My house is messy.
My boys are needy, OMG MAWWWWWWM, GET ME STUFFS, ANY STUFFS, NOWWWWWW, WAIT HALP! THERE IS POOP ON MY FOOT, SOMEONE POOPED ON MEEEE, WHERE ARE MINE LEGOS, WHY DO YOU HAAAATE ME, MAKE ME A CHOCOLATE SAMMICH WITH THE HEADS OF NEWBORN KITTEHS INSIDE
The baby, she is using my nipples as a chew toy.
The dog wants to eat almost every day.
And, for some reason, my husband wants to have sex with me, even though my hair is greasy and I smell like an old Reuben sandwich.
Soooo….it’s hard for me to concentrate and write a post that looks like, well, a post, and not like a Chinese take out menu.
Which is about the only thing I can handle these days, literature wise.
However, I have so much to GET OUT.
So, sigh, I am going to make a list. In the classy fashion of my beloved local Chinese take out place, Ko’s Garden.
3B. Mongolian Beef: I think there should be just one day where Britney Spears is forced to remove all her hair extensions, so we can all see how long her hair is now. I mean, she shaved her head bald and poked at shit with umbrellas, you can’t tell me you aren’t curious.
14C. Chicken with Cashews: They’re twitter lists, people. Not Schindler’s list. Let’s all settle down and get some perspective.
6C. Chicken Lo Mein: I found out in the McDonald’s drive-through, where I went to order a vanilla milkshake with fries to dip in it because I was having a day, my driver’s side window will not go down anymore. WHY DON’T YOU JUST CUT OFF MY ARMS FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
9B: Szechuan Beef: Thanks to breastfeeding, I have successfully avoided my period since June 2008. I thought for sure I would get off the plane, meet up with the Aiming Low girls, my ovaries will smell their ovaries, and be all fuck this postpartum break, menses in the hizzy! But they didn’t. I win.
2S: Sweet and Sour Shrimp: Also…I once used one of those tiny diapers that come on Cabbage Patch dolls as a maxi pad. I was out. And desperate.
17B Green Pepper Steak: New Moon comes out in 11 days. I am going to the midnight showing. I will be wearing two pairs of underpants.
A3 Fried Dumplings: I got nothing. I just really like fried dumplings.
- What the Hell Does Aiming Low Mean?
- Fashion Plate- and now I'm thinking about food.
- Drink WIN Drink FAIL
- The Rules According to Meghan
- And I'm a little bit angry.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
mmmmmmm… fried dumplings.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:25 pm
@kimmad, I know. I should have married an Asian man. This irish guy I live with is USELESS in the kitchen.
Twitter: AmazingGreis
November 10, 2009 at 8:47 am
Yummmmmmm – Mongolian Beef and McDonald’s fries dipped in Milkshakes. Now I’m totally hungry.
YAYE for NEW MOON!!!! I, too, will be at the midnight showing. CAN.NOT.WAIT!!!
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:11 pm
@AmazingGreis, I would eat anything that had mongolian sauce on it. Which I have decided not to say out loud, because next thing I know, BOOM, my husband will be covering his private parts in it.
Twitter: AmazingGreis
November 10, 2009 at 1:27 pm
@Brittany, wow, yeah I’m sure he would be all over that. LMAO
My son called out from the bathroom yesterday: Mama…will poop stain the floor?
And this is my life.
So, chinese take out, no menses, and a husband with a perma-boner I can’t possibly understand…yeah, I’m with you.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:15 pm
@AJ, HAHAHA! Ok, so…poop DOESN’T stain, right?
Oh lordy, girl. I’m in the soup too, only I TOTALLY have my menses, plus 2 sick kids at home, sneezing in my face and licking me on the eyeball… I cannot WAIT for New Moon in a few days – oh my GOD, vampires are so freaking sessy! (two pairs of panties – heh…) and I think we should just walk over to the McDonalds and kick the fucking door in if they don’t give us our fried treats. I’m as serious at the heart attack I’m sure to have in a few years.
And if my husband thinks he’s coming near me with his hard peen BEFORE he gets the big “schnip” he is crazy, and I might actually have to kill him.
Good morning, all…
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:17 pm
@Grumble Girl, I think McDonald’s should be my official sponsor. Nothing says Christmas like getting a large eggnog shake, a large fry, and drive around singing carols from the radio super loud and off key.
Sigh….I am SO sentimental.
This is perhaps one of my most favourite posts from you ever!!!! HILARIOUS OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! You are the best.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:18 pm
@Loukia, LOUKIA! Thank you! You are the ultimate boost to my self esteem!
