So The Bachelor was FULL of all the best stuff in the world this week. Of course I am referring to the crazy backstabbing gossip and cat fights. I absolutely adore how DRAMATIC the previews are for every week.

Before we get to the drama though I have a few burning questions.

What in hells bells are these girls wearing? I will be the first to admit that I’m no fashionista but seriously do normal people dress like this? Someone needs to tell Gia that there is NO need to wear sweats that are 14 sizes to big. Also, did I miss the memo about off the shoulder being the hot new look? I’m pretty sure I wasn’t even an adolescent the last time I saw that many bare shoulders.

Second question. Why are the dates so extravagant? The show is just setting these couples up for a crash when they hit the real world. I mean, I have a pretty great husband but the one time I asked to go on a helicopter ride he shot me down faster than…well, just fast. Wouldn’t they get better ratings if the couples actually stayed together more than, what, 30% of the time.

Sidebar: Why is this show two hours every week? Is this normal? My attention span is NOT this long.

So really, he chooses Vienna for the first individual date. I think we all know how I feel about her. Just one quick thought. She had a freakin ruffle on her bikini bottoms. What is she TWELVE?

The group date is up next and I must say at first I thought “oh, wow, finally a normal-ish date. Way to fuck that up producers. If I wanted to watch people making asses of themselves I would just watch American Idol. I normally make fun of the girls who cry but I would be a hot mess if I was in these girls’ shoes. I would flat out refuse to get on stage and pretend to be a comedian.  I clearly couldn’t tell any of my jokes because none of them are even remotely close to PC. How is this supposed to be romantic? Also, not that it needs to be said but my god Michelle is looney. I mean this girl is completely crazypants.

Sidebar 2: I fucking love Jon Lovitz. I mean have you seen him in Rat Race? Genius.

I’m not gonna lie, I couldn’t watch Michelle on stage, she was just way to awkward. Last week I was wondering who Corrie even was, this week she is  my new FAVORITE for making fun of Vienna. Yes Jake, Vienna is a nutball, you should take notice. I was a little bit sad to see Michelle go only because you don’t see that special brand of crazy everyday. You have to enjoy that kind of crazy if for no other reason than to feel better about yourself.

The date with Ella was cool but honestly I would rather they had just let her son come see her at the house. I don’t have much to say about their date because my son decided to wake up in the middle of it and there was also a commercial with Mike Rowe. I was very distracted. I did wonder though, was she just doing random outfit changes through the whole thing? I did really love her leather jacket; can someone tell me where to get that? Or better yet just purchase it, size large, and send it on over.

The cocktail parties are so fun to watch, just wrought with tension and snark and hate filled dirty glares. My thoughts on the actual rose ceremony are few. I have no idea who the one girl sent home even is. I had to wait for her name to flash on screen. She must be boring, in other words…normal, because she had like zero airtime.

My final thought is what happened to the pregnancy announcement. Did I imagine seeing that in a preview? WTF ABC, I’m so confused.