I can’t quite remember where we were going, but I remember that Davey was napping and the kids were having some reading time. I think we were going to co-op. Yeah, that’s it; we were going to co-op, but I digress.
The kids were all on the couches, reading, and I was upstairs getting ready. All of a sudden I heard someone running up the stairs. I peeked out of my bathroom and it was Mikey.
“Mama! This is the most disgusting book in the whole wide world!”
“What is it, Mikey?”
“I don’t know? Some book that BENNY took out from the library. It’s disgusting and you should take it back and tell them to never let anyone rent it again!”
“Mikey. It can’t be that bad. What’s the title?”
“My Mom’s Having a Baby and it’s disgusting. Come and see!” {puking sounds}
At this point I was a little worried about what I was going to find in this “My Mom’s Having a Baby” book. I followed Mikey to the living room.
“Mama,” Livey said, “Benny got this book out and it’s kinda gross. Here. Read it!”
Benny innocently said, “I just took it out because you had a baby and I thought I’d like it!”
I took the book and started flipping through the pages. The book was about a girl named Elizabeth and how you couldn’t tell by looking at her mom, but inside her was a little tiny baby growing. How her mom ate good food for the baby. How she took care of their health by going to a doctor every month. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Then one night Elizabeth wonders, “how did that baby get in Mom’s tummy?”
Enter gross. Enter disgusting. Enter Mishelle’s gonna have some explaining to do.
My face grew red hot. I closed the book carefully, went to the table, picked up my cell phone, said I’ll be right back, and went out the front door to call Michael.
“Dude. Our kids just found out how babies are made?”
“How?”
“A book!”
“A book?”
“Yes, a freakin’ book! Benny took out a book from the library called “My Mom’s Having a Baby” and IT. SHOWS. EVERYTHING.”
“Everything?”
“Yes, everything! Like, my mom and dad love each other so much that, at night, they cuddle and kiss, under the covers, naked, and then my dad’s penis goes into my mom’s vagina and a GOOEY liquid comes out and that’s how he knocks her up. Yes. Totally explicit. What do I do?”
“They told it like that?”
“Well, not exactly, but you know?! They even had hearts coming up from the mom and dad. THE DAD WAS ON TOP, YO! Seriously. They so know.”
“Well, you’re gonna have to go in there and tell them about it now.”
“I know, I know.”
I hung up with the guy who put his penis into my vagina on more than one night and trudged back into the house.
I sat down. And sighed, “Guys. I wanna talk to you about that book.”
“What book?” Mikey asked.
“The book you thought was disgusting. Look, that book talks about the way babies are made. I just want to talk to you about it to see if you have any questions. Because, that’s how a baby IS made.”
“REALLY?”
“Are you sure?”
“Mama, tell the truth!”
“No guys, really,” and I continued to tell them about the love mamas and papas have for each other, and the love they make, and the biology of it all, and the penis and the vagina, and how you have to be much, much, MUCH older to have [sex].
“Do you guys have any questions?”
Mikey and Livey shook their heads no.
Benny however looked at me, cocked his head to the side, and said, “Mama, are you really telling the truth? Is that how a baby gets inside of a mom?”
“Yes, Benny, it’s true! All true.”
“Ugh. Mama. Couldn’t you just lie to us? That’s just SO disgusting.”
This was originally posted at Secret Agent Mama on January 15th, 2009.
I have since had another–more in depth–talk with my children, all because of the movie “17 Again”. It just goes to show that not only should you* monitor the books your kids check out at the library, but you should also preview the movies they watch first, too. Or simply watch the movie with them. That way when questions come up you can answer them. So what if you are red faced and sweating a little? I mean, your daughter’s got underarm hair and your son is wearing deodorant and thinking girls are cute instead of gross and all cutie-ridden. They’re growing up, you old woman you!
*you = me but might also be YOU!
- Recovering Do-It-All Mommy
- Falling from Grace. Again.
- Things I learned from my mom
- Change for a dollar
- Isabella vs. The Water Fountain
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: Anne54304
November 4, 2009 at 8:19 am
We are also quite familiar with that book. My daughter checked it out from the kids sections at our public library and we were just as floored as you when we saw what it entailed. When I returned it to the library I mentioned to the librarian that it certainly DID NOT belong on a shelf in the children’s section of the library!
@Anne Y,
I returned it and told our children’s section librarian about it. She was kinda appalled, too. Then we laughed.
Twitter: alimartell
November 4, 2009 at 10:24 am
oh my god.
my kids watched Look Who’s Talking recently. I still have nightmares about all their damn questions. MY GOD.
@alimartell,
It’s nucking futs, eh?
We’ve been having an issue with library books lately. At first my 4yo kept picking books about divorce. Then my husband told me last night’s story was about a coyote trying to eat a wolf and her 3 babies. The mom begged, can’t you just eat me and not the babies. The coyote replied, it won’t matter anyway since they’ll die without you. They finally tricked the coyote and went home and discussed how they had to be more careful in the future. Who writes these books for kids?!?!
@JulieBouf,
I wonder that thing, too!
Twitter: SillyJaime
November 4, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Agreed.
My 5 year old nephew brought home a book last month that was about a little boy elephant that got spanked every time he asked a question, like he was being punished for being curious. That’s not the kind of message you send children!
@Jaime,
What the eff? HORRIBLE!
Twitter: anissamayhew
November 4, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Don’t you understand that lies are FOOD to a parent-child relationship??? It’ll die without them.
@Anissa,
Best. Answer. Ever.
Thank God, I will be done having kids by the time my kids are in school. I think Would serious die from a panic attack.
@Lesslie,
Yes, I know the panic attacks well!
I love that they asked if you were sure that this was how babies were made.
@Jill,
The look on his face was even better. LOL
Twitter: babysteph
November 5, 2009 at 12:50 am
OMG I would die. DIE! This is never going to come up with my kids, right? RIGHT?
Steph
@Adventures In Babywearing,
Oh No, it’s gonna happen. I thought the time would never come and LOOK! Look what I’m dealing with.
Twitter: KarenChatters
November 5, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I’m not sure you were really Aiming Low here. If you wanted to be really low, you could have told them the book was fiction. Or, better yet, don’t allow them to go to the library. Let them know the library is full of BAD THINGS and reading isn’t good for them. Not sure what that’s going to do for their education though.
@Karen Chatters,
The aiming low bit was when I just let them pick all willy-nilly, without a glance. The final outcome, though, was my alter ego totally aiming high!
My son was certain the baby came out through the mother’s head. Like, she needed to cut her head off to get it out. Giggle… I’ve been honest about the process so far, but on an “as-asked” basis. I feel a new round of questions about to emerge though. Shudder! Balls.
Sweating for no reason at all sucks.
Twitter: Kristine R Gordon
March 15, 2010 at 11:09 am
You should DEFINITELY DVR an episode or 2 of “A Baby Story” on TLC. Seeing the drama of birth will take their minds off of how the baby got there in the first place.