Yesterday I was with Nazi Trainer for my regular weekly torture session. Although, for some reason, he went easy on me. It probably had something to do with the fact that I told him I would stab him in the groin with a pitchfork if he didn’t. Still, I don’t think he’s as scared of me as he should be. I mean, I could kill him with my thumb if push came to shove. Luckily for him it hasn’t come to that. Yet.

Anyway, somehow we got on the topic of women. And how women lie. I wanted to be offended, but really?

Instead, I asked him to elaborate.

And he named three major ways in which we’re less than truthful about who we are.

1. High heels. They give the illusion that we’re taller than we actually are. Being 5′2″ I see nothing wrong with this. In fact, not only does wearing high heels make me look taller, but they also make me look skinnier. Which I’m a fan of. For real.

2. Spanx. Yeah. So? We wear them. And other body contouring, auto-sucking-in devices. They make us smaller in the waist and buttocks–temporarily. What of it?

3. Padded bras. Well, duh. Who doesn’t want a chesty bosom? I say, only freaks and weirdos, that’s who. Boobs are as American as apple pie. I mean look at Pam Anderson. You can’t get more American than that. Er, wait a minute, someone just told me she’s Canadian. Oh well. American/Canadian, what’s the difference? Still? Boobs, or the illusion of boobs, are awesome.

So after he finished his ten minute bitch session explaining the ways in which women misrepresent themselves, I was like, “what does it matter if a girl wears high heels, Spanx, and a padded bra?”

He shook his head at me in disgust and said, “because you meet a girl, talk her up and then take her home with you only to discover (after she takes off her clothes) that she’s short, fat, and flat-chested.”

Look who’s Aiming Low NOW!

But also? He does have a point. False advertising for the win!

Hi. My name is Shauna. And I’m a big fat liar.