Okay, so on Christmas eve, a friend of mine was over helping me wrap presents and when we get to the sock monkey intended for my daughter, he tells me that it has a mouth on it’s ass.
I repeat…A MOUTH ON ITS ASS.
THE HELL? What are you babbling about, I ask him? Are you drunk? Did I put too much rum in that eggnog?
And he says to me, again, that the sock monkey has a mouth on it’s ass but, of course, I can’t see it because it’s partially wrapped in cardboard so I decide he’s full of shit because, well, he usually is and I forget all about the simian assmouth nonsense.
Well, come Christmas morning, the sock monkey is unwrapped, glee ensues, and then my daughter holds the monkey up and lo and behold, there really IS a MOUTH ON IT’S ASS! (note: could also be a horizontal hooha. Just sayin)
Okay, I’m probably the last person on the planet to know about this but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s totally fucking WACK. And kind of gross.
Seriously, folks…you’re a savvy bunch (and very attractive, if I may say) —I know at least one of you can explain this…this assmouth/sideways crotch thing to me.
Inquiring and mildly obsessed minds NEED to know.
About IzzyMom
Sock monkeys are evil…really evil. It looks like its mocking you with the mouth on its face and now its fucking mocking you with its ass too.
Twitter Name: avapidblonde
OMG…it IS mocking me with it’s ass and there’s NO hiding from it.
That settles it. Sock Monkey must die.
Twitter Name: izzymom
It’s totally a horizontal vagina, DUH.
Twitter Name: shaunaglenn
Somehow I find that less disturbing than the assmouth.
Twitter Name: izzymom
maybe what you have here is a sock BABBOON. you know, ’cause babboons often have those bright red heinies that look like they’re covered in weird blisters or whatever?
or else, maybe your sock monkey has diaper rash.
Diaper rash….that’s awesome and entirely possible, but I think it might actually be sideways vagina rash. I heard about it on Oprah.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Oh my god.
Twitter Name: mariamelee
My sentiments exactly.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
The mouth on his ass is a result of the fact that in using the sock, the heel is the ass, and therefore colored. Imagine the 2 socks (in theory) used to make the monkey.
Horizontal vagina!!! Personally, I think it’s definitely a baboon!
But at least it’s not ass-to-mouth, yes? That would be a WHOLE other post.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
I’m with Angie on this one… At least it doesn’t have an ass on it’s mouth. Ew.
I’m trying to envision this but um…maybe I shouldnt.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
That is TOTALLY NOT my last blog… Grr… I don’t even know who that guy is!
It’s totally fucking wack AND totally fucking gross. And you are totally fucking funny!
Twitter Name: MPoppinsinHeels
Yes, totally and thank you!
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Dammit! Now I have to go straight home and check my daughter’s sock monkey to see if it has a mouth on its ass. Weird.
Twitter Name: ladyjess78
Definitely a horizontal vagina. For sure.
Twitter Name: LovinStilettos
I’m glad YOU see it, too. #notcrazy
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Clearly it’s a female monkey and it’s in heat.
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
OMG…your comment made me kind of sputter and spit coffee while laughing hysterically.
Twitter Name: izzymom
@Assertagirl, I was thinking the exact same thing!
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I am both puzzled and disturbed by this.
Twitter Name: AMomTwoBoys
The first sock monkey I made, I was sooo proud & posted a picture & someone told me the tail looked like a penis.
…It does.. technically.. I spose.
But now I just dont feel the same way about it..and now I dislike sock monkeys even more, from these disturbing pictures.
Sad day.
Twitter Name: mom2aroo
OMG..I’m so sorry. I laughed really hard at your comment. Still laughing, as a matter of fact. I apologize for ruining sock monkeys for you :(
Twitter Name: Izzymom
I had no idea and I’m still pretty disturbed!
Twitter Name: tenakim
Um… no. Ew! Is it trying to be a rainbow-butt monkey, only in the way less garish heather/cream/RED combo? Nast. Now I will never buy one – thanks for the heads up! (Or is that bottoms up?) Yuck.
apparently its from the heel?
http://www.supersockmonkey.com/catalog/redheelsocks.html
in other news – apparently the socks come in blue! Blue monkeys ftw!
Blue sideways vaginas FTW!
Twitter Name: Izzymom
I once mentioned to an aunt and cousin that the sock monkey in my grandmother’s attic was scary to me. Since I have received sock monkeys in every variety – pajamas, slippers, Christmas tree ornaments, key rings. They (and now other family members) are carrying on the tradition with my daughter, who has multiple sock monkey stuff including her own one, which I will check for the ass when I get home. We even received a Sock Monkey book from Mitchell Gold when I bought a new couch. The lesson – never mention your fears or phobias to your relatives!
But do they have assmouths/sideways vaginas?
Twitter Name: Izzymom
After reading this I had to check the ass of my daughters sock monkey. It does not have the red ass like your sock monkey. It must be a pseudo sock monkey.
Twitter Name: unknwndreamer
Be glad! Finding assmouth/sideways vagina can be somewhat traumatizing.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
That’s so funny. I was in Cracker Barrel on Sunday looking at sock monkeys and the person I was with told me they used to have a flap over the horizontal vagina/ass/mouth. I commented that would make the horizontal vagina/ass/mouth even more suggestive, since covering it up would imply the horizontal vagina/ass/mouth was something to be hidden, yet accessible. Sock monkeys have always weirded me out.