Ok, so, if I see the “Your Baby Can Read” infomercial one more time I think I might snap. Really?? You can teach my one year old to read? I mean, it sounds good, in theory, I guess. I can see it now:
“Luca, be a doll and go to the basket of magazines by the toilet and grab my latest US Weekly and read a few pages to mommy!! Those three glasses I just drank of mommy’s special juice seem to have made my vision a little blurry.
(Luca walks…or crawls…to get the mag)
No, no, no Luca, start on page three. I already told you! I don’t care about the letters to the editor OR the table of contents, GAH! I just want to hear how the celebrities are JUST LIKE US!
(Luca asks what a three is again, since he can’t talk or anything, and mommy has to help him find the page = Loser.)
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, read that again, love. Rachel Bilson REALLY wants to cross the street? OH. ME. GAAD. I totally want to cross the street, too, like, all the time. Sorry to interrupt, keep reading hon. Wait, WHAT?! GET OUT OF HERE!!!
(punches Luca in the arm and shoves him off the bed, by accident of course…helps him back up)
Mario Lopez PUMPS GAS TOO!. Just like us. I knew it. I knew we were normal. I told you so.”
Ahhh, where to start.
A. First off, I call bullshit about an 8 month old reading. Like Luca is going to ask me to buy him a Vonnegut novel instead of a “Thats not my monster” touch and feel book next time we’re at Borders.
B. Why the HELL would I want to teach my one year old to read? That’s why I am going to send him to school in a couple of years. Well, so he can learn to read AND so that I can come home and watch The View without having to play leggos in unison. If I wanted to home school my kid, I wouldn’t be applying for preschools that cost more, yearly, than my entire college degree did. “Sure, we don’t have to eat dinner every night, Gus, as long as Luca is learning his ABC’s two days faster at this school than the loser kids at the preschool down the street.”
C. Aren’t one year old children supposed to be playing in the mud, or with hot wheels? Or shitting their pants? Or playing with themselves? I mean, they have like two decades (three, if they go with my college plan) of school ahead of them. Please, please, please don’t make them start reading shit now, dudes. The video says they can sit through the lesson “without stopping and being distracted and running around the room.” I can’t even do that now and I’m 31.
D. It’s just creepy.
Really, the only way I think I could buy into it, is if it would help him put his poo poo in the potty.
If that’s not the case, then can you please create a “Your baby can decant a bottle of wine, serve you a glass and bring it to you with a cheese plate” DVD. Now THAT would be the shiznit.
We agree, babies TOTALLY can’t read! Thanks, Allison, for your hilarious Three Day Weekend post! Find Allison at her blog, Me and Mine.
I think I’m in looove with you LOL <3
Twitter Name: VampireSmitten
@pamela, awwwwww my heart just went pitter-patter :) XOXO
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
And uh then when the kids get to school? the teachers all get upset because your child is “boredddddddddddddddd” waiting for his classmates to make an A! :)
Seriously. Why in the hell would I want my kid to read before school? I’m a teacher. An elementary teacher. And when my girl went to kindergarten this year? Totally couldn’t read. Because I’m not gonna teach her to read.
Then she might be able to figure out that mommy’s books are NOT about God, but more about, well…other things.
Reading is SO overrated.
Twitter Name: dudesweetie
Does the DVD come with a bumper sticker that says,
“My toddler can read “watermelon” and play with its poo, but your to toddler can only play with its poo”?
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], It’s like you’re in my mind!!!!
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
Love you. Love this. Those kids on the commercial are very Stepford. When they grow up- they’ll never get laid!
Twitter Name: tenakim
@tena, HI-LAR-EEE-OUSSSS
@tena, haha! not a chance!
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
at 1 we are too busy teaching the kids to fetch The Hubster a beer and pop the top with those nice new strong teeth of theirs
Brillant. I wonder if they have a flash card for that word. And if the kid knows what it means.
Well, I am trying to act like I am not SUPER PEEING IN MY PANTS excited for getting my blog on here…BUT, eff it! I AM SUPER PEEING IN MY PANTS EXCITED! THANKS FOR READING!!!!!! :)
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
Thank you.
I HATE this infomerciala dn everytime I see it my blood boils. What the hell are these babies really learning? Learning to creep people out because we all know how really articulate kids freak everyone out. It always seems like they are smarter than us and going to murder us at any moment.