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 10, 2009 at 10:38 am
I’ll have the 14C. Chicken with Cashews and the 9B: Szechuan Beef (extra spicy menses), please.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], Super secret pizza parties must be replaced by super secret chinese food parties.
OMG we are soul mates. I get milkshakes with fries for dipping all. the. time. People here do not get it, at all.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@jenbshaw, Listen, I think we need to start seriously considering matching charm bracelets.
OMG. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.
9B? Hee-Lay-Ree-Us
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:22 pm
@Sincerely, Jenni, OMG if I jinxed myself and get my period today, I will be PISSED.
Twitter: poobou
November 10, 2009 at 10:56 am
“Menses in the hizzy” made me snort out loud. Really.
Twitter: barefootfoodie
November 10, 2009 at 1:23 pm
@cindy w, The kids still say hizzy, right?
Twitter: SillyJaime
November 10, 2009 at 1:39 pm
My sister and I are going to the midnight showing as well. We are SO EXCITED for New Moon!!!!!
Also do you watch Grey’s Anatomy? ‘Cause the other week Lexipedia wore a diaper in surgery so she wouldn’t have to leave the room. Because she’s that bad ass.
I really must stop reading your posts at work. It is so hard to look productive when I’m laughing and falling of the chair. Plus it makes me look drunk. And drunk does not equal professional.
great now I’m craving Chinese takeout.
1. I am ALWAYS craving Chinese takeout. 2. Hooray for breastfeeding (although you and I both know it’s sub par birth control…) 3. Your kids and my kids both like baby kitten-head sandwiches. Cool. 4. My kid was diagnosed with scarlet fucking fever (who the hell gets that?) this morning. AFTER I sent him to daycare. And now, I may be dealing with a house full of strep. Awesome. Bring on the milkshakes and fries. And wine. And chocolate. NOW.
Try giving the baby the dog’s chew toy and give the dog the dinner your kids refuse to eat. Everybody wins.
@Kami, Sub-par birth control at best??? Try at worst: I breastfed all 5 of my kids which extended through all four
of the last pregnancies. *sigh* Thank GOD I had a fibroid
the size of Guatemala so that I could have that damned
hysterectomy. Now when I’m craving Chinese it’s cuz I’m
hungry! @Brittany-usually it was ME shouting about poop
on my leg because someone’s diaper had leaked. I actually
miss those days now: 3 of my 5 are now teenagers. SEND HELP!
(AND MOO GOO GAI PAN!)
This is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Bahahahaaaaaa
Twitter: alimartell
November 10, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I almost choked on the Schindler’s list thing – - -because someone was just saying to me the other day that she wanted to make a twitter list called Schindler’s just for shits and giggles…but didn’t know what people would think of that…but now I know that you would laugh. and that makes me happy.
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
November 10, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Forget the spare underwear. I’ve tried it. Doesn’t work. The tube sock, as previously discussed, is infinitely useful for any number of occasions. Yes, this is intentionally cryptic, people. I’m not giving up ALL my secrets here in a freakin’ COMMENT. Geez.
Seriously, you are my favorite! I want to make love to you. That kind of favorite. Not sex. Not fucking. LOVE. I want to make love to you!
Twitter: motherbumper
November 11, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I’ll take a double order of 14C, I’m glad for 9B (I went 34 months – HUZZAH) and now I’m craving A3.
Menses in the hizzy.
I think I love you.
Also because I have an unhealthy relationship with Twilight as well.
Twitter: modernsupermom
November 12, 2009 at 11:58 am
Oh Brittany, how I’ve missed you!
I’ve been sucked into a world of newbornness and lost track of my connections with the outside world. I’m spending the time I should be working tracking your entries since my burrowing into a hole of diapers, spitup, crying – oh and baby stuff too.
I think all celebs should register a non-weave day each year. Tyra did it, why can’t anyone else! It’ll make me more comfortable that each time I grow an inch of hair, I have to cut off 1 1/2 inches worth of split ends. Especially now that I’m doing the postpardom shed-your-hair-like-leaves-off-a-tree stage…
Thanks for the laughs – and non-googoo thoughts!!
YOU.ARE.AWESOME!
Stumbled this way and laughed so hard at this line: I thought for sure I would get off the plane, meet up with the Aiming Low girls, my ovaries will smell their ovaries, and be all fuck this postpartum break, menses in the hizzy! But they didn’t. I win.
HAHAHAHHAA!!! (PS: Breastfeeding for 2.5 years + Mirena =3.5+ year break. Yay me!) ;)
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