I am the proud owner of two verrrry cute kittehs!
Cute until you get within ten feet of their litter box. And then? They are just like every other beast of the wild that should be left to poop in the great outdoors.
But, I am a good pet owner….I clean that damn litter box, I sift through the pebbles, mining for dubious treasures. MEH.
The two cats sit at my side. Batting at me with their paws, trying to stick their heads into the trash bag as if to say “HEY!!! That’s my poops!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I worked hard on that.”
Oh yeah.
It’s all adorable and cuddly until she knocks the scooper out of your hand and cat shit lands in your cleavage. <insert colorful and inventive cursing HERE>
Then? It’s back to #EatKittensFriday.
I love my cats, though, so I put up with this daily torturous ritual. 
Unable to fathom WHY it’s so important to take a piss .0005 seconds after I’ve just made the litter box and nice and tidy.
AND THEN.
Our master bath toilet seat went kaput.
My husband came home from the store with this look of utter glee on his face. Seriously? Over a toilet seat? Is it possible for anyone to get excited over an object you’re going to do your nastiest business with?
Apparently, not only is it, in fact, possible…it’s a ritualistic trait known to all animal-kind…cats and humans alike.
Because as soon as my husband attached the new toilet seat, with it’s specially curved back and *whisper* hinge (which means NO more child-slamming of the toilet seat at 5:00 AM, when they have their own damn bathrooms they COULD be using!!), I felt the urge.
I HAD TO GO!
I HAD TO TRY OUT THE NEW TOILET SEAT. NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!!
I test drove the new toilet seat.
I admired all it’s wonderful toilet-seat-ness.
It was, like, the best pee E.V.E.R.
And then I looked up and saw both cats sitting in the doorway.
Smirking at me.
Damn them.
congratulations on marking your territory. New toilet seats are one of life’s least recognized guilty pleasure.
Twitter Name: tenakim
@tena, If I could recreate that joy every week, changing the toilet seat may become a more regular thing. Why should the cats have all the fun?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Haha! But look at them, they’re so cute! Until they get bigger, then they’re just bigger cats with bigger poop and not quite as cute anymore. Again, kind of the same with people.
Twitter Name: kidthingsnet
@C @ Kid Things, AND? My cat farted last night and I swear to god somewhere along the way the damn thing’s been eating sauerkraut.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
The truth, you tells it. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a new potty in possession of cleanliness must be in want of a bowel movement. :D And your kittens make me want to….Hrm. Actually that sounds like it could be quite dirty left that way and I rather like it. Done.
Twitter Name: MBonn
@Melissa (Mbonn), It will NEVER be that clean again. EVER!!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I’ve never had cats, so I don’t know their cattitudes. But, I know you, and you do have a fierce cattitude, poops and all.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], dude, after a week in the hotel, I’m just glad SOMEONE is pooping…can I get an AMEN?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Catshit cleavage. Yucko. Our dog does that when we (my husband) picks up his poop in the yard. He also does it right by the pool as soon as we get in. What is it with these animules?
Also, my cat doesn’t cover his business, he covers imaginary poop around his food bowl after he eats. He got some serious wires crossed as a kitten. I think I need a pet psychic.
Twitter Name: LaurinEvans
@Laurin (@LaurinEvans), Um…this may be a message from the big guy that you should stick with fish
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Love it! I have never understood why cats insist on using the litter box after I clean it. I also cant’ understand how a tiny cat can make SO MUCH POOP.
Twitter Name: amandaaustin
@Amanda Austin, It’s like cats have the digestion of a new born baby, whatever goes in has to immediately come out. Why must i love cats so??
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
hilarious! and so true. baby cat waits next to me so she can walk into the box as soon as i put the scoop down.
@mandy, you don’t even understand how happy that makes me because i was starting to get a complex that just MY cats are assholes. nice to know it’s everyone’s cats.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
When I had a cat, all it did was lie down on my freshly ironed outfit for the day, every day before I left for work. And she looked at me sideways all the time, like I was SUCH a moron or something. I hated mining for the nuggets in the cat-sand (ALL sand belongs outdoors…) but she was cute. When I moved, I left her with my dad. Can’t even comprehend the idea of kitty-litter-cleavage… you are a very good woman.
Your toilet seat sounds divine though!! Happy pee-peeing, darling.
@Grumble Girl, THE LOOK…the one that the cat gives you that says “i only keep you around to put food in my bowl or i’d kill you in your sleep”..THAT look???
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
When I’m scooping the ‘ter, both cats sit there with back paws crossed in anticipation of leaving gifts for my amusement. Seriously now: it’s a misunderstood talent. Apparently a temptress tiger as feline as you has the same primal urges so work with it kitten — rawr.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
@katie ~ motherbumper, Now I sort of want to poop at your house. Don’t ask, I won’t try to explain. RAWWWR.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
OMG I insist on being the first to christen a new toilet seat. It will never be that clean again. Ever.
Twitter Name: barefootfoodie
@BarefootFoodie, You’re always chasing the first high from there on out
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
hahah the cats do that at our house, too! They work up a good one right as soon as the litter is all cleaned.
I’m going to remember this for the next time I get constipated. A new toilet seat should fix things.
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
@Assertagirl, NO FOR REAL!!! try it and let me know, I have to see if your theory works. CAuse then i will just pack new toilet seats with me for when i travel and can’t go in the hotel.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I used a Litter Maid when we had cats and it actually worked really well. Except we still forgot to change out the rancid tray of cat pee all the time.
Twitter Name: mariamelee
@Maria, mmmmm, so glad I read that AFTER I ate dinner.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
OMG you got quiet slamming seats!!! Is it a squishy seat too?
Twitter Name: mommahopeful
@Heather, no, i have issues about squishy seats…that may be another post altogether.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
hahaha. Miss Anissa, you are totally A CRAZY CAT LADY! ;)
Twitter Name: alimartell
@ali, I NOT CRAZY!! I only have 2…i think you have to have at least 10 to be THAT crazy cat lady.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
My roommate in grad school got really drunk one night and I dared her to pee in the litter box. She did it, of course. Maybe that’s why the cats peed on her bed.
Twitter Name: Melissa Siig
@Mountain Momma, I love you. do you want to get married?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Cute Kitties. I kinda/sort want a kitty for my daughter. But I HATE litter boxes. Why can’t cats be taught to scratch at the door?
And what is this whisper toilet seat?
YEP! Cats! very cute kittens by the way, we stopped at one! If she’s pissed at us? she’ll poop in the laundry!
I literally laughed out loud when I read the “cat shit lands in your cleavage” part. Because, I’m a total cat lady (proud), and that’s NEVER happened to me. EVER.
I love kittehs! Congrats on the new toilet seat. And the spectacular pee. (I’m envious of your *whisper* hinge!)