Is There an App for This? No? How About a Reality TV Show?

janetWhen we moved into this house, there were three of us and one was still in diapers. Buying an overpriced 2/1 in the city seemed like a perfectly NOT stupid idea. Well, another potty-trained kid later, I’m thinking it was the stupidest thing I EVER lobbied for in my life. We’re cramped, property values have shit the bed and we’ve become those people who have tons of brightly colored kid junk in their carport. Yes, I said carport. It’s a Florida thing…also know as “the option commonly chosen by people too cheap to spring for actual garages when they built their houses fifty friggin’ years ago”

It also seems we’ve become old appliance hoarders (which really means we’re just one Ford F150 bench seat-on-the-front-porch away from whitetrashville). See, when the refrigerator that came with the house started acting up, we just bought another one. I was all set to start investigating appliance removal services when my husband insisted he had plans for the old one.

Plans? PLANS? What kind of PLANS?

And it was relegated to the back porch where it has sat for a good couple years. YEARS, people. I’ve actually become used to it and it hardly strikes me as weird anymore.

But then last month, THE DAY before I was leaving for a week to go do fun things with my Aiming Low chicas, I noticed my current refrigerator was NOT COLD. My ice cream? NOT FROZEN. The week’s worth of groceries I just bought? Destined to SPOIL.

It’s was 4:30pm. I called the big box stores and nothing could be delivered that day. No way. No how. I was so desperate I considered offering a blow job but I thought my husband might frown on that. So…I ended up going to  used appliance place about five minutes away, buying what seems to be a nice refrigerator and having it delivered within the hour. Without resorting to oral sex. WIN.

The only problem is that when I came back from said trip, my old refrigerator? Is tucked away in a corner of my great room which, trust me, ain’t that great (read: NOT big) As of this writing, it’s been there for ohhhh…almost three weeks. I have a feeling I’ll be getting used to this one, too, which is a scary thought.

I mean WHEN did I become this way? When did I become OKAY with a shit ton of Little Tykes crap in my carport and a tarp covering the leak on my roof and yelling “Shut the fuck up!” at my new neighbors’ stupid dogs at regular intervals and having not one but TWO spare refrigerators masquerading as decorative elements?

Is there a reality show for this sort of thing? Some kind of white trash intervention drama? Because if there isn’t?

THERE SHOULD BE.

About IzzyMom

IzzyMom really likes cookies, taking pictures, judicious use of the F word, kitties, made-for-cable shows about vampires and serial killers and her husband and two kids. She does not like mean people, cooking, cleaning, pointy shoes or being interrupted when coding.

Comments

  1. While I wouldn’t full on panic until at least one of those appliances is actually up on bricks on the front yard, I’d say two fridges in the carport screams “hard core beer drinkers”.

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  2. Assertagirl says:

    Katie’s right, as long as there aren’t stacks of empties surrounding said appliances you’re still in the clear.

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  3. fidget says:

    only 2 dead appliances? In my neighborhood you’d be considered high falutin’

  4. As a fellow Floridian (who wishes she weren’t), I hear you. My carport was converted into a garage, which means it’s a piece of crap wooden structure that really can’t withstand hurricanes, ants, or cockroach infestations.
    We have a lovely, 20 year-old fridge in our garage that uses more electricity than my a/c.
    And to boot, my husband has now stacked a portable a/c unit at the front of my garage. We have jalousie windows (if you’re in Florida, you know what I mean), so I’m not sure why he thought taking his friend’s old window a/c unit was a good idea!
    I’m convinced, it’s a Florida thing. My friend has 2 extra fridges in her garage. My neighbor has his toolbench on the side of his house, just so that we can all hear his electric sanding and sawing at full-volume.
    I think our reality show should be titled, “Florida–We Were Never Meant to Live in this Swamp.”

