I spend a lot of time dogging my husband’s annoying habits and irritating noises–it’s just what I do. It’s one of the many things that makes me so adorable.

But recently I’ve heard from some people who feel like I’m too hard on him–that perhaps I’ve gone too far. In fact, one person sent me an email that said, and I quote,

“In reading your column last month I kept waiting for the part where you tell Tommy (or your fictional husband, as this is supposed to be satire) you love him, and despite it all you wouldn’t have anyone else. After reading the last sentence, however, I just felt kind of sad and disappointed. Your columns are always interesting and most always light hearted and funny. I just read your latest article and like last month I just felt sad for the man that would have his wife feel this way.”

Dude. Seriously? You feel sorry for him?

But, because I’ve never *officially* said this, I’ll say it now. I don’t really find my husband all that annoying. He doesn’t drive me nuts on a regular basis, nor do I wish he’d stop making guttural noises with his throat and shuffling his feet across the hardwood floors.

Ok, that’s a lie.

What I should say is, if Tommy doesn’t have a problem with what I write about him, neither should anyone else. Although I’m *sure* he appreciates people coming to his defense (not that he needs help–he’s a black belt in Karate for cryin out loud–he could kill me using only his thumb if he wanted to). Plus, he doesn’t read my blog or my articles or my Twitter streams or my Facebook page… and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? It’s the key to a happy marriage. The less you know about what the other person is saying about you, the better. *I should totally write a marriage book.*
But to be fair to those who think I’m the *evil, ungrateful, husband hating wife* I decided to write a letter to me from Tommy. It’s what I imagine he’d say if he had the balls, er, I mean, time.

Dear Shauna,

Why do you obsess about the toilet paper? It’s TOILET PAPER. It doesn’t matter how you put the roll on the holder–or if you do it at all. Toilet paper is for wiping your ass. Period. And despite what you think, I don’t “put it on the wrong way” to annoy you. Although, I will admit that is a bonus.

Also, this fascination you have with midget porn? I don’t get it. I’ve seen it (once on my laptop in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep because you were snoring so loudly–you really should see someone about that, by the way) and it’s just the same as regular porn (which I know for a fact you watch sometimes–don’t try and deny it) just the people are smaller.

And these videos you make? Oh my God, please stop already. Do you know how embarrassing it is to go to a meeting and the CEO of the company says, “so YOU’RE the lucky guy whose wife puts videos on Youtube of herself wearing her high school cheerleading uniform, drinking wine straight out of the bottle?” What am I supposed to say to that?

And while we’re talking about drinking, do you have to….. never mind. You do.

Other things that annoy me about you? You’re a water nazi. There, I said it. Don’t think I don’t see you across the bathroom glaring at me while I brush my teeth. Yes, I leave the water running. So what. I don’t appreciate when you walk over and turn it off WHILE I’M USING IT. Especially since you insisted we build a swimming pool. Hello? How much water did we waste doing THAT? Your inconsistency knows no limits.

And your obsessive need to be on time everywhere? Or even early? God, it’s too much to take. You pace and you check the clock and you pace some more and you sigh, heavily, and you start the car and you march back into the bedroom and yell, “AREN’T YOU READY YET?” Just so we’re clear, I was ready 30 minutes ago but because you pester me about being ready on time, I make us late on purpose.

I love you but seriously, you’ve GOT to loosen up. I’ve got two words for you. Un.Clench.

Also, you might want to consider growing up one of these days. Maturity is sexy despite what you’ve heard. Oh, but feel free to continue to flash your boobs at me. That’s also sexy.

There’s more, but I’d like to have sex with you again. Preferably today.

Love,
Tommy

PS. Wow. I can totally see why you do this. I feel SO much better.