Hanna Montana tried to kill me

So, last Friday I boarded a plane in NYC, heading home, to Dallas.

I settled into my window seat on Row 27.

It was early, I was feeling puny, and I hate airplanes.

Well, I don’t hate airplanes. I hate flying. OK, that’s not exactly true either. It’s not the flying 37,000 feet above the Earth that scares me. No. It’s the falling 37,000 feet to my death.

That would suck.

So I sat down, closed my eyes, and willed the 3 and half hours to fly by.

Seated next to me was a teenager. Next to her was her dad. In front of us was the rest of the family, including the mom and a little sister.

Side note: No one confirmed their relationship status with me, but I DO have half a brain. I would make one hell of a private investigator, yessirree. Plus, the kids called the mom “Mom,” and the dad “Dad” and then the dad said to the teenager, “hand this to your little sister.” I tell you, NOTHING gets by me.

After observing these people for a few minutes I knew right away they didn’t travel much by air—or perhaps at all.

My first clue? The mom proceeded to eat BOILED EGGS. ON A PLANE. Who does that?

I had no choice but to repeatedly stab her in the face with my imaginary laser sword.

And THIS? Was before we even left the ground.

I started to think I might not survive the trip. But then! The flight attendant announced for everyone to put away their electronic devices. A-ha! That meant we were leaving! See? I told you nothing gets past me.

Anyway, teenager sitting next to me was watching the Hanna Montana movie on her iPod. She was wearing the headphones so she didn’t hear when the flight attendant asked for all passengers to turn their shit off. I looked over at the dad because surely he would tell her what she was doing WAS AGAINST THE RULES.

And then we started moving. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. We were heading down the jet way and this stupid, clueless teenager was WATCHING HANNA MONTANA! And she was LAUGHING!

YOU THINK CRASHING DURING TAKEOFF IS FUNNY, LITTLE GIRL? HUH?

Right away, I started praying. “Jesus, it’s me, Shauna Glenn. I know you’re probably pissed because of the t-shirts I had printed that say ‘I like my Jesus to party,’ but I swear I meant it in the best possible way. You know I think you’re a total rock star. Please don’t let us crash. Thank you. Your friend, Shauna Glenn.”

And then, just as the pilot announced we were number 2 for take off, the mom RECLINED HER SEAT! Are these people fucking stupid?

Rules people.

They are there for a reason, you douchebags.

Electronic devices turned on during take off = crashing into the concrete.

Reclining your seat back during takeoff = (OK, I don’t really get why we can’t do that, but I don’t ask questions, I just do as I’m told)

As the plane accelerated down the runway, I gripped the armrests. I looked over at the teenager once more hoping she’d finally clue in, but no. She just kept laughing at the stupid Miley Cyrus movie.

I wanted to scream out, “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND MIGHTY WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THAT THING OFF BEFORE YOU KILL US ALL?!!!”

But I didn’t. I just closed my eyes and hummed You Get The Best Of Both Worlds over and over in my head.

Fuck YOU, Hanna Montana.

(We didn’t crash. It was weird)