A note about the new season of The Bachelor

I’ve decided to dive back into the world of The Bachelor. I took a break for a few years but the promos for this season have sucked me in. That and the prospect of watching it with my friends via Skype is just too much fun to resist. So I wanted to take a minute to recap a little bit of the first episode.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we. The introduction to the bachelor.

OMG I get it, he is gorgeous, he’s a pilot, he’s Maverick circa 2010. Enough with the Top Gun ripoff clips. I watched online and it had commentary from Jillian and even she mocked the Top Gun scenes.

Also, making him do the whole “come up out of the water in slow motion” like a swimsuit model is really not making him look so masculine. Save that for next season when the jilted girl gets her second chance at love.

Onto to girls. Oh Em Gee, the girls. The producers have really outdone themselves this season. Don’t get me wrong, there are some perfectly nice girls in there but really no one cares about the nice normal girls until the end anyway.

Let’s talk about the CRAZIES.

• Ashley. Your mom sends you boxes upon boxes of slutty clothes right before you go on a reality tv show. I’m not even sure what to say about that. However I will give you the accolades you so rightfully deserve for staging one of only a few moments in reality show history that have rendered me speechless. Your costume change left me gasping. Kudos.
• Ella. This girl scares me a little bit. She seems to have some jealousy issues and she comes right out and says she will knock a girl out. With this shows history of cat fights I’m putting my money on some skank gettin laid out. First on her hitlist has got to be Ashley for not only interrupting her alone time, but doing it in an outfit from the halloween discount store. She also pulled the old “you have something on you right there” joke when she met him outside the limo. Let me just say for the record LAME.
• Christina. I wanted to like you because honestly the line about getting advice on how to do small talk in the house was genius and totally something I would do since I don’t have many girlfriends but seriously parting gifts for the other girls. I’m not genius but I’m pretty sure this isn’t the way to make nice with the other skanks girls in the house.
• Michelle. Oh sweetie, it is going to be nothing short of pee-my-pants entertaining to watch you lose your shit every week. PS please stop licking your lips so much it’s creeping me out.
• Vienna. Are you serious? I understand loving your pets, I really do but to say on national television “I may be bringing her home a daddy” just sounds ridiculous. She also made the baby Jesus cry when she asked to feel his abs upon meeting him for the first time. Subtle.
• Rozlyn. You talk like Paris Hilton. You annoy me. End of story.
• Gia. Look I’m sure she’s got some great qualities but I can’t get past her voice. You aren’t seven so stop talking like you are. I’m pretty sure thats why you’ve only had three boyfriends. Moving on.
• Elizabeth. You seem darling and I love that you brought a football but girl you need to cover up that bad boob job. There should not be that kind of gap in between the girls.
• Ashleigh. First, this isn’t a pagent, there is no reason for your dress to be slit up to your underwear (assuming you are actually wearing them). Second, that “fall” you staged was…I can’t even find the words. Please see Ali’s trip later on in the evening for how to do it without looking like a ra-tard.

The best line of the night award goes to Christina for this little gem. “I get that it’s a competion, and I get it….but there are some girls that have their ta-tas OUT to PLAY”. Classic. (and so correct, put the boobs away girls you aren’t auditioning for stripper school or to be a nude stand in for Tori Spelling.)

Apparently in the weeks to come one of the girls is going to get outed for having an affair…with another girl…in the house. This is the kind of shit the producers LIVE for I tell you. I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.