The Gestational Diabetes Test Made Me Lose My Mind
I had gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy, so when it came time to test for it during my current pregnancy, my OB made the decision to have me skip right to the longer test. For those of you that have managed to avoid a three hour gestational diabetes test, let me fill you in – you fast for 10-12 hours before the test, and for the eight hours before the test you can’t have any liquids. When you arrive at the lab, you get a “fasting” blood sample taken, then you chug the most disgusting sugary liquid called Glucola in five minutes or less. Then every hour for the next three hours you get more blood taken. It’s a party.
My doctor is affiliated with a big public teaching university hospital in Los Angeles. You may remember it from past events like, “Britney Spears in the Psych Ward!” and “Michael Jackson Dead!” There is one big outpatient lab, and that’s where my glucose test was set to take place.
9am I get called back for my fasting blood draw. The tech says to me, “Oh goody, you’re going to be with us for a while.” I sit in my little blood cubby and chant to myself, “no student no student no student.” A nice looking girl comes into my cubby, introduces herself and says, “I’m a student. Is that OK?” I say yes, then add, “I have a history of fainting during blood draws. Is THAT OK?” Her teacher comes over to help.
9:07am Small talk about Thanksgiving is made. I want to slap the student. I AM A PREGNANT WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN FASTING FOR 12 HOURS! I momentarily think about biting her, but decide not to. I don’t want to ruin my fast.
9:10am Fasting blood draw is over. I didn’t faint! Victory!
9:12am Glucola is delivered. It’s cold…and orange flavored. Being a bit of a glucola connoisseur, this pleases me. I chug it in under a minute. The student and her teacher are impressed.
9:14am I regret chugging the glucola. The thick syrupy sweetness is now sitting in the bottom of my empty stomach. Urp.
9:25am My husband turns to me and says, “I’m starving! I’m gonna go get breakfast at the cafeteria!” I plot his death.
9:39am A large man just sat down in Mike’s vacant chair and TOOK OFF HIS SHOES. Crocs, with socks. NOW HE’S TAKING HIS SOCKS OFF. OMG, he was sent from Satan.
9:41am Shoeman just walked away barefoot. I can taste the glucola in the back of my throat.
9:42am Mike returned and sat down in his old seat. I tell him nothing about shoeman.
10:12am Second blood draw. A full-fledged phlebotomist draws my blood and I am done in 25 seconds. Amazing!
10:20am Husband makes crack about my breath. I consider biting him.
10:25am OMG. A ninja just sat in front of me. A. NINJA.
10:26am Ninjas are hard to photograph. But I did my best.
10:37am a little kid just threw Mike’s empty coke bottle at Mike. Lesson? Don’t be a litter bug.
11:00am I AM SO HUNGRY AND THIRSTY!!!!!
11:04am Laverne DeFazio just walked by. I asked Mike a little too loudly where Shirley was. DEATH STARE. Mike informs me that if my pissing off Penny Marshall somehow impedes his film career, we are getting divorced.
11:12am Another plebotomy student for my blood draw. Look, I’m all for the med students. They have to learn on someone. But he couldn’t find a vein in my left arm, so he switched to my right. MY RIGHT ARM IS MY VANITY ARM. Now it’s hideous!
11:27am I am so bored and hungry I consider flopping around on the floor like a fish. It just feels right.
11: 40am I can’t get on the internet here. Why do I even bother paying taxes?
11:45am I start making up my own dance to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.” It mostly involves putting my purse on my head as a hat and looking pouty.
11:52am My my my poker face, my my poker face.
12:01pm Lots of people are walking around, but they look like giant cheeseburgers. There’s a water bottle talking next to me. It sounds like Mike!
12:02pm I want to run a mile!
12:05pm The maniacal laughter has started.
12:06pm This hospital proves that if you sit in one place long enough in LA you will see a) someone you know, b) someone famous, c) a ninja. Choice A hasn’t happened yet.
12:07pm Hey, it’s my OB!
12:09pm I’m gonna eat this chap stick.
12:12pm Original plebotomy student greets me in the blood cubby and asks me if I’ve planned my lunch. I laugh a little too loud and say, “my lunch is gonna be every single piece of pie in the cafeteria!”
12:13pm FREEDOM! I run for the cafeteria, my husband strolls after me.
12:15pm I grab a piece of pie and a bottle of water. I start gulping down the water when my husband looks at me funny. Suddenly, water starts pouring out of my nose. Mike walks away from me horrified. I feel the stares of doctors and nurses, but I can’t stop laughing.
