As a teenager, nothing tossed me into a hormonal horny frenzy like hockey. Or, more specifically, like hockey players.
Hockey players are tall. Hockey players have model-hair. And broken noses. Hockey players are tall and they have big hands and they they skate, oh, how they skate. I love Brian Boitano and all but a triple salchow doesn’t exactly melt my panties. A hard check into the boards? A lightning-fast pivot? Can I get an amen?
I love hockey. I’m a Floridian, so the simple experience of walking into a chilly building is exciting. Add the frenetic energy of a bunch of hockey-starved snowbirds and bloodthirsty rednecks southerners and the excitement amps up to eleven. Add violent, talented, sexy hockey players and you have the perfect storm.
In my pants.
I always go to games early so I can watch my team practice. I stand against the boards, tits nose the glass, blushing scarlet each time I make eye contact with one of my favorite players. I flail and jump and whoop and holler and dance when my boys score. I trudge out of the arena with a scowl on my face when they lose.
I love hockey.
So the other night, when I had a dream about a couple of my favorite players from the mid-90’s all chivalrously but sexily hitting on me, did I seal the deal? No. Of course not. I COCKBLOCKED THEM. Why? Because my stupid married subconscious was all, oh no you don’t, you’re married! You can’t screw hockey players!
It was like I had some sort of electronic buzzing chastity belt IN MY BRAIN.
I woke up from my dream moaning. Not in the fun making out with a cute hockey player to make the other cute hockey player jealous (no, my dreamhockeyplayers did not want to do me at the same time, perverts) way. In the damn it I have been waiting years for this sex dream and I totally dropped the ball way.
My husband better appreciate this shit.
Sigh.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
After attending my first hockey game this weekend I TOTALLY understand this.
Twitter: mariamelee
November 16, 2009 at 9:55 am
@Jen, RIGHT???
It sounds like you had fun. I haven’t been since last year. SO SAD.
You are soooo depraved, woman! This hurts my head. And it makes me laugh. You cockblocked your own self… bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!! Your man had BETTER appreciate that indeed! (Me no likey the hockey so much – I’m a bad Canadian – but I TOTALLY get the rush of when the tall, broken-ish man on skates goes whooshing by like that… shiver. Yummy.)
I am laughing at you. Giggle::Snort.
Twitter: mariamelee
November 16, 2009 at 9:55 am
@Grumble Girl, Hahaha, yes! Shiver. Girl you crack me up.
Hockey doesn’t do it for me, but this was hilarious. Also I’m totally sad you didn’t get to bang them.
Twitter: mariamelee
November 16, 2009 at 9:55 am
@MommyGeek, Meeeeeeee too.
I bet you’d like a live hockey game.
Twitter: MBonn
November 16, 2009 at 10:02 am
That happens to me all the time! Or at least as often as I’m (un)lucky enough to have dreams with hot guys hitting on me. I end up flirting and we’re all meant for each other and then *BOOM* my dream self remembers oh wait, you’re married – NONE FOR YOU! Not even kisses. And I totally dreamt about hockey players last night. ANd when I tell my husband? He laughs. Then he says that doesn’t happen to him. Well thanks. If only I could send a message to my dream self telling her it’s really okay if we cheat on him in our dreams because apparently his dream self has no such built in cockblocking feature. Ugh.
Twitter: Bellbell
November 16, 2009 at 10:03 am
I have dreams like that all the time! Some good looking, interesting guy will be hitting on me, and all I can think is “What’s going on, what are you doing, you have a BOYFRIEND.”
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 16, 2009 at 10:15 am
I married a hockey player, so I get to have the dreams and the real life.
Except he’s not tall, and I’m cool with that. You know, because that size doesn’t matter.
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
November 16, 2009 at 10:20 am
Any dream where you DON’T seal the deal and wake up all frustrated is a BAD dream in my book
Twitter: claritychaos
November 16, 2009 at 10:31 am
Maria – this is hilarious. This actually happens to me all the time – the dream is going great and then this little nagging feeling builds until DREAM ME remembers YOU’RE MARRIED! AND YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND! And then there’s that conflicted feeling of really having wanted to seal the deal, and knowing you can just wake up and do it with your husband. ;)
Uhh…AMEN, SISTA! I am originally a Floridian and nothing gets me going more than Vinnie Lecavalier and the rest of the Lightning. There is something incredibly sexy about hockey players. I think it’s mostly because they show a lot of passion on the ice and well, um, we all know where that can lead!
Twitter: msmegan
November 16, 2009 at 10:54 am
So glad I’m not the only one who can’t follow through on the fantasy because even in my fantasies I’m married. What is THAT about?
I love this post. I live in Michigan and have been watching the Red Wings since I was twelve. I fell in love with a Russian hockey player and vowed to marry him…my dad even bought me tapes to learn the Russian language to increase my chances (I think he was looking to receive season tickets!) :) Alas, I did not marry him but I did marry someone who knows very well that my hockey player obsession will never die! :)
Who were your crushes, by the way?
Twitter: mariamelee
November 16, 2009 at 11:24 am
@Sarah, Hee. Way back, Rob DiMaio, Rob Zamuner, Alexander Selivanov and Enriche Ciccone. (I bet I’m butchering his name.)
More recently, Vinny LeCavlier and Martin St. Louis.
I totally wanted to marry a hockey player too. I’m in Florida, but my dad had me watching the Bruins since I was a little girl. I was so happy when we got our own team.
Twitter: Amy_Urquhart
November 16, 2009 at 11:26 am
You’d make a great Canadian, Maria. If we ever get together we can go to a game together!
Indeed, you’d make a great canadian… One of my biggest regrets with living in the Caribbean is that I don’t get to go to live games anymore. =(
But cockblocking yourself????? Shame on you =)
I know for a fact that men have no trouble dreaming of other woman WHILE in the act with us, soooooooo… why deprive ourselves from some good ol’ harmless fun??
Sadly, we’re not all tall. Nor have I ever had a broken nose but I was a goalie most of my playing days and we have better protection. Although during my 3 day stint as a minor leaguer I did get my steel face cage dented by a slap shot from the face off circle.
I love the post. Dec 5, Saturday night, we’re planning to go to the game. Perhaps we can meet there?
A guy made the mistake of taking me to an AHL game on the first date. By the end of the game, he was history and I was enamored both with the sport and the ENTIRE TEAM. My best friend and I too arrived early to watch practice, take eleventy-billion pictures and blush like assholes if anyone ever made eye contact.
I’m sorry you didn’t “hit that” in your dream. So unfair. ;)
Dude. Hilarious. The last time I had a dream about a hot guy that I would have loved to have ravaged in my subconscious, I also dropped the ball. I kept telling him, ‘I can’t. I married.’
WTF. I can be totally single in my dreams..ugh.
oh hahah heheeh I’m Canadian! Hockey Players are dime a dozen around here.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 16, 2009 at 4:58 pm
The ones with missing teeth are even sexier.
Twitter: kgseymour
November 18, 2009 at 9:02 am
I totally get this, on many levels. I went to Michigan State for two years before transferring to University of Florida (also an English major — holla!), and there was NOTHING better than going to those college hockey games and watching those mega hotties getting all physical and sweaty on the ice. You know, the ones with all their teeth, that is.
Also, the dreams. GAH. I’ve had a couple of those (one was about Heath Ledger before he died), and I make sure to let my husband know just what I gave up for him. HEATH LEDGER, you all. I should win an award. Or AT LEAST a cookie.
AMEN SISTER!!! I Loooooove me some hockey! Nothing better on a night of good hockey when my team wins than dragging hubby to the bedroom and having my way with him!
I love hockey.
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