Yesterday I was with Nazi Trainer for my regular weekly torture session. Although, for some reason, he went easy on me. It probably had something to do with the fact that I told him I would stab him in the groin with a pitchfork if he didn’t. Still, I don’t think he’s as scared of me as he should be. I mean, I could kill him with my thumb if push came to shove. Luckily for him it hasn’t come to that. Yet.
Anyway, somehow we got on the topic of women. And how women lie. I wanted to be offended, but really?
Instead, I asked him to elaborate.
And he named three major ways in which we’re less than truthful about who we are.
1. High heels. They give the illusion that we’re taller than we actually are. Being 5’2″ I see nothing wrong with this. In fact, not only does wearing high heels make me look taller, but they also make me look skinnier. Which I’m a fan of. For real.
2. Spanx. Yeah. So? We wear them. And other body contouring, auto-sucking-in devices. They make us smaller in the waist and buttocks–temporarily. What of it?
3. Padded bras. Well, duh. Who doesn’t want a chesty bosom? I say, only freaks and weirdos, that’s who. Boobs are as American as apple pie. I mean look at Pam Anderson. You can’t get more American than that. Er, wait a minute, someone just told me she’s Canadian. Oh well. American/Canadian, what’s the difference? Still? Boobs, or the illusion of boobs, are awesome.
So after he finished his ten minute bitch session explaining the ways in which women misrepresent themselves, I was like, “what does it matter if a girl wears high heels, Spanx, and a padded bra?”
He shook his head at me in disgust and said, “because you meet a girl, talk her up and then take her home with you only to discover (after she takes off her clothes) that she’s short, fat, and flat-chested.”
Look who’s Aiming Low NOW!
But also? He does have a point. False advertising for the win!
Hi. My name is Shauna. And I’m a big fat liar.
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
My husband already knows what I look like under clothes, but I don’t think he minds that I lie to the rest of the world when we go out together.
According to your criteria and height, you would have to say SHORT fat liar.
And unless you weigh way more than your pictures show, that fat part would be inaccurate also.
Nothing could be better than looking taller and thinner so if my husband wants a happy household he better be a very smooth liar.
These things are NECESSARY!! I mean, really.
Twitter: logicallibby
November 10, 2009 at 9:34 am
One word: toupees.
Twitter: LovinStilettos
November 10, 2009 at 9:35 am
Me too! :)
Twitter: tenakim
November 10, 2009 at 9:48 am
we are on the same wave length- read my sentimental post today at my site!
Boys are such bitches.
Guilty as charged. On all 3 counts.
*sigh* I guess I’m a liar too.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 10, 2009 at 10:54 am
And he’s a whiney ass piss-ant. Get used to it, sucka!
And I’m going to add to Libby’s comment “One word – toupees” How about Viagra? And Tom Cruise and Sylvester Stallone’s lifts in their shoes? And Grecian Formula? And the unconscious sucking in the gut when a pretty girl walks by? Please!
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
November 11, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Let’s not forget Sylvester Stallone’s calf implants and Carrot Top’s biceps implants and scary tattooed eyeliner…
Wait, your trainer is calling us liars? He’s a trainer. He lies for a living. That’s not what his body looks like. It’s completely fabricated. Tell him to take 3 months off of his workout regimen. Yeah. That’s what I thought. Who’s poo-pooing Spanx now? Sucka.
There are the *good* lies and the *bad* lies. Spanx, heels and padded bras (or simply lift the big saggy bag-bras) are the *good* lies. It’s like air-brushing for real life chicks.
@MJ_in_FW, Yeah! I bet he drools over the models in the magazines, They lie too. So gt over it!
Oh, come on, at least on the high heels, he should be smart enough to look down. You can see what shoes someone is wearing.
As far as the Spanx and bras – a little misrepresentation never hurt anyone – he shouldn’t be so shallow!
Twitter: alimartell
November 10, 2009 at 8:43 pm
heels are totally NOT false advertising…because you KNOW a woman is wearing them. Push-ups and spanx are hidden, so MAYBE I can see that.
but heels are the best thing to ever happen to short girls. EVER.
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
November 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Basically, you should only wear spanx and padded bras when you’re CERTAIN you won’t be getting lucky. And since married women rarely get lucky…it’s not an issue for me, errr, I mean US.
Well, I’m 5 ft. tall, so heels are a necessity, but I’m not necessarily proportioned. When my husband and I first, eh-hemm, got together, he says he was PLEASANTLY surprised to find out what was behind that minimizer! And Spanx, well, I blame the need for those on him now–he’s the one who knocked me up twice, so the baby weight is HIS fault :)
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