My husband and I are competitive people. Thanksgiving is no time to slack off on our principles. (And by principles, I mean, proving that my mom’s Thanksgiving is way better than his mom’s.)
While most families will be sitting around a table, holding hands, saying grace and the things that they are grateful for, my husband will be noticing the rolls at my mom’s house are overcooked and I will be thinking snarky comments in my head about his mom’s untouched green liberal translation of an Ambrosia Salad.
Both of our families have Thanksgiving. Now, it would make far too much sense to alternate years/holidays spent with each family so, instead, each holiday, my husband and I play control-freak-my-family-is-better-than-yours-tug-of-war.
We go to his family’s house and we go to mine. Equal time for both. While at his mom’s – I’m the clock watcher… making sure to allow for drive time for an equilateral balanced stay at my mom’s. When we arrive at my mom’s house- his eyes fixate on the stop watch.
After 15 years, I’m confident that this is how it will go…
10:30- leave for his mom’s. It’s about a half an hour drive and he INSISTS on getting there early in his aim for fairness sake.
11:00- Mother in law’s head will start bubbling because we are there too early and food is not ready yet. My husband will say how great the house looks and how good the food smells- to break the tension. We will explain that we are there early to visit and ask if we can help (I will actually mean it- my husband will not.) Help will be refused. I will scour through Black Friday Ads. My husband will complain that we have no money to shop. Yet, on Christmas morning, he will expect a large deposit of junk from Santa under our tree!
11:30- My kids and husband will graze around the chips and dips and desserts.
12:00- My kids will have eaten 2 Supersized bags of Doritos and a pre-packaged box of sugar cookies with decorative icing of a turkey. They will have no room for food with any nutritional content. They will not be allowed to breathe near me because of their Dorito breath. They will be rushed to the sink to try and scrub off the orange stain from their fingertips. It will not come off.
12:30- We eat.
1:30- We will eat some more.
2:30- We will eat dessert.
3:00- My husband will start getting the ‘warning looks” from me. My eyes will scream, “start wrapping it up, big boy.”
3:30-I put on coats as my subtle last minute hint and say thank you as I head toward the door. In a last stitch effort to extend his time, my husband will make a Chinet plate “to go” and loosely cover it with aluminum foil and it will stay in our car for the next 4 hours. (Sidenote: that night when he gets an upset stomach, something my mom cooked will be the culprit- not the bacteria breeding ground that was his leftover plate that sat in the car cultivating for 4 hours.)
4:00- we arrive at my mom’s for Round 2. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Unbutton the pants.
7:50- my husband: “You about ready?” That’s code for time’s up.
8:00-When we get home, while in our tryptophan and diabetic comas, the next stage of the game begins… the competition segment…
Whose turkey was better? I say- they’re both good, but his mom does not make gravy. (I know, right?) The first year I was at his parent’s house, I was like wha? No starch thickened lard to pour over my entire plate?? Who are these people? So, I give the edge to my mom because, duh, she puts bacon grease in the gravy. And he gives the points to his mom, he’s a purist. My mom-1 His mom -1
Stuffing- His mom does ‘real’ dressing… stuffing the turkey cavity with bread crumbs- they have a good flavor, but she uses too many onions (I fake an onion allergy in restaurants because I hate them that much.) My mom gets my vote with a box of Stove Top Stuffing. And, surprise, his mom gets his vote.
My mom-2 His mom- 2
Mashed potatoes - My mom has lumpy goodness and gets both votes on the scorecard (not to mention-hello… GRAVY! ) My mom- 4 His mom – 2
Green bean casserole- This is a recent addition to the line-up for my mom, at my request. My mom doesn’t like them and thus makes them like crap- not adding enough pepper! His mom knocks it out of the park in this category.
My mom- 4 His mom – 4
Due to the tie, I will make an executive decision that the winner of the night will be… my step dad…who will greet me at the door with a bottomless glass of wine.
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
This is one of the reasons why I’m glad my husband doesn’t speak to his mother. Only one stop on holidays.
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm
@La Vida Lori, you are so very lucky!
Trust me on this one: alternating houses each year will NOT alleviate the score keeping. I know.
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:04 pm
@Jen, it doesn’t matter- we’re always right, anyway, right?
No gravy?? Sorry – that was the deal breaker.. it is obvious your mother is the all around winner. Hands down.
My MIL doesn’t make stuffing. She calls it wet bread and won’t have it in her home. WTF? Won’t have it in her home?? They live FAR AWAY so I don’t have to worry about more than once a year.. and never on thanksgiving.
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:05 pm
@The Good Cook, wow- won’t have it in her home? She makes it sound like a rodent? My theory is that she can’t make it right.
No Gravy?! Thats not right. There is no way she could ever win. EVER.
Happy Thanksgiving Tena!
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:06 pm
@Denise, thank you- it’s the cornerstone!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:06 pm
@Allison, hope you have great one, too!
