Winters in Salt Lake City are sorta the suck. We’re supposed to have the greatest snow on earth, but I don’t ski or snowboard, so why would I care?
I was complaining about the weather to my friend Kelli, who lives in San Diego. She suggested I come out for a visit, and casually mentioned a weekend that just HAPPENED to include Valentine’s Day.
She thinks she’s so slick, but it’s obvious that she’s trying to get me into a threesome with her boyfriend. I suspect she is too cheap to buy him a present and wants to turn me into a present.
FUCK NO.
Not that I have anything against threesomes. We were all 20 years-old with banging bodies once. Sadly, that hot body is long gone, and no Marvin Gaye song is going to get me in the ‘naked with friends’ mood. Plus, do you know how much prep work is involved?
Lots.
Things have to be shaved and exfoliated. I’d have to find underwear without holes and possibly something with lace. And don’t even get me started on getting myself into shape. I’m not talking about a flat stomach here. I’ve long since given up on that. No, I’m talking about exercises that don’t happen at the gym… at least not legally.
I don’t care how many candles that bitch lights. Threesomes are not romantic, and frankly, she doesn’t have enough money to convince me otherwise.
About Aiming Low Does Good
Agreed. She is totally trying to give you as a gift. Don’t do it, there are also too many angles in threesomes that are unflattering (or so movies have told me because I would have no idea about these things, I swear Mom and Dad if you are reading).
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Thanks for a good monday morning laugh. That was great. Your gym doesn’t offer a kegals class? Hmmmm….can you imagine?
Lace? Oh hell no. It’d be easier to just go commando.
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
You’re totally doing it wrong. 3somes are never, ever planned unless you’re a hooker.
Are you trying to tell us something?
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
I agree. Fuck the lace. Just go commando!
Twitter Name: LovinStilettos
I’m with Angie. I’m pretty sure this makes you a hooker. Just sayin.
Twitter Name: shaunaglenn
If gyms don’t offer those exercise classes, then where in the hell have I been going for the last 3 months and who were those guys????
Is it sad that things would have to be “shaved” and “exfoliated” were the only deal breakers for me?
Twitter Name: lotsospermies
I say show up in your holey granny panties, unshaved, unwaxed, and eat a bunch a couple weeks before to put on a few cushion for the pushin pounds. That will teach her to offer you up as a sex gift to her BF again. Plus that would just be plain hilarious!
Twitter Name: thismamaworksit
This was sooo funny…I just started with the waxing…and it’ll take me a few er, um, years to catch up to the idea of threesomes and gifts! But, I am open to the idea. Heh. Just don’t tell my other half… ;0 I’m still laughing!
Hahaha! I expect a full report and pictures.
Damn, offering you without offering to help with the prep work? Lousy friend she is.
Great post!
Twitter Name: kateanon
Bwahahahhahahahhhahahha!
Secret Agent Mama AT GMAIL DOT COM!
Kel: bowchickabowwow!
That may just have been my favorite post of all time! It brought me out of my silent-stalker-of-blogs status to comment. You are hilarious!
That is seriously messed up. I mean SERIOUSLY! Friends don’t put friends in that position. No pun intended. I’m glad you stuck to your guns.
You don’t suppose she’d umm…be interested in brunettes do you?
Wait, you don’t have to be a mother to write stuff on here?? Where do I sign up??
That was bad. She should have mailed you a proper invitation, at least.