I’m not one of those people who forgets to eat. In fact, I don’t even get those people. Oh trust me, I have friends who can go all day without eating and I’m like, are you fucking kidding me? You FORGOT to eat?
How does one even DO that?
Me? I plan my day around food. I go to bed thinking about breakfast. At breakfast I plan what I’m going to eat for lunch. During lunch I figure out the best plan of attack for dinner. And so on. This happens every day.
But also? Eating has nothing to do with being hungry.
Here are the reasons I eat.
1. I’m hungry.
2. I’m bored.
3. I’m pissed off.
4. I’m happy.
5. I’m bored.
6. I’m awake.
7. I’m sad.
8. I’m excited.
9. I’m celebrating.
10. I’m bored.
11. It’s Thursday. Or Monday. Or Saturday. Or Tuesday. Or…you can see where this is going right?
Food.
It’s like a party in your mouth.
And dude, I SO know how to party.
I don’t discriminate. I eat all kinds of food. It doesn’t even have to be particularly good. Just so long as there’s lots of it—and you serve it with ranch dressing.
Yeah. I’m THAT girl.
You know, I’ve always wanted to think of food as a necessity—for sustaining life—fuel for the body. And all that jazz.
But dang it, it tastes so good that I just wanna eat all of it. And I usually do.
God, I love parties. Especially parties with food. Pigs in a blanket, sausage balls, empanadas, mini sandwiches, chicken satay, shrimp cocktail…someone PLEASE STOP ME.
The problem with the lifestyle I choose to live? The fucking bathroom scale.
God damn mother fucking lying cock sucking bathroom scale.
The last time I weighed it was after a weekend of binge eating which included an engagement party, a girls’ night out, and a tailgate party.
I stepped on the scale (regrettably) on Monday morning and the number that showed up left me gasping for air.
So I did the only thing a person in my situation could do. I took that son of a bitch bathroom scale out to the driveway and ran over it with my car.
So…
What’s for dinner?
- Boston and New York. Reliving the dream.
- What the Hell Does Aiming Low Mean?
- Fashion Plate- and now I'm thinking about food.
- Drink WIN Drink FAIL
- The Rules According to Meghan
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: angi33
November 17, 2009 at 8:09 am
It’s like we were separated at birth, except I still have my uterus for another month and you…have more writing talent in one finger than I do…but other than that, we’re totally the same. Oh and one little best practice, should you decide to get another scale, go digital, the pointy bar on the other ones can puncture your car tires.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 9:27 am
@Angi,
That’s good advice. Thanks!
And good luck with your uterus removal. It’s a piece of cake. Mmm. Cake.
You know the other thing I don’t get? People who say that they only have a penchant for sweet, or salty. You know the ones: “I could have a box of chocolates in my cupboard for a year and won’t touch them…but chips? Oooh, I love me some chips”.
How can normal, sane, estrogen-producing females discriminate against either one of those delectable choices?
Crazy I tell you, full-on crazy.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 9:28 am
@Kootnygirl,
That’s why I eat both.
And I don’t get those people either.
Twitter: motherbumper
November 17, 2009 at 8:41 am
I always felt I could live on party food alone. I’m a sucker for finger food and things wrapped in blankets (or deep fried or served on a toothpick) but I also must confess: I’m one of those annoying f**kers that can go all day without eating. You should thank people like me Shauna: more party for your mouth.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 9:33 am
@katie ~ motherbumper,
It’s OK. It’s one more reason I love you. You’re an enigma, bacon wrapped in irony.
Twitter: Amy_Urquhart
November 17, 2009 at 8:54 am
I hope you at least waited until you’d pooped that day before weighing yourself…
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 9:39 am
@Assertagirl,
POOPING!! Exactly. Yeah. I guess I forgot to do that.