12:15pm While walking back to the car with my pie, we pass both plebotomy students. Suddenly, my plate of pie embarrasses me.
12:30pm sugar crash. Pass out.
There’s no way I passed that test.
EDITED TO ADD: Yep. Failed.
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Comments
You poor thing! I remember the first test being lame. Can’t imagine having to go through the three hour ordeal!
Theta Mom´s last blog ..Boo Doo Bee Doo Santa Baby, Forgot to Mention One Little Thing; A Christmas Meme!
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Three hours!!?! I never had to go through the 3 hour one and I am THANKFUL!! That sounds miserable. Poor thing!!
Michelle´s last blog ..♥What a Weekend!
That was absolutely hilarious. You can definitely tell that your mood was not improving as the morning went on. Poor you for having to sit through that!
Jenn @ That Just Happened´s last blog ..One of a Kind Experience at the One of a Kind Show
I had to do the 3 hour GT test in high school (thankfully NOT pregnant). I can’t imagine what torture it would be to do it pregnant.
It seems to me that asking a pregnant woman to go that long without water is dangerous/constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.
Next pregnancy consider just pretending that you already have GD to avoid the 3 hour test. ;)
Amy´s last blog ..The Food Coma Is Lifting
Nice recap of your experience! There is always someone or something that comes into the picture to make the experience all the more exciting- shoe (sock) man………Love it!
Sara Broers´s last blog ..Soyphisticated Candles from my hometown- Mason City, Iowa!
“I am so bored and hungry I consider flopping around on the floor like a fish. It just feels right.”
I SO KNOW THIS FEELING!!!!
I once started ballet dancing (I use that term loosely, as I am not a dancer) in my OB’s office… fortunately I was in an exam room.
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Manic Monday… *cough cough*
ahhh- the nostalgia. As a 4 time flunkie- I get you more than you know!
I’m bringing 2 chilled orange Glucolas (the only way to go!) to BlogHer10 (we can spike it with vodka) and I want you to show me your Poker face!
tena´s last blog ..The first of my obligatory holiday posts full of excuses about why I suck and a warning not to expect too much from me throughout the season
Thank you for this blog post! I have had to do the 3-hour 2x with this pregnancy since I failed the 1-hour in the 1st trimester. I can totally relate to everything here, but you just worded it perfectly. PS – never get the test done next to a dunkin donuts. You will clear their racks when you’re done. LOL
Ew, I had to participate in that horror during both of my pregnancies. My hidden talent was singing, I could barely wait for each stick to be over so I could get back to my position on the couch in the lobby, where I loudly sang along to the muzac. As a special treat, I looked like a junkie with bruised, bulging veins for weeks after each test. It’s cruel and unusual punishment, I do not for one second believe that they couldn’t come up with a more efficient method. It’s a conspiracy against the pregnant people. Hope you pass!
Jacquie´s last blog ..thanks!
I was reading your tweets yesterday & I couldn’t make sense of the ninja & Laverne DiFazio thing. I had no idea you saw an actual ninja & the real Penny Marshall. I just thought you were hallucinating. (Which you clearly were, but not about that.)
Also, pouting with a purse on your head sounds like a perfect Lady Gaga impression, really.
cindy w´s last blog ..Thanksgiving Recap
Ya, I’ve never passed a glucola test. Had GD with my 2nd and my 3rd, and with my 3rd I was insulin dependent. Suck. I’m pretty sure I had it with my 1st as well, just not until like 36 weeks when I hit a certain weight range. Of course with 2 and 3, I hit that weight range A LOT earlier. Also sucks!
next time go for a walk, yes I know you aren’t susposed to but really what real everyday Pregnant women, sits down for an hour + doing NOTHING?
kyooty´s last blog ..Friday Fill-ins, Moonlight madness away!
Hilarious, as always.
Oh I have been there and it aint no fun!! But that was HYSTERICAL!
OMG, HEATHER! That made me laugh out loud, like, a gazillion times!!!
Secret Agent Mama/Mishelle´s last blog ..Once upon a time there were these newlyweds, shrimp po’boys, and a swamp…
LMAO at the Laverne line. Good thing I wasn’t there because if somebody has the giggles, I join in. I can’t help it. And you eat that pie and enjoy it and say fuck off to the students!
Tiffany´s last blog ..Kindness and Creepyness
I am laughing my ass off. Girl, I hope you passed. You deserve to pass for that.
YAY NINJAS!!!!
Issa´s last blog ..I went to Texas and all I brought you was some random stories
I’ll admit, I just googled glucola. I knew the gist, but I needed deets. 50 grams of glucose? Ho.ly.crap.
