I have to admit, I know my way around a kitchen.
I didn’t just gain 40 lbs since high school eating California Chicken sandwiches and unlimited steak fries with extra seasoning from Red Robin- although that certainly could have had something to do with it- that shit gets expensive and I like food, so I had to figure out how to cook.
I used to cook a lot.
Then I got lazy and my kids got picky and it became the lesser of two evils just to make a frozen pizza.
Now, I’m trying to… wait for it… eat right and budget- fuckity fuck, right?
So, last week at the grocery store, there was a good deal on a whole chicken.
This morning, I decided to make that chicken- still frozen, because thawing that chicken would have taken some thought and effort and pre-planning.
The frozen bag of gizzards was still inside.
Why? Why the gizzards? Gnarly guts, testicles, intestines, belly buttons, taints- who knows what’s in that bag? Fair warning- if you tell me you eat them or ‘use them in a soup’ or bury it under a tree for good luck next to your placenta, I haven’t had a carb in 8 days and cannot be held responsible for what I might do.
Now I bet you’re thinking I forgot to take the bag out and cooked it in, you would be wrong- I know better and made that mistake about 15 years ago- fool me once- fucking chicken!
If you’re keeping score that’s Tena- 1 Chicken- 2
I spent the last hour wrestling that hunk of slippery salmonella to get that frozen bag of gnads out. Seriously broke a sweat. And a spoon. And a couple of nails.
But who’s laughing now? For the win!
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
OH! OHHHH! OHHHHHHH! That’s SO NASTY! And it’s also the reason I’ve never in my life cooked a whole chicken. I just can’t deal with innards of any kind—but props to you and your crack gizzard-getting skills for prevailing!
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 12:55 pm
@Janet,
I know- it was my goal to gross everyone out this morning!
this is why I buy chicken breast or the already cooked rotisserie ones. I DO NOT do guts of any kind.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 12:52 pm
@Jen, good call- guts are over-rated!
That is soooo funny… I HATE that sack of shit inside the bird. I mean, really. NOT NECESSARY butcherman! My son spied a bag of entrails once, and wondered if it was a gift. I told him he could have it. He nearly threw up on the floor when I showed him what was inside it, natch. I don’t think I’ve ever even pretended to even WANT to cook up that bag-o-bits. No thanks. And thanks to our city’s composting efforts, I have to stare at if for a few days in the compost trashcan, where it rots, mocking me. Ack. Balls. Foul.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@Grumble Girl, thank God- I thought I may have been the only one not recycling my gizzards.
Twitter: LovinStilettos
November 16, 2009 at 9:44 am
OMG gross. That’s why I don’t cook! LOL
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 1:01 pm
@Michelle, the chicken was good, though, if that’s any consolation.
You had me at fuckity-fuck, but those guts look disgusting. We don’t give cooking lovers enough credit.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 1:03 pm
@Junket, dieting and being broke are the ultimate fuckity-fuck. Thanks for the appreciation.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 16, 2009 at 12:01 pm
This, among many other reasons, is why I don’t cook.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 1:08 pm
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Wha? You don’t like fingernails in your roasted chicken? Snob.
Seriously, why do they put that in there? Does anyone actually use it anymore?
(~~shudders at childhood memories of lifting the lid of a simmering pot expecting to find tomato soup, but finding foaming gizzards instead ~~)
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 1:09 pm
@Kootnygirl, EEK! That’s nearly as scarring as catching your parents doing it! Almost.
if you run a little warm water down in there it will thaw that bag out pretty quick and you’ll save yourself some sanity and maybe a spoon or two :)
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 1:11 pm
@Melisa, It was frozen solid. I ran water in it the whole time- making it even more of a struggle to hold the damn thing still. Too bad I don’t vlog- probably would have been a sight!
OMG!!! I think I just went vegan.
I want my mommy.
*shudder* Gooshy gopher guts inside a chicken….and you expect a person to cook it AND eat it?????
Just. Not. Right.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 5:10 pm
@bj, I was thinking this might promote some vegetarians
Tena I love your guts. Yours not the birds.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@Olive Cooper, thanks, I think.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. However, I am cracking up picturing this.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@Allison, it was a fight to the end.
I know some people cook them for the gravy or Cat food but I’m just giving the bird a bath long enough to get that bag out of there and out to the curb!
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@kyooty, eww- cat food?
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Ok I am gonna be honest, that picture kinda makes me wanna vomit.
Twitter: tenakim
November 16, 2009 at 5:11 pm
@Brittany, I’m gonna be honest- I had to really show some self control on my gag reflex during this, too