Twitter: AndreaUpdyke
November 17, 2009 at 9:04 am
Ha! This is SO me. Food is a celebration every day. I wrote about it too. Actually, I write about it often….when I’m not eating, I’m thinking about eating…or writing about thinking about eating while i’m eating…I did start running recently. But that just means I can eat more right?
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 9:40 am
@Andrea,
Right. That’s exactly what that means. You can eat more. Enjoy!!
Twitter: NonaNelson
November 17, 2009 at 9:28 am
I love food. I love planning for food, shopping for food, cooking food and most of all, eating food. Love it so much. There have been very dark days when I can’t get even one bite to eat, but it certainly isn’t because I forgot.
I doubt I would forget to eat even if I had a lobotomy.
My love of food, by the way, is returned 10 fold. Food adores me so much it clings to me like a lover, wrapping itself snugly around my hips, thighs and gut in a warm, flabby hug.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 9:42 am
@Nona,
Food is awesome like that.
I have a weirdness about food – love it all… shopping, cooking, eating… all of it – but I am one of those people who “forgets” to eat – I think that has to do with kids though. Busy, busy, busy… coffee, coffee, coffee for half the day, until my headache stops me and I start devouring everything I can get my hands on, and munching over the sink, no less… but I love nothing more than eating a plateful of yumminess… orgasm in my mouth – from food, not, you know, someone else’s orgasm. (Of course, that has it’s place in life too, but I’m not talking about that now.) I should take better care of myself in that respect. I’ll make anything for anyone, but for me? Meh. Can’t be bothered. I’ll eat something later… after I throw in this laundry, or wash these dishes, or send that email… bad habits.
In any case, I care not what the scale says – just bring me some food… especially if I don’t have to prepare it for myself – that’s always my favorite.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 7:20 pm
@Grumble Girl,
THIS? Is why you and I get along so beautifully.
I don’t trust women who don’t eat dessert, or those who say they can’t eat because they’re stressed, upset, tired, or busy.
So therefore, I trust you completely.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 7:20 pm
@Melanie at Parenting Ink,
Yes. You can totally trust me.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 17, 2009 at 10:29 am
Why can’t party food be everyday food?
And yes, I can attest that you are an eater, but it totally doesn’t show. Me, on the other hand, it shows. I’m pretty sure what you ate in NY ended up on my ass.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 7:21 pm
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing],
Dude. You and I could win a tag team eating contest. I like that about us.
Ok, so first I was reading your post and shaking with silent laughter in my cube, hoping that nobody would walk by and realize that I was laughing my ass off. (And wondering if I could pass it off as a mini-seizure or something. Because I’m wildly inappropriate like that.) And thinking “YES!! This woman GETS me!!”
Then I read the comments on the way to add my own. I’m just in girly-love with all of you.
PS- My boyfriend ‘forgets to eat’. Sometimes I’m tempted to run HIM over with my car. IS that healthy?
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 7:22 pm
@txtingmrdarcy,
Don’t waste your energy running over him. It would just be another mess to clean up. And that would cut into time you could spend EATING.
Twitter: LovinStilettos
November 17, 2009 at 10:51 am
I could’ve written this entry! I am THAT girl too!
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 7:22 pm
@Michelle,
Maybe we were separated at birth!
Twitter: thecaffeinatrix
November 17, 2009 at 11:22 am
About five days out of the month, I don’t care about food and don’t give it a second thought. I’m NOT bragging. I mean hello? ONLY FIVE DAYS. The rest of the month, I’m constantly thinking of my next snack and meal and dessert. As for scales, I don’t own one. I prefer to die of shock IN THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE because there are trained professionals there to perform life support.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 7:23 pm
@IzzyMom,
You’re so smart Janet. I hope to be like you when I grow up.
Twitter: bbg05
November 17, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Awesome. Nothing hotter than a woman who digs food. Eat up.
Twitter: shaunaglenn
November 17, 2009 at 7:24 pm
@Jeff,
Jeff, I like you. You sound like good people.
