Okay, so on Christmas eve, a friend of mine was over helping me wrap presents and when we get to the sock monkey intended for my daughter, he tells me that it has a mouth on it’s ass.
I repeat…A MOUTH ON ITS ASS.
THE HELL? What are you babbling about, I ask him? Are you drunk? Did I put too much rum in that eggnog?
And he says to me, again, that the sock monkey has a mouth on it’s ass but, of course, I can’t see it because it’s partially wrapped in cardboard so I decide he’s full of shit because, well, he usually is and I forget all about the simian assmouth nonsense.
Well, come Christmas morning, the sock monkey is unwrapped, glee ensues, and then my daughter holds the monkey up and lo and behold, there really IS a MOUTH ON IT’S ASS! (note: could also be a horizontal hooha. Just sayin)
Okay, I’m probably the last person on the planet to know about this but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s totally fucking WACK. And kind of gross.
Seriously, folks…you’re a savvy bunch (and very attractive, if I may say) —I know at least one of you can explain this…this assmouth/sideways crotch thing to me.
Inquiring and mildly obsessed minds NEED to know.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Sock monkeys are evil…really evil. It looks like its mocking you with the mouth on its face and now its fucking mocking you with its ass too.
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
January 14, 2010 at 8:27 am
OMG…it IS mocking me with it’s ass and there’s NO hiding from it.
That settles it. Sock Monkey must die.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
January 14, 2010 at 8:06 am
It’s totally a horizontal vagina, DUH.
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
January 14, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Somehow I find that less disturbing than the assmouth.
maybe what you have here is a sock BABBOON. you know, ’cause babboons often have those bright red heinies that look like they’re covered in weird blisters or whatever?
or else, maybe your sock monkey has diaper rash.
Diaper rash….that’s awesome and entirely possible, but I think it might actually be sideways vagina rash. I heard about it on Oprah.
Twitter: mariamelee
January 14, 2010 at 9:39 am
Oh my god.
My sentiments exactly.
The mouth on his ass is a result of the fact that in using the sock, the heel is the ass, and therefore colored. Imagine the 2 socks (in theory) used to make the monkey.
Horizontal vagina!!! Personally, I think it’s definitely a baboon!
Twitter: alotofnothing
January 14, 2010 at 9:58 am
But at least it’s not ass-to-mouth, yes? That would be a WHOLE other post.
I’m with Angie on this one… At least it doesn’t have an ass on it’s mouth. Ew.
I’m trying to envision this but um…maybe I shouldnt.
That is TOTALLY NOT my last blog… Grr… I don’t even know who that guy is!
Twitter: MPoppinsinHeels
January 14, 2010 at 10:13 am
It’s totally fucking wack AND totally fucking gross. And you are totally fucking funny!
Yes, totally and thank you!
Twitter: ladyjess78
January 14, 2010 at 10:21 am
Dammit! Now I have to go straight home and check my daughter’s sock monkey to see if it has a mouth on its ass. Weird.
Twitter: LovinStilettos
January 14, 2010 at 10:24 am
Definitely a horizontal vagina. For sure.
I’m glad YOU see it, too. #notcrazy
Twitter: Amy_Urquhart
January 14, 2010 at 10:27 am
Clearly it’s a female monkey and it’s in heat.
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
January 14, 2010 at 10:41 am
OMG…your comment made me kind of sputter and spit coffee while laughing hysterically.
Twitter: motherbumper
January 14, 2010 at 9:14 pm
@Assertagirl, I was thinking the exact same thing!
Twitter: AMomTwoBoys
January 14, 2010 at 10:55 am
I am both puzzled and disturbed by this.
Twitter: mom2aroo
January 14, 2010 at 11:30 am
The first sock monkey I made, I was sooo proud & posted a picture & someone told me the tail looked like a penis.
…It does.. technically.. I spose.
But now I just dont feel the same way about it..and now I dislike sock monkeys even more, from these disturbing pictures.
Sad day.
OMG..I’m so sorry. I laughed really hard at your comment. Still laughing, as a matter of fact. I apologize for ruining sock monkeys for you :(
Twitter: tenakim
January 14, 2010 at 12:12 pm
I had no idea and I’m still pretty disturbed!
Um… no. Ew! Is it trying to be a rainbow-butt monkey, only in the way less garish heather/cream/RED combo? Nast. Now I will never buy one – thanks for the heads up! (Or is that bottoms up?) Yuck.
apparently its from the heel?
http://www.supersockmonkey.com/catalog/redheelsocks.html
in other news – apparently the socks come in blue! Blue monkeys ftw!
Blue sideways vaginas FTW!
I once mentioned to an aunt and cousin that the sock monkey in my grandmother’s attic was scary to me. Since I have received sock monkeys in every variety – pajamas, slippers, Christmas tree ornaments, key rings. They (and now other family members) are carrying on the tradition with my daughter, who has multiple sock monkey stuff including her own one, which I will check for the ass when I get home. We even received a Sock Monkey book from Mitchell Gold when I bought a new couch. The lesson – never mention your fears or phobias to your relatives!
But do they have assmouths/sideways vaginas?
After reading this I had to check the ass of my daughters sock monkey. It does not have the red ass like your sock monkey. It must be a pseudo sock monkey.
Be glad! Finding assmouth/sideways vagina can be somewhat traumatizing.
That’s so funny. I was in Cracker Barrel on Sunday looking at sock monkeys and the person I was with told me they used to have a flap over the horizontal vagina/ass/mouth. I commented that would make the horizontal vagina/ass/mouth even more suggestive, since covering it up would imply the horizontal vagina/ass/mouth was something to be hidden, yet accessible. Sock monkeys have always weirded me out.
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