTF asshole, I breastfed both my kids.
But I digress – kick ass.
Twitter: mamaspohr
February 17, 2010 at 11:13 pm
I think you are so, so beautiful. I would kill for your hair. Your skin. Your BOOBS! Your sense of humor. Your passion.
I love you, and that girl is obviously a giant SLORE.
I am so so so so SO sorry about that and damn, have I ever been there. To this day, I really don’t see what people gain from acts of cruelty and stupidity such as that. I seriously don’t. You are SO lovely!!!
You’re beautiful and amazing! Never forget that!
I could have written the first few paragraphs of this- it’s THAT familiar. Somehow- I can only passively attribute it to breastfeeding b/c I don’t do much to help my cause- I’m thinner 15 years later and after 2 kids. BUT people still find ways to take you back. It’s lose/lose- if you let it be. He’s an ass (and prob a totaly loser now) and you fb “friend” clearly isn’t much better.
Similarly-themed story in my book- About two months after my first son was born, I went to a school reunion. A guy I had gone to both grade school and high school with gave me one of the most back-handed compliments I have ever received. “You look so different,” he said, looking me up and down. “You look good.” So during the twelve years that we spent together in school I looked what? something other than good? Thanks.
Sorry for the super long post, and just so you know- the only thing you should be pointed out for is amazing writing. Chin up girlie!
I’ve never really understood why women need to be so catty with their friends. Hot outfit or mediocre outfit, what you wear will in now way change this womans life. That she went out of her to way to say something nasty makes you the better person, hands down.
You are gorgeous and perfect…don’t let the “pretty” people get you down. They only hurt others to fill their own insecurities and, because of that, you are a better more beautiful person than they could ever be.
I would love to see this picture she was talking about, because I know this bitch is crazy!
I was skinny in highschool, but not now. I have a constant fear of one of the many people that disliked me seeing me all chubs and doing the same thing to me. Every time I step out of the airport in my home town I get so worried. It’s ridiculous.
Awwww……people are jerks. You know that, and don’t listen to them. Of course you already heard that a milliion times but just think, if someone can say something like those two hurtful words, what kind of person are they? What’s worse, being overweight or a bad human? LOVE YOURSELF CAUSE GIRL, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Twitter: mommynamedapril
March 1, 2010 at 8:09 pm
what a douche. she’s probably so jealous of your success and beautiful family. you’re gorgeous and don’t listen to any stupid doucheface who says otherwise.
Twitter: MrsMoto
March 2, 2010 at 6:35 pm
My ass and I totally heart you girl.
I’m 6’2″ and in about 3 days I’ll have a totally Hiroshima case of PMS-
Can I come over and wail on the beyotch for you?
I’m sure you aren’t fat and even if you are, you can lose weight; that fucking backstabbing bitch will be ugly forever. You win!
What does this bitch, I mean “friend”, look like?
I pray she wakes up with a metabolic disorder.
Seriously, though, you are not alone in the feelings you have about your appearance. For most of us, having children was a rude change for our bodies, and approaching 40 doesn’t help, either.
FYI- received an order of SPANX items yesterday and have to send it all back because it didn’t hold in anything. Sigh.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
May 9, 2010 at 11:51 pm
You know, it’s been two months since I wrote this. I read every comment I got on this post, and cried almost every time.
I didn’t know then, and I barely know now, how to respond to each and every one of you to tell you exactly how much you have saved me.
And as I read each and every comment on this post once more, tonight, you’ve saved me all over again.
Thank you. So much.
Twitter: missycj03
May 24, 2010 at 10:09 am
Woman – you are awesome. And no way fat. I think you’re awesome. I will gang up with the other commenters to cut and shank the nasty woman!
I’ve been there too. I’ll tell you, though, from your writing, the REAL you, I picture you as gorgeous, shapely, and chic. More important that your personality should be gorgeous anyway, right?
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