No wifi? That sucks, but I am not surprised. Seeing as though I am a student at a similar state school, I can tell you that the students are finding the fee increases a little tough to handle. But cut back wifi, especially after these midyear fee increases? (We only have it in parts of campus anyway.) AND WE WILL CUT SOMEONE. (JK… mostly.)
Alison´s last blog ..100th Post and I’m a Winner!
oh my god, I’m laughing SO HARD. I was alone at mine and kept texting my hubby while he was at work about how pissy and hungry and desperate I was. THANK THE GOOD LORD there was a Checkers right across the street from the lab. I ate the HELL out of that burger combo, I tell ya!
Best wishes with the pregnancy…hope you DID pass your test!
Mommy K´s last blog ..OH-IO Weekend!
What was the ninja doing in the hospital? I could not have rested until I found that out!!!
The Good Cook´s last blog ..Feasting and Falafel
I know your pain. With my first 3 hour test I was ready to chew my fingers off. Then I went to Cracker Barrel and ate chicken and dumplings, probably the worst thing for a diabetic. They made me do it two more times after I gave birth. Again finger chewing, though I actually got sick with the final one and spent the entire day and night following worshiping the porcelin god.
Now at 7 weeks with my second they’re already thinking of what they’re going to do about my test. Too bad Penny Marshal and Ninjas aren’t commonly seen at my gyno’s office.
Crocs with socks? WRONG
Poker Face? RIGHT
Allison´s last blog ..It Aint No Fun If My Homies Can’t Have None
OMG, what torture! I had GD with my second pregnancy and when I failed the first test and they told me I had to do the 3-hour I refused. If you’re over 200 after the 1 hour, there’s just no question. I got a monitor and told them to just treat me as if I was a diabetic. I hated drinking that crap. It’s so nasty and you are so right about it just sitting in your stomach.
On another note entirely, I attended a March of Dimes fundraiser last night. I thought of you and made a donation.
What? I liked that orange drink so much that I give them away as party favors. With pie, of course.
I feel for you. I’ve done it twice. The last time I failed so miserably They put me on an insulin pump for the remainder of my pregnancy. (I was only 9 weeks at the time) They thought they would torture me early due to my blood sugar being so high already. It was awful, but worth it since it saved my baby and she was born healthy even though she was early. Only 8 days in the NICU! Thats an awesome number so I am told. Best wishes!
Poor you – sounds horrible!
I had to do the same thing with my second child, and this reminded me of it! I was giggling the whole story, and by the way I have eaten chapstick before… I was 10 though….
I wonder how hard it is to get into plebotomy school?
AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..Men Of Few Words Are The Best Men
I just finally placed that smell lingering in my office – it’s feet. GAH, my office smells like FEEEEEET.
But pie does sound good.
Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Recovery
I can’t believe you didn’t yell GET THOSE FEET AWAY FROM ME. AIAIAIAIIGHIGHIGHGHGHG! :)
This MADE MY DAY. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Thank you Heather. I loved this post. I thought I was going to keel over when I got to the “I’m going to eat this chapstick” bit….
Twitter: charmedimsure
OH MY GAH! I am crying from laughing so hard at this post. If I drank water while reading it, I have no doubt it would be pouring out of my nose. I need pie.
Jill´s last blog ..While I was out…
Twitter: adelas
I failed Test 1 this time around, and also got to do the LOVELY three hour test. Luckily, I got to do it at my OB’s office.
I had to sit in the regular waiting room, but since I got there before they technically opened in the morning, I got my pick of seats. I picked the cushy couch in the corner of the room. I filled it up with my diaper bag full of books and my laptop (no internet, but at least I could type. or play minesweeper or something.). I had also brought a blanket and wore slipoff shoes, so I ended up shoeless too, but with my feet curled up tailor style under my blanket where nobody would notice unless they saw the shoes peeping out from under my bag.
After my second draw, I got permission to leave my junk under the watchful eye of the receptionist and walk around the building a couple times. I had to fight for it though; they were convinced I might faint – or BOLT – and they warned me like 5 times that if I didn’t come back in time for the last blood draw I would fail the test and have to do it over. Dudes. I’m just walking around the building to CUT DOWN ON MY EDEMA. I’ll be done in under 5 minutes.
Apparently my OB worked with the people that developed this test back in the 70s. They used to make them drink SO MUCH glucola [I think it was a quart, or half a gallon] that literally 90% of people puked it up – thus failing the test and having to do it again. Then they realized that they couldn’t justify using the greater amount of sugar if it was going to fail all the time, even if it was a teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeensy squeensy bit more accurate.