I mean, I am all for education, but this infomercial needs to chill out!
One of my friends is thinking about getting this for her daughter. I looked at her like she was crazy! That is why we send our kids to school…to learn how to read..and other stuff!
Twitter Name: RandomBlogette
OMG I’m so embarrassed and shamed now because I actually considered purchasing this for my kid. I mean my thinking was that the TV could teach him shit and not me, I see now the error of my ways.
Allison, greattttt read…..but then again all your posts are hilarious! Cant wait to read the next one!
The only upside I can see to the scary reading baby thing is that they can read Goodnight Moon by themselves 400 times in a row (instead of you) while you screw around on the internet.
Twitter Name: izzymom
@IzzyMom, I never looked at like that. damn.
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
OMFG. Hilarious. Pee-my-pants hilarious. Coffee-squirting-out-of-my-nose hilarious. The photo = PERFECTION. Thanks.
@The Ranting Mommy, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :)
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
I have a friend who “taught her baby to read” and got her and her toddler (at the time) on the local news for it, too.
We don’t talk anymore.
@Natalie, haha! love your lunch notes! :)
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
My six year old son has begged me to get this for the baby. Of course he wants to buy everything they show on tv. He is a telemarketers dream.
I watched a show about hot-housing once. It was for children older than one year, but it was still about pushing education early on with flash cards and other devices.
All I saw was pressured kids crying about it, and then teenagers who remembered nothing of what they’d been taught when they were 2 years old. It was criminal.
Let kids be kids.
Yes the whole thing is just weird and wrong! Let kids be kids. And let parents be parents! The media is always telling us what our kids should be doing and if they don’t then of course their idiots. Whatever!!! I say screw My baby can read! Great post!
Twitter Name: thismamaworksit
Really? This is frickin’ hysterical. Wine just came out of my nose.
@Rachael, what a waste of wine! ;-)
Twitter Name: allisonzapata
hello. nice read, totallyLearnt quite many new things from your artice on your blog.
i bet none of you even made it to 10 th grade ! you all sound lazy . almost like you dont want to make any time for your poor childern and to just let the teachers worry about the fact your kid is the only one who cant write his or her name on the first day of school. if you cant take the time to read a book to your own child you should not of had them
I couldn’t agree more. If you don’t want to educate your children and get them a head start so that they are excited about learning, you should have used protection. If you are lazy to rely on others in america’s great education system, i guess my child will have to support yours in the welfare line. there is time to play and be kids but what’s wrong with 20-30 minutes a day of learning when the brain is ready for it?
Some people just dont get sarcastic humor. *arches brow*
Loved this post. Made me gigglesnort. I admit I did torrent this but I keep forgetting I did so my babies can not read yet. XD It doesn’t teach reading phonetically anyway so its probably not a good way for them to learn. I would not spend 200 plus dollars on it thats for sure!
Twitter Name: aloren_
All of you are STUPID!
You wouldn’t believe how many people I know bought into that crap. Even the sitter has it! But she was smart enough not to spend her money on it. I’ve got to admit, my two year old pays attention to it. But really, why force your kids to grow up now? They only have one chance to be babies.
Twitter Name: Vsafterbedtime
ha lol this is hilarious…I hate those commercials too especially the one on the dang radio….that lady saying “yeah I plopp my kid in front of the tv and go about my business……it is the one thing people cant take away”…ummm no it is not the only or one thing you can give to a child no one can take away from them….you can give them LOVE, love their mother/father, morals, and so much more. Please….I have a 5 year old who started K this year. I did not know of this stupid product until he turned 4. I read to him and sang to him all the time when I was pregnant, I read and still read to him EVERY night….he is at a 1st grade level and possibly 2nd grade but they only test up to 1st at this point…so there. All you have to do it read to your child, use your finger to go along the words to show them what you are reading and in what direction….they pick it up pretty fast. But if you want to PLOPP you kid in front of the tv while you watch soaps in the other room go ahead….poor babies
[...] here: Hey! Guess what? Your baby CAN'T read. Weirdos. | Aiming Low « Your Baby Can Read – DVD Starter Kit – Review & Giveaway! {Ended} Your Baby Can [...]
[...] stop. Let me define “kid” here: I’m talking about children who either cannot yet speak or who are not old enough to read, let alone to be aware of Facebook and Twitter, and who would not be capable of (or interested in) [...]