I went to the mall. It ate my soul.
I went to the mall today.
It was a colossal FAIL. On many levels, in many ways.
I was assaulted by unpleasantness from the moment I walked in the door. There were throngs of angsty teenagers in skinny jeans and neon paint splattered hoodies crowding the food court. I could not figure out why the hell there was a field trip to the mall when I remembered that it is Winter Break (otherwise known as Christmas Vacation). I decided that my hunger could wait and I moved on to store #1.
It was there that I was assaulted by people at the other end of the age spectrum. Store #1 was full of little old ladies who wanted nothing more than to shuffle slowly in front of me and then turn around, not to get out of my way, but to coo at my sleeping baby. Multiple blue hairs tried to actually touch him. A SLEEPING BABY. Clearly they were oblivious to my scathing Grinch eye. I moved on to store #2.
This store was full of college age males, some there under the pretense of working, some not. I did not last long in this store. They were operating at a level of douche-baggery that can only be achieved by 18-20 year old males who haven’t quite recovered from the previous night’s hangover. I did not trust my ability to refrain from kicking them all in the junk.
Hunger was taking over, I retreated back to the food court.
The angsty teenagers were still there.
I stood patiently in line to get my over-sized slice of pizza behind a gaggle of them. The two girls in front of me are lucky that they will still be able to bear children someday because I came dangerously close to punching them in the baby makers. The woman who works the register at the pizza place has severe hand/finger deformities, her fingers are very short and do not bend. She is still amazingly adept at what she does. The idiot girl in front of me paid with wadded up cash from her pocket. I’m not kidding, she threw 7 individually wadded up bills on the counter and then WATCHED as the poor woman struggled to straighten and count them.
I finally got my lukewarm slice of pizza and sat down to eat. I was lucky enough to be sitting right next to Blair Waldorf 2.0 (now in miniture bite-sized goodness) complete with her two lemming friends. I was about to school them in the fine art of making fun of classmates without being totally obvious when I noticed my other neighbor staring at me. I glanced over and was shocked to find someone over the age of 18 in my vicinity. Some other poor sap surrounded by the idiocy that is junior high students. Then I realized he was checking me out. I found it odd until I realized that it was either ogle the chic with the baby or jail-bait. Sigh.
I moved on to store #3. I must have been daydreaming because I doddled a little too slowly past the crazy mall kiosk guy. Seriously he works like 6 of them. Is it just me, or do those fools get really over-aggressive around this time of year. When I realized he was pushing his wares on me I panicked and mumbled something and pretended to answer my non-ringing phone.
I managed to escape him only to run into the creepy elf lady outside Santa’s Workshop. No! No I would NOT like to have my baby’s picture taken with Santa, I have already endured that torture once this year. I was barely past this obstacle when I began my approach to the final store. It was then that I heard the bell, you know the one. The tiny jingle that no one can escape during the holiday season. No one told me that they have moved the bell ringers indoors. Also, why do they always choose individuals who have no concept of personal space.
After all of this I am sad to say I didn’t even get what I was after. What is this elusive gift I am after you ask?
A duffel bag.
A freaking duffel bag for my husband.
Clearly everything bad that happens to me is his fault.
Disagree with me and I’ll punch YOU in the baby maker.
Happy Friggin Holidays! (avoid the mall)
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Comments
The mall is so evil around the holidays! And you’re so right about the mall kiosk people. I was in the mall the other day, walking FAST (aka in a friggin hurry) and one of the kiosk ladies asked me to try her hand scrub. I said “no thanks!” with a smile and THEN she was like “Can I ask you a question?” They ALWAYS try this– don’t they know we’re not falling for it?
@Melissa, usually I have very good avoidance tactics but I was very distracted yesterday. Sigh.
I prefer my pajamas, a glass of wine and the internet. I cannot say enough good about online shopping.
We braved Costco the other day because I had ordered some photos for the grandparents and needed to pick them up and we needed some other stuff (to the tune of $225). We went to the rural one, I took Darren along who is a master at strategic strike shopping and we were in and out in 40 minutes.
@Nicole, I like to shop in person as opposed to online I just really needed to get my shit together and shop sooner. Lesson learned for next year.
Twitter: alimartell
I am desperately trying to avoid the mall…DESPERATELY. but, I’m sure, I will somehow end up there today. with my three kids plus Emily’s playdate. god help me.
alimartell´s last blog ..GOOD THINGS.
@alimartell, I do not recommend this. At all.
Twitter: meshell81
I can’t even go to the mall at this time of the year. I used to be able to, but now I just get pissed off.
Michelle´s last blog ..♥Weekend Update.
@Michelle, I think if I could have just avoided the crazy teenagers it might have been a different story.
I can’t remember the last time I went to the mall. But I must admit, your recap kinda makes me miss the 15 years I spent working the holidays in the mall. I used to mentally junk punch kids ALL THE TIME!
Tena´s last blog ..When in doubt… watch Charlie Brown
Thanks for the laugh I needed it.
Sandy´s last blog ..Results from my open house
REI makes duffle bags. And anything from REI can be returned for any reason, at any time after you’ve bought it, no questions asked for a replacement or store credit or a refund. The BEST part about REI? They are not (ever, ever, ever) attached to a mall.
@halfdome621….. I work at a mall which totally has an REI in it. It’s a travesty, I know. The mall is supposed to be one of those fancy upgraded ones with an outdoor promenade type thing, which basically means they moved half the stores outside and told us EVERYTHING would cost more. And sadly, REI stands right between the Pottery Barn and Gap. It’s plain evil.
Sa´s last blog ..Mea Culpa
L.L. Bean also has great duffel bags and tote bags and, like REI, all of their products have a lifetime guarantee and can be returned at any time for any reason. Screw the mall, shop on-line!
I would have punched the little “lady” in her junk. OK, I wouldn’t have but I would have said something under my breath. Loudly. Who raises these kids?
Karen Chatters´s last blog ..My Christmas Wish
Yeah, my sister always gets bullied by the blue-rinse crowd, so she has learned to do all of her shopping in advance. I, however, had one more gift to get and foolishly went out today. I feel your pain.
Twitter: motherbumper
I seethe at baby touchers. SEETHE!
Malls are Satan’s stomping grounds.
katie´s last blog ..I Want A New Drug* (This was supposed to be a decorating the Christmas Tree post but it’s not)
oh…it’s sooo true!!! on the 23rd, as i grew more hysterical with every step through the mall, a person at a kiosk that appeared to be selling some sort of heated massage wraps THRUST one of them into MY personal space and yelled “Touch it!” I screamed, “NO!” and ran to the exit! Oh MY!
Tatyanna´s last blog ..Octavia Butler
Seriously. The mall is a horrible place anymore. I am spending more and more time at outdoor malls where I have more personal space and more room to avoid all the nutjobs out there. I soon see myself doing all my shopping online.
Hope your holidays ended up merry!
Karen Hartzell, Graco´s last blog ..Happy Holidays from Graco! Graco Get One Give One #12
I take a perverse sense of pride in having avoided the malls completely this year..except when I went with a friend to buy some jewelry for his wife. Fortunately, no junk was punched at all this holiday season. I can’t say that EVERY year.
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