Della´s last blog ..Christmas Music, u can haz it now
I am actually scheduled to take this test tomorrow morning. I was shaking horribly during the first one and could barely keep it down. I’m sure twice the sugar and three times the amount of time will just be lovely!
I’m right there with you on the teaching hospital as well. My husband’s in the military and ALL their hospitals are teaching hospitals. Nothing like visiting your OBGYN and having 7 other people in the room looking at your junk and making comments like “Hmm that’s interesting…”
Nicole´s last blog ..You, Me and … Baby?
That was fucking hilarious. And also, you totally stole my Lady Gaga dance.
That was hilarious! And while I’m sorry for you, I really can’t say that I didn’t enjoy hearing all about the misery.
And you didn’t even bite anyone! Proud, I am!
Krissa´s last blog ..There just is no good title for this. I mean what on earth would you call it?
I have a friend, who I now hate, whose doc’s office let her eat a package of Skittles instead of drinking the Glucola.
Hope you pass. I’ve got GD now, but never had to take the test since I remembered what it felt like with my first kid and pretty much told the doctor when I felt like I had it at 8 weeks. I did, and now I consider myself a medical professional.
No fair – they gave me mine WARM and I hated it. And I failed. So I can’t even have pie right now. Damn you glucola. TO HELL!
Haha! Great post.
I had GD with my first pregnancy and have my 1hr test next week. If I fail there is no way I’m going through that 3hour test again! I’d rather poke my finger every day and go on the diet. Ugh. Good luck! I hope you pass.
Kristen´s last blog ..My motto for December.
That 3 hour test is EVIL. I had to do it TWICE because I simply could not keep the glucona down after 2 hours, barfed it all up and had to return again 2 days later to try again, That time I nearly threw up as well but somehow managed to keep it down, but failed the test. UGH!
Wow, I really hope that *was* a ninga and not a woman wearing a burka, as it appears to me.
http://operationitch.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/burka.jpg
Really, I’m a big fan and it would be so disappointing if the former is true.
Twitter: mamaspohr
@KH, DEFINITELY NOT a woman in a burkha. Wow.
mamaspohr´s last blog ..I Remember Them
I’m also disappointed I can’t spell ninja ;)
Twitter: motherbumper
I almost peed myself reading this. I failed the first round when I was preggers and did this dreaded test so I get it. My fav part of your hallucination was at 12:01 when the dance of the cheeseburger fairies started. Here’s hoping you fail at having diabetes which means you pass, right?
motherbumper´s last blog ..where in the world is motherbumper?
Thank goodness. My heart kind of hit the floor when I saw that picture!
Back to pure enjoyment…
Twitter: mamaspohr
@KH, It looked like this, except he had a red belt. The red belt really tied the whole thing together. Oh, and no ninja swords. That I could see.
http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Black-Ninja-Costume-Size/dp/B000RIVYLE
mamaspohr´s last blog ..I Remember Them
I laughed the entire time I was reading this, only because I had to do the exact same thing. I bombed my test too, but I didn’t really change my diet much, I too was a Slurpee connoisseur.
Now in my head i’m singing ninja, ninja rap. . .
This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I failed the one hour with my first pregnancy. During my three hour test all I could think of was food, but I felt so crappy by the time it was over I couldn’t eat. My husband had to drive me home while I held my head out the window to barf. So when I failed the one hour with my second and third pregnancy I said HELL no to the three hour, because there is something like 80% reoccurence. I am jealous you saw a ninja, I was stuck with scary white trash.
Lippy´s last blog ..How wrong?
I am sorry you have ” the sugar” as my Grandma Mae would say.I go to a butt load of doctors and hospitals. I have never seen a ninja or a famous person.So jealous!
I’m so sorry… suck. But the upside? You got to see ninja AND Laverne… plus, you got to have pie for lunch. Cool…
Grumble Girl´s last blog ..In the Mood For a Par-tay
That was fucking hilarious!!!! And I can’t believe you actually got a photo of a ninja. You could be a ninja, yourself! You know, like, when your kids are a little older and you have some spare time.
The Glucola is awful!!! Poor Heather. I remember sitting in the waiting room (no privacy) praying that I didn’t throw up in front of all the other patients from chugging that awful stuff.
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[...] is measuring so big. Earlier this week I took the gestational diabetes test (which I wrote about here), and it turns out I failed. No shock there since I also had gestational diabetes with Madeline. [...]