It’s not that I fear public speaking per se, no, it’s that I fear public speaking when I have nothing prepared. I am a preparer by nature (and I would totally make a great girl scout. Why are you laughing? I have seen Troop Beverly Hills 8,047 times. So I am an expert.) so when I have something written out, I am calm, cool, and collected. My 8th grade valedictory speech and my bat mitzvah speech and my 11th grade class president campaign speech went swimmingly. Awesome, even.

But, um, that time…at my sister’s wedding. In 2002. The year I decided to get pregnant for the second time. And coincidentally, the same year my sister AND my brother decided to get married. Lucky me. Pregnant at TWO siblings weddings in the same summer. (yes, I’m still bitter) and for my sister’s, lucky me, I got crowned slapped in the face with the title of “matron of honor” which denotes a certain whale-ish and old-ish image right there now, doesn’t it? so, being 5 months pregnant didn’t help things. at all.

And you know what the Matron of Honor does, right?

GIVES A SPEECH.

And guess who didn’t get told of this rule that everyone is supposed to know??! oh, yeah, that would be ME. So, days before the wedding, when I was finally informed that I – along with my giant body – would be speaking, I did what any smart person would do…and said this, out loud…

“Pshaw! Who needs to prepare?? I can totally just WING THIS SHIT!”

So, I got up completely unprepared. And while trying to hold my dress up over my gigantenormous bosoomas and trying not to look at all the eyes staring at me, I started rambling. About how much I love my sister. Because she’s awesome. (I’m sure I used that word once or 40 times) Because she stayed with me when my grandparents LEFT me in a McDonald’s parking lot because I slammed my hand down on a ketchup packet and watched and laughed as it sprayed all over the people beside us (true story). and then it got WORSE. and then? EVEN WORSE.

And then I started crying. Nay, I was bawling. And had to be taken off the stage.

I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

And this is what I though of just minutes before I had to get up and speak at Aiming Low’s HP party in NYC.

You can ask the people who were with me. I was nauseated. I was forcing people around me to find me some tums and rolaids and other lovely, lovely antacids. I was forcing people to get me water. I thought I was going to faint.

BUT, in a panic, I grabbed my camera and I did this:

and then nailed it.

You’re welcome.  See? I’m such a giver….I even share my public speaking tricks with you.  Here’s hoping that if my baby brother ever gets his act together and gets married that he totally asks me to speak at the wedding. (well, assuming that he doesn’t watch my sister’s wedding video. EVER)