With the New Year upon us, I feel pressure to make resolutions, even if only to break them, like I normally do.
But, you see, I’m in a huge rut. A funk. Big fat lull. Emphasis on the big and fat.
I’m grossing myself out.
Learning that when your pants fall down, epidemically, it’s NOT because they’re too small, like you had previously hoped, but because the hump that is your (and by ‘yours’, I mean ‘my’) belly and hugemongous ass cannot sustain the waistband- much like the physics behind an avalanche. Or a plumber. I’ve been testing the limits of string bikini panties and waiting for them to give. Revealing the crack of my ass on too consistent of a basis (and not in the Rock of Love purposely kind of way.) Checking my dryer setting for shrinking my clothes. Wondering if rolling deodorant under my boobs will help with profuse sweating issues. I’m literally a hot mess.
My resolution is to lose weight. I know- shocking- and so profoundly original, right?
Well, if it were like in years past, I would be all talk and just make the resolution for appearance’s sake and and enjoy a slice of my son’s birthday cake in January. And then a slice of my daughter’s birthday cake in February. And then a slice of my other daughter’s birthday cake in March. (And by ‘slice’ I mean MOST of the cake- as shown in Exhibit A from my daughter’s birthday in November!)
Then I could go on about how I am a mom of four and am perfectly average size for an American woman and love my curves and deal with it.
But it’s not like years past.
Sure, I’ve been watching a lot of Jersey Shore and think that I could fit in pretty well with some of those big boned tramps from Joisey right about now- as long as I had a weave and a deep dark fake bake tan and REALLY bad fashion sense, but this is the year that I can’t cheat. The year I can’t break my resolution. It’s serious.
This year I have my 20 year class reunion.
People change (maybe not EVERYONE gains 50 lbs-ahem, but people DO change.) Women gain weight, men lose hair, people age. I get that. But I’m planning the fucking thing. It’s like inviting people to my house and the inside being like an episode of Hoarders. What was I thinking???
So, it’s on. The cleanse has begun. I have drank more water today than any human should and have made enough trips to the bathroom to count for a trip to the gym (totally, right?)
- What the Hell Does Aiming Low Mean?
- Fashion Plate- and now I'm thinking about food.
- Drink WIN Drink FAIL
- The Rules According to Meghan
- And I'm a little bit angry.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I have that cake stand!!!
I have to lose weight, too!!!
Twitter: tenakim
January 4, 2010 at 12:22 pm
@Mishelle Lane, cake stand/plate potato/po-tau-to
Twitter: alimartell
January 4, 2010 at 11:11 am
I wonder how days into 2010 we’ll get before I exercise…
I am impressed, lady. I cheer your cleanse on!
Twitter: tenakim
January 4, 2010 at 12:24 pm
@alimartell, don’t be impressed just yet, but thank you
Twitter: mom2aroo
January 4, 2010 at 11:59 am
I love it!! I had to re read because I thought you were describing me with the boob sweat & plumber ass ( I pulled my sweatpants waistband up as I read indignity on)
I hope you share your progress, I’ll be reading, while eating cookies being pissed I’M still a chunk.
Twitter: tenakim
January 4, 2010 at 2:51 pm
@claire, Don’t worry- you will hear about my progress or lack thereof- I’m neurotic like that.
Hey, this year I have my 10 year reunion and my sister’s wedding. I’m right there with ya. And although I am in Canada, I volunteer to move to the Jersey Shore with you. Does working on my tan get me a work visa?
Twitter: tenakim
January 4, 2010 at 2:54 pm
@Jenn @ That Just Happened, it really should- I’ll check. Watch out Jersey!
You GO Girl!!
can so soooo relate. check out “certain dri” for the sweats!
Twitter: AMomTwoBoys
January 4, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Be careful with the water! Don’t die of water overdose.
For serious.
Twitter: tenakim
January 4, 2010 at 5:26 pm
@AMomTwoBoys, OMG- I remember that radio contest prank! I don’t think I drank water for a month after that!
My new motto is Fit By 40. I’ve got a year and nine months.
Not having a 20 year reunion but, I did catch sight of myself in an unposed pic and nearly cried.
I’m drinking TONS of water and eating more things from plants and less made in plants.
Lotsa Wii Fit Plus too.. I”m even thinking of succumbing to the skeery Jillian Michaels!
Good luck honey!
At least you have the excuse of 4 children…I just have the one and after almost 3 years I have recently realized that I can’t blame “post baby body” anymore. Add to that epiphany that I am actually smaller than I was pre pregnancy…but my stomach still looks about 5 months pregnant. When I bend over, everything just….falls…like my stomach is an open giant pit and all my innards are falling out. It’s LOVELY. People in public ask me about every month when I’m due. Once, I was at a conference I was dying to go to because the speaker was someone I really looked up to and had studied a lot in grad school, and in front of the 125 other trainees there, she tried to exclude me from an activity we were doing thinking I was prego. I was mortified. SO I am back on the bandwagon too. 5 days a week…5 a.m. It sucks big time. (It was -6 degrees here this morning at 5 a.m).
Good luck to you! I will be sweating on the road to glory with you!
{ 1 trackback }