How about this for great family togetherness. I take my kiddo to my moms house while hubby goes to his moms. The in-laws live next door so it’s not like we don’t see them EVERYDAY! And I don’t like my MIL’s food. My mom is the best. And hubby agrees cuz he makes me swear that I’ll bring him a plate of food home. That how a close family spends the holiday. Take notes.
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:08 pm
@Tiffany, How I wish my husband would agree to that, but he’s all control freaky about the kids seeing everyone… and also I can monitor them bad talking about me.
No gravy? That’s un-American. The pilgrims would be so ashamed.
I do the same thing, except I’m not quite bold enough to put down his mother in any way, shape or form. I’ll just do the passive agressive comment thing — “It was good, but the [insert thanksgiving food] had too much [insert seasoning type] for my taste.”
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:09 pm
@Amanda Austin, Passive aggressive and in laws go hand in hand- good call.
No gravy?!! Get the fuck outta here? Who IS that woman?
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:10 pm
@TheKitchenWitch, I know, right? I want my arteries to block up on that one day- it’s only right!
No Gravy!!!! It’s not Thanksgiving without the gravy! How are you supposed to mask the over cooked, dry turkey without gravy?
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:10 pm
@Stephanie, that’s exactly my thought. I have to admit- my MIL turkey is not dry, but the potatoes could use the gravy.
Kudos to your Step Father with the Wine! Happy Turkey Day!
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:11 pm
@AmyLK, yes, I’m sure his wine fridge is working overtime, as we speak, getting ready for me. You have a good one, too!
Good luck – sounds busy! Happy Thanksgiving!!
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm
@Jamie, it’s too busy- I blame my tiredness on the trytophan, but it’s the constant running and possibly the spike in blood sugar, but mostly the running.
Oh I love it! And seriously? No gravy?? That would be the deal breaker for me :)
Enjoy it tomorrow! Happy Thanksgiving!
Twitter: tenakim
November 25, 2009 at 11:14 pm
@Corinne, I’m so glad ya’ll are with me on the gravy thing- I thought that my family (with extreme cardiac issues) had raised me wrong- I now know better! Gravy=love.
I went through this with my first husband’s family. mulitply the complexity by him also having two sets of grandparents nearby as well. His parents would be at one or the other of their parents, but that still left an unaccounted for set of GP’s. So, 3 houses per holiday, and all of them (except my parents) whiny about seeing the babies. Even though, on the his side vs. my side thing, my parents were definately losing out.
My second husband’s family lives overseas.
No gravy?? WTF?! Your mum wins. The End.
Happy Thanksgiving, lady!
Not that anyone’s counting. :)
Generally I don
NO GRAVY AT THANKSGIVING DINNER?!?!?! I’m sorry but your mil is a communist or a terrorist or something. The point of having turkey AND potatoes AND stuffing is to have variety in what holds up your gravy. I do try to stick to my diet during the holidays (I subscribe to the one rule diet during the holidays: gravy is not a beverage) So although I don’t drink it from a glass, I still must have gravy and lots of it or it just isn’t a holiday.
Not trying to be a bitch – really, I’m not. But as the mom/(soon to be)mom-in-law who spent countless hours, preparing, planning, shopping, cooking and serving…how about if you do the Thanksgiving meal next year and invite both sides of the family to your house? It ain’t as easy as you might think! I fondly remember the days when my own mother did all of the above and all we had to do was *show up and eat! And maybe help clean up the mess. SO MUCH easier in those days!
Twitter: tenakim
November 28, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@Jae, In my defense, I’d like to say I BEGGED my in laws to come to MY house for the first 10 years we were married (my family would glady come) as I have OCD and would actually LOVE to do all the cooking and cleaning. My mother in law LOVES to have the control of having people at her house and is slightly a hermit (has only left the house to go grocery shopping for the last 20 years)… We are an odd situation, but I would much rather have the stress of having it at my house- I’m not cutting what hosts do AT ALL!
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
November 28, 2009 at 2:07 am
Tena, this is the funniest Thanksgiving post I’ve read all week. Not that I can relate or anything. No. Not at all ;)
Twitter: mamaspohr
November 28, 2009 at 2:13 am
DUDE. No gravy is a freaking SIN. So is not having a sense of humor. COUGH COUGH.
Tena, thanks for the reply. Geez, I am really sorry you’re in that situation then. And honestly, I wasn’t trying to be bitchy. Although my sense of humor *may* have been lacking when I posted that because I was worn slam out! Love the writing here though – and yes – your post WAS funny. Funnier now that I’ve had some rest! My apologies. :)
Am thinking of Annisa and her family.
Hello there, I’ve just started up a website and in the middle of making somewhat varied content. Would you mind if I write something about this? Of course I will give you and this post full credit.
I loved this post! I had no idea that some families actually bought packaged dinners and supplemented them with their own side dishes until I spent a holiday at the in laws. Due to distance we alternate holidays. I have found that I have distinct likes/ dislikes about each side now and I’m glad for the variety.
But, when it comes to the cooking, my mom kicks all other moms off the map. No contest. Husband doesn’t even try to compete on this one.
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