Here is the story of my very own Christmas miracle disaster.

I hope you enjoy. (that was sarcasm, you better feel sorry for me)

Let’s start this story on the night before Christmas eve. If you know me at all you know that I am a huge college basketball fan. I can watch pretty much any two teams play on any given night. My favorite team is of course the Fighting Illini. It used to be that our biggest rival was Iowa and I suppose as far as conference rivals go that is still the case. However, I live in Missouri now, so the annual Mizzou – Illini game is HUGE for me. We always lose in football but for the last nine years we have beat them in basketball. We did not win this year. We didn’t just play bad, or get beat, we played LAZY and got beat. There is nothing that irritates me more than watching those douchbags talented kids give a game away. Anywhoozle….moving on.

Christmas Eve day we went to a family function and let’s just say it was akward and leave it at that. I can’t go into the details. Just. Akward.

Christmas day I woke up to the best. present. ever. It would seem that mother nature had me on her naughty list and she came a knockin. That bitch. To make the situation worse I was not prepared.

At all.

So instead of my normal “light” products I am using the “super duper” ones. Not comfortable.

At all.

By the time Christmas night had come along I had taken a vicodin and was considering death as a viable option. The baby and I went to bed at 11:00, by 2:00 we were both awake and unhappy. We moved to the couch. I ended up sleeping on a heating pad and filling myself with more vicodin.

So…yeah…FUN…

The next day we packed up the truck and headed for our last party. I really kind of thought we were in the clear.

I was wrong.

Because of the whole not-prepared thing, we had to make a stop at Target for supplies. Since is was snowing and freezing my husband asked me to pick up some of the de-icer windshield washer fluid. I made the only 10 minute target run I have EVER done and hustled it back out to the truck. My husband popped the hood, filled the reservoir and slammed the hood.

Then he slammed it again.

And again.

Then he made the Face. You know the one. The one that signals the move from confused to pissed off. So he jumps back in the truck and starts fiddling with the hood release. Now I can see that it doesn’t look right, it isn’t popping back into place as it should after releasing the hood. So he gets back out to try the old “keep slamming it until something works or breaks method”. It was at this point that the baby decided he was hungry.

Fantastic.

So Ryan gets back into the truck and after cursing everything under the sun for five minutes, has me look up the nearest dealership. Mind you this is after arguing for 10 minutes about the logistics of driving someplace with the hood half latched. We finally get an address and get my google maps going only to discover that the GMC dealership is in fact right across the facking street. So we pull up to the service door and while the sign says Monday-Friday there are people inside and a guy comes out to the truck. He tells us that they haven’t had a working service department in 30 years. WTF. So he sends us back across the street to a tire place.

Luckily this tire place is connected to the mall so we drop the keys and head into the mall. I HAD to use the bathroom and I couldn’t wait for my husband to come meet me so I just took the baby in with me. Imagine if you will trying to hold a baby, go to the bathroom and answer your ringing phone all at the same time. I’m not sure how I succeeded. Anyway, we headed for the food court Orange Julius and got some nachos and a soda. As I watched my husband check his phone every two seconds I decided to grab my phone and find someone to talk to so as to avoid talking to him. I started digging in my purse and thats when I realized that I did NOT succeed in the bathroom.

I remembered very clearly setting my phone down on the toilet paper holder.

Fuck. (I’ve been trying to watch my cursing but I’m pretty sure at this point it is OK to let one fly)

I told my husband what I had done as I was standing up to run back to the bathroom, you know so as to avoid his lecture. I ran into the bathroom and dashed into the stall I had just occupied but it was gone, as I headed out the woman changing her baby gave me an incredibly strange look but I just didn’t have the time to explain this to her so I ran back out. Thankfully my crackberry was safe and sound at the catalog desk.

After waiting for another 15 minutes I had my mom drive over from the party and pick up me and the baby and my husband followed behind 30 minutes later once the truck was fixed.

After all of this I’m sorry to announce that I am canceling Christmas next year. I just can’t handle another weekend like that.

P.S. I’m sorry if this post sucks, or isn’t funny but while I was trying to write it I was distracted by Heather, Meghan, Sarah and I was also busy sucking it up on Words with Friends. I am apparently still horrible at word games. Good to know.