When we moved into this house, there were three of us and one was still in diapers. Buying an overpriced 2/1 in the city seemed like a perfectly NOT stupid idea. Well, another potty-trained kid later, I’m thinking it was the stupidest thing I EVER lobbied for in my life. We’re cramped, property values have shit the bed and we’ve become those people who have tons of brightly colored kid junk in their carport. Yes, I said carport. It’s a Florida thing…also know as “the option commonly chosen by people too cheap to spring for actual garages when they built their houses fifty friggin’ years ago”
It also seems we’ve become old appliance hoarders (which really means we’re just one Ford F150 bench seat-on-the-front-porch away from whitetrashville). See, when the refrigerator that came with the house started acting up, we just bought another one. I was all set to start investigating appliance removal services when my husband insisted he had plans for the old one.
Plans? PLANS? What kind of PLANS?
And it was relegated to the back porch where it has sat for a good couple years. YEARS, people. I’ve actually become used to it and it hardly strikes me as weird anymore.
But then last month, THE DAY before I was leaving for a week to go do fun things with my Aiming Low chicas, I noticed my current refrigerator was NOT COLD. My ice cream? NOT FROZEN. The week’s worth of groceries I just bought? Destined to SPOIL.
It’s was 4:30pm. I called the big box stores and nothing could be delivered that day. No way. No how. I was so desperate I considered offering a blow job but I thought my husband might frown on that. So…I ended up going to used appliance place about five minutes away, buying what seems to be a nice refrigerator and having it delivered within the hour. Without resorting to oral sex. WIN.
The only problem is that when I came back from said trip, my old refrigerator? Is tucked away in a corner of my great room which, trust me, ain’t that great (read: NOT big) As of this writing, it’s been there for ohhhh…almost three weeks. I have a feeling I’ll be getting used to this one, too, which is a scary thought.
I mean WHEN did I become this way? When did I become OKAY with a shit ton of Little Tykes crap in my carport and a tarp covering the leak on my roof and yelling “Shut the fuck up!” at my new neighbors’ stupid dogs at regular intervals and having not one but TWO spare refrigerators masquerading as decorative elements?
Is there a reality show for this sort of thing? Some kind of white trash intervention drama? Because if there isn’t?
THERE SHOULD BE.