Know what’s pissing me off right now? Peanut butter and the peanut butter knows exactly why.
Hell, everybody knows that peanut butter is the deadly enemy. Trust me, I have no idea what it’s like to have a deadly food allergy but I really feel for people that do and try to accommodate best I can. But full disclosure here: my family also loves to harbor the enemy and we love to eat it with abandon (especially in its chocolate cup form.)
But honestly: I’m not complaining about having peanut butter – plus a plethora of other things — banned at the schools and group activities. I get it and I agree with it but omfg, we love peanut butter.
In this household we are darn lucky that no one has deadly nut allergies because there could be a momentary lag in deciding who to put out. In fact for me, peanut butter was my only source of protein from the ages three to twenty-three (for a multitude of reasons, mostly picky eater and student lifestyle variety). Thankfully my daughter is a bit more adventurous in the eating department than her mom but peanut butter is still a staple in her diet.
And that’s why I’ve always felt bad for the kid in her school (this year he’s in her class) who’s deathly allergic to peanut butter. I’m nervous that if he ever had an allergic reaction in the classroom, that I might have had a hand in it. To boot he’s a really nice kid. I’m not sure if that really factors into the whole allergy vigilance or if it would be less stressful if he was a little shit so let’s be glad he’s a good kid and hope it never comes to that.
Yes so, some days I’m completely freaked about sending my kid to school because I’m convinced she has traces of peanut butter somewhere on her person and she’s gonna endanger her classmate. Yes I’m a freak worrier.
So to help lower the worry threat level, I’ve really tried to leave peanut butter for weekends and after school but some days it’s what’s for lunch because the grocery store just didn’t make the cut due to laziness. And I really should know better than to serve preanut butter when I’m trying to get caught up with things because I swear there was one day last week I should have fed her flour and margarine with some vanilla that I found at the back of the cupboard. It would have been less stressful.
You see on that particular day I decided to give my kid peanut butter fondue with her favorite fruit which usually is a win-win situation all around. Fruit! Protein! Busy hands! So after settling her down with her food, I set about getting things ready for school.
That was my first mistake: I left the table.
What happened next at the table is a mystery but I managed to sum up my reaction to finding her in less than 160 characters: My kid just smeared herself head to toe with peanut butter, therefore rendering herself a weapon of mass destruction at her school.
Than a minute later after reassessing the damage: I sense a scrubbing a la Silkwood in our future. #peanutbutteristheyummyworkofthedevil. There’s a hashtag you’ll probably see me using every once and a while.
Anyhow, I was too shocked to take picture but imagine a thirty pound ball of peanut butter with a big smile across its face. Like Mr. Hanky, except not made of poo.
For the record, I ended up having to hose her down completely (and gently) with suds for fear that this was going to be the day that cute little blond kid gets to test the teachers reflex with an epi pen. Oh hell no, I’m not going to let that happen.
Peanut butter, you’re grounded.
P.S. Meet me in the kitchen at midnight
btw – the title refers to my last post about being Watch List worthy and my taliban ties.
About Katie Motherbumper
My BFF has an 8-year old who is allergic to peanut butter and it’s a real shame, especially since I have the best peanut butter cake recipe in the world!
@Solon, That is a shame. Actually my BFF in elementary school was allergic to eggs and milk and her mother was the best baker in the world. She made these wonderful confectionaries for me and the other kids to enjoy while her daughter got to watch. It always made me feel guilty between bites.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I knew better than to trust you Canadians. First it’s peanut butter, next it’ll be bacon.
Mmm. Bacon.
Twitter Name: shaunaglenn
@Shauna, mmmmmmm bacon… do you know I love toasted peanut butter and bacon sandwiches? True story. Don’t knock it til you try it.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
You canadians are so shifty. I love that about you.
@jenbshaw, awwwwwwww yup we are a shifty bunch but we are polite about it.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I live in fear of one of the boys having a friend with a peanut allergy. I’m convinced that there is probably peanut oil on every surface of our house. In fact, one day one of the boys did invite a boy over with an allergy but I spoke to his mom and luckily it was only if he ingested it. I would have had to cancel the playdate if that wasn’t the case.
Twitter Name: justAcliche
@heidi, I’m glad someone else has the same fear as me. I was told that the kid in her class is so allergic that it can be just airborne which FREAKS ME OUT. I’m seriously banning PB before school from now on.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
OH MY GOD. I would cry, because that sounds like it was a NIGHTMARE to clean up. And we all know how bad I am at cleaning.
Also? I love peanut butter too. But apparently it doesn’t love me back, because every time I eat it now, I get a horrible stomach ache after.
It fucking sucks.
Twitter Name: AMomTwoBoys
@AMomTwoBoys, A tummy ache? Wow, that really sucks. Oh wait, you already said that. And yes, it is a nightmare to clean up – oil based and it gets chaulky. Also the smell gets into everything.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I let my daughter have 4 friends over on the eve of her sixth birthday. Yeah, that was my first mistake. FOUR 5 and 6 year old girls??? Louder than an airforce air show! One of the girls my daughter chose to have over was her friend D. D is allergic to air. Okay, not air, but pretty much everything else. Nuts, Wheat, Dairy, Soy, oh and did I mention AIR??? Her mom sent her food that she could have. I was so afraid all night, I think I slept with one eye open, holding her EPI pen. Nothing bad happened, we made it through, but damn, I found my first grey hair the next morning. I’m pretty sure it was the stress and fear of killing one of my daughters BFF with the barrage of junk food the girls requested. (She only ate what she brought, smart girl!!)
@Stephanie, OMG, like I was telling Salon above, my BFF in elementary was allergic to pretty much everything and she did have an allergic attack at school one day. Her lips swelled up like a cartoon mouth and it was scary…
holy cow, I think I’ve totally figured out why I’m so scared about this kid in her class is going to have an allergic reaction.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Oh lord! I can’t even imagine. And peanut butter can be a bitch to clean up!
There is a kid in my daughter’s class that is allergic to peanuts. They sent a letter home in the beginning of the year to NOT send anything with peanuts/peanut butter for lunch or snack. That really screwed with my damn schedule because I love to send her with PBJ! :)
I’ve improvised, and now I just send her with Jelly on some bread!! GO ME! Aiming low ;)
(Obviously I don’t actually do that. But I did think about it for a second!)
Twitter Name: LovinStilettos
I might be in the minority, but I hate peanut butter! As a kid I loved it, and ate a lot of it. Now, I can’t stand the sight or smell of it. My husband, who is my exact polar opposite, looooves it. And because I love him, I buy it, and make cookies with it!
I was that kid who was allergic to everything in school, although astoundingly not nuts, but everything else yeah allergy central. It sucks being the kid with allergies especially when it comes to holiday and birthday parties at school. As I think about it, it kinda explains why I wasn’t invited to any sleepovers till I was nearly a teenager…or at least I hope that’s why…
Twitter Name: unknwndreamer
OK. I thought this was aiming low? wow, you guys are like awesome and caring parents. I live in the deep south, my kid has asthma and I actually had a coach tell me we had to toughen him up by running laps, I can’t even imagine what they would do with a peanut allergy, maybe dip them in a vat of it? Point being, how very cool and considerate of you guys to be so cautious for the little blond kid, ( my little blond kid thanks you !)