Is there really a heaven? Well I say no, but apparently 9 out of 10 Americans disagree with me. I might be swayed if someone presented me with evidence. Like a brochure. And a tour. Yes, I would like to take a tour before I agree to SPEND ALL OF ETERNITY there.
Maybe it would go something like this…
Me: “Wow. Really? This is heaven? It’s a bit different than I’d imagined. I must admit, the ripped vinyl bean bag chairs certainly do compliment the blood spattered linoleum floor. What’s that smell? Reminds me of burning hair and pot roast. And why is everyone naked? And drunk?”
Tour guide: “Yes, these are our finest accommodations. I don’t show them to just anybody. Look, over there. Sid Vicious playing Old Maid with President Kennedy. And see over in the corner next to the stuffed elephant? Your Grandmother is dancing with Napoleon’s cat.”
But seriously.
Heaven is supposed to reunite a person with loved ones, right? Hmm. Can I take a pass on that? My Uncle Salvatore wasn’t exactly the best conversationalist. Unless you really, really enjoy talking about meatballs. And scrap metal. His breath left something to be desired as well. Must I really spend FOREVER with him, and countless other people I have no urge to see ever again.
I’m also not too thrilled with having to wear a “uniform.” The prospect of donning a white robe in the afterlife just doesn’t sell me on this heaven thing. I’m really not a robe person. I like black.
You’re probably wondering what my idea of heaven would be. Well I know I would be up to my eyeballs in fine wine and amazing food like spray cheese, M&M’s and chicken feet. And there would be television. And no pesky loved ones to bother me. There would also be a high speed Internet connection. Sex too. Lots of it. And I would have a giant closet full of haute couture clothing, I would get to wear couture every day.
And just in case, there would be a secret back staircase to hell. I might want to take a tour.
A tour. With guest passes! Much love to Amanda for submitting this Three Day Weekend post. Amanda writes at her amazing humor blog, Brilliant Sulk.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: habanerogal
November 13, 2009 at 7:25 am
Heaven should definitely NOT include old boyfriends relatives or teachers
Twitter: KarenChatters
November 13, 2009 at 9:30 am
In addition to your list I would need to have peanut butter, no hips, and orgasms with all that sex (I mean EVERY time).
I’m pretty sure I’m headed the other way, and I want big-screen tv porn, please.
@Grumble Girl, I’m pretty sure I’m headed there too.
Why is your grandmother dancing with Napoleon’s cat? I’m curious.
@Desiree, I would imagine heaven is super boring so a dance party seems like a good way to kill time. Grab a partner, any partner and dance…
Why? Are cats not allowed in people heaven?
@Amanda, For sure, I believe all animals will be in Heaven, especially cats. Did your grandmother prefer cats over another domesticated animal?
LOL……..
I had to deal with the question of Heaven with my son recently when his beloved hamster died. I told him her spirit would be there while her body nourished the Earth.
I kinda figure Heaven is everything you want it to be. Whether it’s sitting on the couch naked eating cheese whiz straight from the bottle whilst watching soap operas and finally getting some “me time” or being with every one of your family members you ever lost, your Heaven is yours, and only yours, perfect just for you.
Hm. Spray cheese, M & Ms and chicken feet? Sounds … er … great, Amanda. Enjoy. I’ll be in another section with the chocolate cake and the champagne.
@Fran, You’ll be SORRY. Chicken feet are dee-lightful.
@Amanda, yeah, fine, but I bet the chickens don’t find walking without them SO dee-lightful.
Well, who would want a heaven like that? Yikes. If the Bible’s right, heaven will be a place in which you will be very happy and peaceful; and it is said to be incredibly beautiful. I don’t recall any mention of robes or boredom…
@S, You must have received the deluxe brochure!
Hello? Sid Vicious in Heaven? Something is definitely wrong with this picture. And the whole relative thing…you’ve got a very, very good point.
@ZenMom, Well do we really have SOLID evidence that Sid killed Nancy? Oh, guess we do.
Twitter: Melissa Siig
November 14, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Chicken feet??? how about frog legs? Seems much more heaven-like.
I thought for sure you were describing the party I was at last night. Naked and drunk is how I roll.