Aiming Low wants to welcome the newest addition to our writing team, hand picked by our fearless leader, herself. We know you will all love Sarah as much as Anissa does, she is wickedly funny, and snarky as hell, a perfect fit. Welcome, Sarah, we are so happy to have you on board!
I don’t know what colors compliment my skin tone. Hell, I don’t even know my skin tone. I have no idea if your eye shadow should match your clothing, or not. And brown mascara versus black? Holy shit, it beats me.
You get the point, right? I suck at being pretty. So, when people give me beauty advice I take it—no questions asked.
Last week I complained to a male co-worker that my skin was really rough and dry lately. He suggested I use coffee-grounds to exfoliate. It seemed like a brilliant idea, and he’s gay so he knows way more about beauty than I do. The next morning after brewing my coffee I dumped the used grounds into a bowl, jumped in the shower and rubbed myself down with the warm mixture. I didn’t even care that the grounds clogged the drain. I figured the coffee-filled standing water around my ankles would make my feet extra soft.
IT WAS AWESOME! My skin was so soft I overlooked smelling like the wrinkly old dude who serves my greasy eggs at my favorite diner. What’s more important: skin that feels like baby ass, or smelling like a dude with saggy balls? Baby ass always trumps saggy balls.
Later that day the creepy, jittery dude sat next to me at school. I chalked it up as a coincidence, but when the same thing happened in the next two classes I began to wonder if smelling like coffee was a bad idea. I attract enough freaks as it it, the last thing I want is encouraging the jittery dudes to befriend me.
The lesson here is that coffee grounds aren’t a proper exfoliant. Unless you want to shower outdoors and have coffee addicts lick your nether regions. If that’s your thing I won’t judge. Well, maybe just a little but only because you deserve it.
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I have definitely used coffee grinds on my skin, but supposedly to get rid of cellulite. Um yeah, the only thing getting rid of these cottage cheese thighs is a Shop Vac powered home liposuction kit. And yes, then I smelled like coffee and kept looking around for a Starbucks all day. beauty FAIL.
oops!
Ok, I also do not wear make up, or use lotion, or wash my face. I don’t know, I am a 14 year old boy.
I still put dabs of lip gloss on the apple’s of my cheeks to look “dewey” because I remember Jessica Simpson talking about it on Newlyweds.
So, I obviously follow lame beauty advice…but the smell of coffee makes me hurl.
Twitter Name: barefootfoodie
*snort*
Welcome, Sarah :-) Great intro post :-) Coarse sugar and olive oil with a dash of vanilla extract is a yummy smelling, easy one.
Wait, if you are bad at beauty I must be a disaster. My idea of make up is pinching my cheeks so they get a bit of color.
Twitter Name: logicallibby
I’ve heard of using coffee grounds but never actually tried it. Now I definitely never will because I too attract freaks on a regular basis and I don’t want to make that shit worse!
Twitter Name: LovinStilettos
When coffee addicts lick my nether regions I call that Success!
Twitter Name: shaunaglenn
I’m SO glad someone finally put “baby ass always trumps saggy balls” down in writing and made it official.
Welcome aboard, Sarah!
Twitter Name: AMomTwoBoys
I think you should pitch the idea of coffee addicts licking the nether regions to Ron Jeremy. You may have something here.
PS – you should have seen the huge smile I got when I saw you face on Aiming Low. Sarah Nielson + Aiming Low = no brainer
Welcome Sarah! We always can use more inappropraite balls talk around here.
I would have wanted to lick your face- I love that smell… but didn’t it make you look jaundiced? Maybe that’s what Charlize Theron did for the Oscar’s a few years ago… and here I thought it was spray tan.
Twitter Name: tenakim
All I know is that you said saggy balls.
I have no idea why they asked you to write here.
I think you’re onto something here. What would happen if you rubbed beer & steak on your face? Report back.
Twitter Name: mamaspohr
Welcome to Aiming Low, Sarah. :D
Twitter Name: SillyJaime
I suck at being pretty too. If you find the cure to dry skin, send it over…my sahara skin can use some tips…just not the coffee-smelling kind.
Twitter Name: alimartell
Wow, ok first, welcome. Second. DAMN GIRL. you may have just saved my marriage. I am married to an uber geek, as in unless I get a keyboard tattooed on my but we don’t see any “you know”.. But with the massive amounts of coffee he ingests I am thinking if I were to try this, he might be overcome and show me some luvin… I hate coffee but will totally give this a try. Woo hoo and thanks..
This is my first time on this site. I really enjoyed your post.
I always gag a little when you mention balls in a post. And you must remember that you work with nerds.
So the next time I get accosted by the Dead Sea salt scrub lady at the mall kiosk, I’ll have a comeback, “Um, I can’t spend $49.99 on your product, because I use coffee grinds.”