On my way back from therapy today I saw an old woman at a bus stop and remembered going to lunch at my old job a few years back and seeing an old woman in the Publix parking lot. Actually, I only noticed her when she plastered herself against my window huffing and puffing and sweating and old and was like, “Please, please ma’am, I just need a ride across the street to catch my bus!”
Like any fucking idiot helpful citizen, I unlocked my door.
She crammed herself into my passenger seat, flooding the interior of my car with the cloying scent of old lady perfume and old lady sweat. I rolled my window down and drove out of the parking lot and she said, “Oh no honey, I need to go to the mall.”
The mall was like fifteen minutes away. Between Publix and the mall I figured out that she was trying to scam and/or steal my cell phone or kill me. So I pretended not to have a phone and tried to plan ahead for having to jump out of my own moving vehicle. (That’s what you do when you’re getting hijacked by an obese elderly woman, right?)
She told me that she needed some money. “I don’t have any money,” I lied. “I just bought this sandwich for my lunch with my credit card.”
“Stop at the ATM,” she suggested icily.
I pretended not to hear her. She asked me, repeatedly, for money. Told me about how she had a bunch of grandkids at home. Then she started dropping sinister hints about how her son would be waiting at the mall and how he was really going to need five or ten dollars from me.
The only thing that kept me from losing my wits entirely was being really embarrassed over being scammed and shaken down by an old woman in flip flops.
Eventually we got to the mall and she tried to sell me a bunch of Macy’s gift cards and I finally got her out of my car. I left her in the middle of the parking lot to keep from driving too close to any of the vehicles that I could only assume contained entire gangs. Then I drove back to work and tried to explain to my boss why I was almost an hour late.
Kids, do not offer rides to strangers, even if it’s hot outside and they’re limping and old and wearing endearingly vibrant house dresses.
- It's ok that I'm not ok.
- Magical Egyptian cat waxers. I mean cat lovers. I mean bank tellers.
- next time I dress up, I’m going full slork
- Rules of the Road
- Can I Get an Order of FAIL With That?
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: MommaIncredible
November 5, 2009 at 8:51 am
It’s a shame we’ve had to give up trusting old ladies….
Thanks for the morning giggle!
Twitter: dashoff
November 5, 2009 at 8:58 am
Entire gangs! Of old women ready to attack with their handbags!
Seriously, though, that’s unreal. I can’t stand people who try to take advantage of the kindness of strangers. They make the world such a sad place.
Twitter: Lori Floyd-Bruce
November 5, 2009 at 8:58 am
HYSTERICAL!! What is this world coming to??
YIKES!
hilarious!…and totally something that would happen to me. That’ll teach us to be nice to old people. Oh wait, last time I encountered an old person I told him I was going to whack his ass. So I guess I’m covered on that front. Carry on.
I don’t know the gun laws in FL, but –dammit– I’m buying you a gun!
Twitter: NonaNelson
November 5, 2009 at 10:17 am
You are a far nicer person than me. This cautionary tale reminds me that, sometimes, it’s OK to be a suspicious bitch that keeps on rolling.
Wow, that’s awful. I’m amazed at how often stuff like this happens, too. We had a guy try to get money from us a long time ago, and he got angry when we said no…he tried to grab our steering wheel and keep us from driving away. People are insane.
Pretty sure I would have taken a side trip to the police station. And if she would have complained I would have laughed evilly and said, “you’re in my ride now bitch.”
hahahahahaha!!!! About a month ago, another blogger wrote how guilty she felt for not giving a ride to an old lady who approached her in the supermarket parking lot for a ride home JUST ACROSS THE STREET!!!!!
I can only hope it was the same ride scam artist as yours. I’d hate to think there’s a gang of blue hairs out there plotting which supermarkets to hit!!!!!
Twitter: SillyJaime
November 5, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I’d like to say that I would have pulled over and told her to get her wrinkly old ass out of my car, but in reality I would have done the exact same thing you did. Out of embarrassment and shame.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:11 am
You are lucky to be alive. She could have killed you with her old lady stink.
Stinky old ladies? Ew. And this is why it’s imperative to keep a shiv in your glove compartment. (You are a VERY nice person to have even offered her a ride – when I get to be an old-kid, I’m gonna hang out in parking lots looking for you. I always need a ride somewhere.)
Twitter: claritychaos
November 6, 2009 at 4:49 pm
OK, now that was funny. Good thing she didn’t pull a knife on you!
Very funny story! But also kinda depressing…
My friend recently told me a similar (but more sinister) story that happened to her mom. Her mom was driving in her car one day, and an old lady flagged her down and asked for a lift down the hill to the bus stop. Old lady explained that she was going to a doctor’s appointment that would require 2 bus transfers and asked if my friend’s mom might drive her directly to the doctor’s office. My friend’s mom agreed (being the nice person that she is), and it was shortly thereafter that my friend’s mom noticed that the “old lady” had large, hairy hands. !!! It was actually a man disguised as an old woman!! My friend’s mom was obviously scared but didn’t panic or let on that she had realized it was a man… She was driving through town and stopped her car in the MIDDLE of a large intersection… she took the keys out of the ignition, opened the door, threw the keys on the ground and started running away from the car and yelling the the old woman was a man and was going to hurt her. The “old lady” took off running, but luckily some people ran after him and caught him…. turns out he was a suspect in several rape cases in the area. YIKES! So THIS is the thanks that my friend’s mom got for helping out an old lady???? Seriously, what is this world coming to?
I’m glad that your story had a happier ending!
holy crap!
i just got attact by an old lady 2 days ago.
she kicked my bike and i yell at her to stop, and she started threating to call the cops!!!!!!
{ 1 trackback }