I had gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy, so when it came time to test for it during my current pregnancy, my OB made the decision to have me skip right to the longer test. For those of you that have managed to avoid a three hour gestational diabetes test, let me fill you in – you fast for 10-12 hours before the test, and for the eight hours before the test you can’t have any liquids. When you arrive at the lab, you get a “fasting” blood sample taken, then you chug the most disgusting sugary liquid called Glucola in five minutes or less. Then every hour for the next three hours you get more blood taken. It’s a party.
My doctor is affiliated with a big public teaching university hospital in Los Angeles. You may remember it from past events like, “Britney Spears in the Psych Ward!” and “Michael Jackson Dead!” There is one big outpatient lab, and that’s where my glucose test was set to take place.
9am I get called back for my fasting blood draw. The tech says to me, “Oh goody, you’re going to be with us for a while.” I sit in my little blood cubby and chant to myself, “no student no student no student.” A nice looking girl comes into my cubby, introduces herself and says, “I’m a student. Is that OK?” I say yes, then add, “I have a history of fainting during blood draws. Is THAT OK?” Her teacher comes over to help.
9:07am Small talk about Thanksgiving is made. I want to slap the student. I AM A PREGNANT WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN FASTING FOR 12 HOURS! I momentarily think about biting her, but decide not to. I don’t want to ruin my fast.
9:10am Fasting blood draw is over. I didn’t faint! Victory!
9:12am Glucola is delivered. It’s cold…and orange flavored. Being a bit of a glucola connoisseur, this pleases me. I chug it in under a minute. The student and her teacher are impressed.
9:14am I regret chugging the glucola. The thick syrupy sweetness is now sitting in the bottom of my empty stomach. Urp.
9:25am My husband turns to me and says, “I’m starving! I’m gonna go get breakfast at the cafeteria!” I plot his death.
9:39am A large man just sat down in Mike’s vacant chair and TOOK OFF HIS SHOES. Crocs, with socks. NOW HE’S TAKING HIS SOCKS OFF. OMG, he was sent from Satan.
9:41am Shoeman just walked away barefoot. I can taste the glucola in the back of my throat.
9:42am Mike returned and sat down in his old seat. I tell him nothing about shoeman.
10:12am Second blood draw. A full-fledged phlebotomist draws my blood and I am done in 25 seconds. Amazing!
10:20am Husband makes crack about my breath. I consider biting him.
10:25am OMG. A ninja just sat in front of me. A. NINJA.
10:26am Ninjas are hard to photograph. But I did my best.
10:37am a little kid just threw Mike’s empty coke bottle at Mike. Lesson? Don’t be a litter bug.
11:00am I AM SO HUNGRY AND THIRSTY!!!!!
11:04am Laverne DeFazio just walked by. I asked Mike a little too loudly where Shirley was. DEATH STARE. Mike informs me that if my pissing off Penny Marshall somehow impedes his film career, we are getting divorced.
11:12am Another plebotomy student for my blood draw. Look, I’m all for the med students. They have to learn on someone. But he couldn’t find a vein in my left arm, so he switched to my right. MY RIGHT ARM IS MY VANITY ARM. Now it’s hideous!
11:27am I am so bored and hungry I consider flopping around on the floor like a fish. It just feels right.
11: 40am I can’t get on the internet here. Why do I even bother paying taxes?
11:45am I start making up my own dance to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.” It mostly involves putting my purse on my head as a hat and looking pouty.
11:52am My my my poker face, my my poker face.
12:01pm Lots of people are walking around, but they look like giant cheeseburgers. There’s a water bottle talking next to me. It sounds like Mike!
12:02pm I want to run a mile!
12:05pm The maniacal laughter has started.
12:06pm This hospital proves that if you sit in one place long enough in LA you will see a) someone you know, b) someone famous, c) a ninja. Choice A hasn’t happened yet.
12:07pm Hey, it’s my OB!
12:09pm I’m gonna eat this chap stick.
12:12pm Original plebotomy student greets me in the blood cubby and asks me if I’ve planned my lunch. I laugh a little too loud and say, “my lunch is gonna be every single piece of pie in the cafeteria!”
12:13pm FREEDOM! I run for the cafeteria, my husband strolls after me.
12:15pm I grab a piece of pie and a bottle of water. I start gulping down the water when my husband looks at me funny. Suddenly, water starts pouring out of my nose. Mike walks away from me horrified. I feel the stares of doctors and nurses, but I can’t stop laughing.
12:15pm While walking back to the car with my pie, we pass both plebotomy students. Suddenly, my plate of pie embarrasses me.
12:30pm sugar crash. Pass out.
There’s no way I passed that test.
EDITED TO ADD: Yep. Failed.
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OMG, you made me miss the craziness of LA and being pregnant. LOL!
Sorry to hear that you failed the test. The last thing you need is complications of any kind. Thinking of you and hoping your pregnancy continues on healthy and smooth.
Twitter: mommabird2345
December 3, 2009 at 11:19 am
This seriously made me laugh. :)
I did not find this post funny at all. I thought it was idiotically boring, and your comment about ”Ninja” is rather racist. The test you had is NORMAL. I’m surprised you made such a big deal about it. If you had it first time round you’re more than likely to get it second time round – so I am surprised they made you do thhe long 3 hour test – think you made most of this up. Oh by the way are you going to teach your children about ”Ninja’s???” – ITS RUDE AND RACIST. Wake up – you have the chance to stop making comments like this and make the world better. Btw, I know what it’s like to have GD and I really wish you all the best in your pregnancy.
@vallie, You are a jerk……….now go away. Gez it was great Heather and I enjoyed it…so what if she made “light” of GD. The 3 hour test is NOT normal you ONLY take that if you FAILED the NORMAL one or have a history of GD> I would think vallie since you slaim to have had GD you would KNOW that. You are incredibly rude.
Twitter: mamaspohr
December 5, 2009 at 2:14 am
heh, thanks Marsha. But really, I should thank Vallie, I didn’t realize it was racist to talk about college kids dressed as ninjas. I would never want to pass on such bad habits to my children!
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