    • IzzyMom says:

      @Melanie at Parenting Ink,

      Ahhh, yes…the ants, the palmetto bugs (for the uninitiated—giant flying cockroaches ), the charming jalousie windows and of course…THE CARPORTS. You’re no poseur—you DEFINITELY live here. My condolences from another swamp-dwelling hater :)

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  5. Grumble Girl says:

    Oh my god, the people from HOARDERS are gonna come to your door, girl! You make me giggle… okay, you make me snort coke OUT my nose. So sorry for your agro though. Suck.

  6. Diane says:

    Floridian here. I think we are all living the same HUMID GROSS CARPORT-SPORTING lifestyle.

    Just. I feel you. On the house losing value, yelling at the neighbor’s dog … ALL OF IT.

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  7. Apryl's Antics says:

    Do they match? Maybe you could use them for storage–like unique nightstands on either side of the bed? Just move up here to Georgia. We keep all of our old appliances in our yards.

  8. Olive Cooper says:

    I live in a pre-civil war house with a huge central hallway. My new gas stove sat in this hallway for four months. My hubs worked for a gas company for coons years but just couldn’t get around to installing said stove.

  9. kyooty says:

    pay the 20.00 to have it carted away by the people delivering the NEW appliance, it’s SO worth it. I got a dishwasher on Friday, OLD dishwasher gone!

  10. Sounds like my husband may be your husbands brother from another mother! if you could see my house right now. i acrtually just leave the toys in the yard because all the neighborhood kids come and play with them anyways…thats a good reason right?

  11. Are you sure we’re not married to the same man? Because I have an old toilet sitting in my driveway that just won’t go away, even though that’s clearly the husband’s job.
    I think a whitetrash intervetion reality show is brilliant. Where do I sign up?

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  12. Alan Aimer says:

    Too late now but a lot of big box stores will take away the old appliance while delivering the new one.

    Glad you mentioned fridges. As far as keeping the food fresh and stop cross-contamination of odors use MultiFresh Natural Deodorizer. They work everywhere and last a lifetime. Here’s my blurb.

    Multifresh Natural Deodorizer at http://www.multifreshnaturaldeodorizer.com

    First things first. I am the distributor for this product. That being said, it is one of the most amazing products you will ever see. It is a box (recycled) of a volcanic material called ignimbrite.

    “MultiFresh is composed of one of the only known negatively charged minerals in existence. Negative ions are nature’s most powerful air-cleansing agent.

    There is nothing in the world more effective in eliminating allergens and odors from the air we breathe.

    Negative ions are created by nature, and are found at their most abundant levels where the air is most pure and healthy. These places typically include in the mountains, near waterfalls, where lightning has just struck, or by an ocean shore next to crashing waves

    Most floating contaminates such as odors and allergens are positively charged, and of course, negative ions are negatively charged. In environments where high densities of negative ions exist, they are able to reverse the charge of floating contaminates to a negative charge.

    This results in a magnetic attraction among the floating pollutants in the air, causing them to aggregate, or “neutralize” one another.

    Don’t pay hundreds of dollars for expensive ion generators that utilize the same technology as All-Natural MultiFresh.”

    The website has a couple of testimonials from green bloggers. You can also see the “Where to use It” section and more info in “How It Works”.

    Alan Aimer

  13. motherofbun says:

    I feel ya. We had hubby’s old truck parked on the street by our house. He refused to trade it in years ago. He’d planned to fix it up and sell himself so we’d make more money. Blah, blah. But he didn’t and it sat and I got tired of fighting about it.

    But then a neighbor came by this summer to rip on another neighbor. She listed the reasons why other neighbors were trashy. She threw in stuff about their vehicles looking so cruddy. And it was a OBVIOUS hint. So I ended up donated vehicle to charity.

    What’s sad is that there’s a second vehicle! (I know!) Because he refused to trade that car in to. He has plans… He will fix it up so we can sell to make more money. blah blah. At least this one is hiding in the garage. ;-)

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] a peek behind the veil? Want to see how I REALLY live? Go here… [...]

  2. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mommy Melee, The Caffeinatrix and Laurin Evans, Assertagirl. Assertagirl said: @TheCaffeinatrix is hoarding refrigerators. She needs an intervention STAT. http://bit.ly/1GKfAq #aiminglow [...]

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