Marriage and relationships are fraught with danger and pratfalls for us Dads. No matter which way we turn, no matter what decisions we make, no matter what we say, you ladies have a way of turning it around and making it bad.
The best way to illustrate this is something most guys are familiar with. If your husband or boyfriend is like most guys who have any rocks, they grew up on a steady stream of testosterone-filled war and action films. Whether they starred Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne, Harrison Ford or Lee Marvin, we grew up on blood, guts and glory.
In many of those movies, one of our heroes always met his end by stepping on a land mine. It was formulaic, yes, but is common and the message was always the same: “You guys go on, I’ll stand behind and sacrifice my life to let you all live.” It always happened the same way: the solider steps on the land mine and hears the unmistakable “click” that says he’s hosed and about to lose half his torso. That “click” is what every GI in World War II feared because once you heard it, you knew you had no way out.
It’s not unlike when your wife asks you if her ass looks fat in that favorite pair of “skinny jeans.” You’re sitting on the couch on a Saturday watching football (as it should be!) and out of the blue – like a thunderbolt on a sunny day – the question is asked.
“Honey, how do these look on me?” she asks.
And that’s when you hear it.
Click.
That click means no matter how you answer, you’re dead.
Do you ladies think we have any way to answer that question with honesty or integrity? Why are you really asking us? It’s a no-win situation so I don’t quite understand why you bother torturing us with an impossible quiz.
Some men might say: “Those jeans look great.”
Her response: “You’re just saying that.”
Click. BOOM.
Other men might say: “They look OK, but I like the other pair better.”
Click. BOOM!
As my wife always tell me, women really dress to impress each other.
I believe that so why make us jump on the land mine? If you don’t believe our answer either way, why torture your better half?
I guess I’ll just never understand the constant validation that women require no matter what the situation. That’s not a criticism -wait, yes it is.
The next time you ask your husband or boyfriend one of those questions, please first ask yourself what answer you’re looking for. Decide early if you want to hear what you want to hear of if your rather have the truth. Perhaps that question will save you and the countless men you’ve tortured from further damage and from stepping on that mine.
Then again, with you ladies, the land mines are everywhere so can us men ever be safe?
In fact, when asked to write this post for a women’s blog, the first thing I heard was:
Click.
Scott is the co-founder of the most foul and damn-right fun reading Every Other Thursday.com Dad’s blog. Follow Scott on Twitter @prgully or email him at scott@everyotherthursday.com. His personal blog, where he writes about public relations and social media, is www.scottgulbransen.com. Just don’t bitch to him because he has a very strong pimp hand.
About Guest Writer
Oh man…if I had a dollar for every time I was in this situation I’d be divorced and re-married to a 23 year old. LMAO!
When in doubt, ALWAYS take the “You look totally fucking amazing and I’m NOT just saying that” route. It’s better to get bitched at for being too complimentary than too honest!
Twitter Name: izzymom
I don’t ask those questions often, but when I do, mny husband knows the answer: “Like you should take them back off and come to bed with me.”
And Don, I AM a 23-year-old and I’m still complicated. :)
@Sarah,
I love that Sarah! If it works with my wife, I’ll buy you lunch!
@Scott, Deal :)
Anytime I ask one of these types of questions of my husband (do these jean make me look fat?) I ALWAYS follow up with “…or does my ass make my ass look fat?”. Just so he knows that I’m kidding. I know how my jeans make me look and so does every other woman who asks one of these questions.
The next time any of you guys are posed with one of these questions, I say for the exact WRONG thing to say. If she asks if they make her look fat-tell her it’s her ass, not the jeans. If she asks if they look ok, tell her they don’t. Make it so she knows – and I mean KNOWS-not to ask these questions.
But then you’re required to tell her off the cuff that she looks pretty or nice or that she’s having a great ass day. I promise-you will reap rewards.
This is genius. I laughed my ass off, then called my mom and read it to her. And yes, she laughed her ass off too. Encore!
@txtingmrdarcy,
Thanks…
THIS is how you answer this question, when I ask you how I look, you say,
“OMG, you look so much thinner than {insert name of cunt face backstabbing woman I hate/your ex girlfriend/the lady in the porno we watched together the other night}.
You’re welcome.
Twitter Name: barefootfoodie
@BarefootFoodie,
*cue spitting lousy protein shake all over monitor*
(from laughing, of course.)
Just what I needed after a crappy weekend of dealing with a crazy ex-wife. Not mine. His. PA wouldn’t allow that. :-P
When your wife asks how she looks, a simple, “I’d tap dat” is all that’s required.
Twitter Name: laughmom
@Audrey,
Right on, Right on!