I tossed my scale down the stairs a few months ago. Made me happy.
@maya, Oh that sounds very satisfying. Thanks for the idea. I have wonderful concrete walls and floors at the bottom of my stairs. PERFECT demise for my scale. Well, I suddenly have some pressing business…
I also think about food all the time. I plan what we are going to eat way in advance. I just lost over ten percent of my body weight. THUS I really think of food…really. In the weight loss group I go to the scale weighs me in tenths of a pound. Very unforgiving and scary.
i LOVE food. it’s more of a lust of food. i lust food. party food IS the best. my husband and i devote our weekends to tailgate food – mini anything, must be fried, and if it HAS to go in the oven…it’s covered with cheese. we’re the couple who will toss a coin for heads: sex, tails: pizza and PRAY that it lands on pizza so we can eat.
Twitter: uthostage
November 17, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I’m a new follower and I LOVE this post! Thank you!
I’ve considered hiring a hit man to take my scale out, but I like your idea MUCH better! LOL
Twitter: sarcastica
November 17, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I LOVE pouring Ranch dressing on everything; mashed potatoes, pizza, any kind of meat, god I could go on forever. I’m horrible at it. I can’t forget about food. I’m always thinking about it too. I don’t even own a scale so I guess I’m ahead of the game :P
This ‘God damn mother fucking lying cock sucking bathroom scale’ almost made me pee my pants. This ‘I took that son of a bitch bathroom scale out to the driveway and ran over it with my car’ made me spit coffee on my computer screen.
Mmmm…coffee…
I think after Anissa’s sudden heart attack, you should consider your eating habits. I donot recommend dieting or going without food whole day because even I am a foody but I do choose healthier alternatives and believe me they are equally satisfying. I do let go of myself few times but do not beat myself over it. So keep up with your eating but eat sensibly.
I love ranch dressing so much that my habit rubbed off on my kid and he got a bottle for Christmas one year. I was jealous of it so I stole it.
Twitter: mpjeno
November 19, 2009 at 10:45 am
I, also, am a new follower (found my way here after a post about Anissa – my Ts & Ps are with her as well as your entire blog family).
So I wouldn’t normally comment this soon (I admit … I can be kind of a creeper like that) – but if you could see into my mind on a daily basis, it would look like this post, minus the driving over the scale part. For example, right now (9:30 a.m.) I’m already getting excited about how the cafe at my office is serving quesadillas today. Of course, we have a salad bar, too – but c’mon … it’s QUESADILLAS. so, even though I’m SO stoked about the crispy, cheesy, meaty delicious-ness, I’ll probably wait a few hours after they open to go down and get lunch – all the while pretending that I haven’t been frothing at the mouth all morning. and no one will be the wiser, right!?
Anywho … I look forward to reading more!
You’re my long lost sister aren’t you?
Someone asked me the other day if I’ve lost weight.
Well I think I have because of how my clothes fit but I do not own a scale any longer…..similiar weekend did that sucker in.
This woman was appalled that I didn’t have a scale and weigh myself every day. But this 5’11″ blonde stick barely eats. She said that she is always hungry. And she stated “that is how one must live if you want to maintain your weight”
No thanks! Ben & Jerry are the only men I’d leave my husband for.
Bring on the party foods and cocktails for me!
Well, when I first read the title, I flashed back to that contest you had a few months ago on “Is It 5 O’Clock Yet?” where the winning entry for a bumper sticker was ” VAGINA: It’s What’s for Dinner!” and I wondered…Where is she going with this?
Of course, I can’t relate at all to the whole eating thing…as I cram the 27th butter toffee into my face while I type this. Scales suck.
Twitter: Melissa Siig
November 22, 2009 at 1:28 pm
My husband forgets to eat lunch sometimes. I totally do not understand this. I couldn’t forget if I tried. In fact, I can’t usually go more than two hours without eating, or I pass out. At least that’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.
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