I’ve been dealing with un-welcomed house guests for nearly all of the 13 years I’ve lived in Orlando. Apparently, they’re coming up from the south. They are slowly creeping in from south Florida, taking over one house at a time, more and more each year.
I’ve done extensive research about these invaders because I’m a huge nerd.
Asshole white-footed ants.
Sugar ants.
Teeny tiny black ants.
Assholes. And not the good kind.
They take over the ENTIRE HOUSE. They’re not just in the kitchen, but they’re in the bathroom, the bedroom, the couch, the door jams.
EVERYWHERE.
Assholes.
I got rid of them a few months ago using a very specific ant poison, but they decided to return, we were out of the delicious poison, and the husband couldn’t find the right kind of trap.
Friggin wasted $6 on crap ant poison.
Those assholes are now on my KITCHEN TABLE.
ASSHOLES.
They don’t even travel in a line so I can squish them in one fail swoop. Oh, no. Those assholes wander the table like a drunk sorority sister at 11am the day of the football game and thataintpretty.
Teeny tiny ASSHOLES.
I’ve been home for 2-1/2 whole days, and I’ve yet to search out the proper delicious asshole ant bait poison. What do I do instead? Take pictures of the assholes and post them on the internet.
ASSHOLES.
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: MommaIncredible
November 5, 2009 at 8:48 am
Arson would fix them, right?
Just kidding—try TARO. Found at the Lowe’s or the Depot. I empathize because I hate them too. They should all die.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 5, 2009 at 11:57 pm
@Heather,
is ‘setting fire to my house because of asshole ants’ a good excuse for claiming fire insurance?
Are these the ones that thrive on electronics?
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 5, 2009 at 11:58 pm
@kyooty,
i don’t think so, but i’ve heard of the. they’re major assholes too.
Twitter: LovinStilettos
November 5, 2009 at 9:22 am
Taro! I swear it works!!
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 5, 2009 at 11:58 pm
@Michelle,
must
find
I didn’t blog publicly back then, but when we lived in Georgia (Part I) we had this house that was INFESTED! Sometimes I couldn’t even sleep. ASsHOleS!
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:01 am
@Secret Agent Mama,
i’ve seen them in my bed. i don’t like bugs in my bed. not even ants.
Google Raspberry Ants. That’s what we have to deal with. They must be asshole cousins of your sugar ants.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:02 am
@Jennifer,
oh, those are not nice. no thank you.
Damn, I’m at work and can’t remember the name of the stuff I use. You just put a drop on a Post-It or something and they flock to it and the next day, gone! Don’t know if it’s Taro or something else. I’ll TRY to remember to check it out when I get home… but you should probably respond to this comment and tell me not to forget the ants. Because I will probably forget.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:07 am
@Finn,
others are saying Taro too, but i know some really good stuff. just have to find it again.
assholes.
Twitter: msmegan
November 7, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], This stuff is called Protexall “Ant-Kil” (don’t even get me started on the spelling and quotes thing…). It’s got orthoboric acid in it and is for sweet and grease-eating ants. I think you can get it in Home Depot.
I’m assuming there are also hygiene issues involoved? As a rule, I always try to keep MY assholes off the kitchen table!
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:07 am
@mysuestories,
it’s a general rule to keep assholes off the table.
Twitter: tenakim
November 5, 2009 at 1:01 pm
peppermint extract- and if you accidentally eat one, it’s like a breath mint.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:08 am
@tena,
i like things to have dual purposes.
Twitter: SillyJaime
November 5, 2009 at 1:20 pm
That’s Aiming Low for ya!
Also, like two other people up there mentioned, Terro is great. It’s like TERROR, without the R at the end. Ants can’t spell anyway.
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:08 am
@Jaime,
illiterate ants are assholes.
We call them piss ants here, i can remeber that was the only time i was ever able to cuss as a child. Momma its a PISS ANT!!! LMAO!
Twitter: alotofnothing
November 6, 2009 at 12:09 am
@Nicole,
that’s what i call my brother in law.
Sorry about your assholes. I hope you don’t have to move. That would suck donkey’s balls.
When I was growing up, in Miami, we had cockroaches all over the house. The flying kind. Big flying assholes. But I imagine teeny tiny black sugar ants are much more insidious. And crafty. And asshole-ish. Consider recruiting my one year old son to help you get rid of ‘em. “Ant, Mommy,” he declares in an oh-so-adorable voice. And then he crushes them under his little shoe. Dozens at a time.
AHHH i don’t know what is worse, the ants in your kitchen or the mosquitos in my bedroom! IT IS NOVEMBER! i’m going crazy!!
Twitter: Melissa Siig
November 7, 2009 at 11:14 pm
We had this same problem this summer. But they were big, fat ants – and smart. The suckers would hide from me every time I went to squish one of them. And then they would use their dam ant ESP to tell all their buddies to run and hide. We had the house professionally sprayed and it didn’t even work the first time.
PS: someone told me borax and sugar works to kill the little shits.
I apparently have asshole field mice. Who have mistaken my house for a field.
Ran into the same problem at my house. Since I am dirt poor and couldn’t afford to buy any fancy poisoning stuff, Dr. Google told me that ants hate cinnamon. Bath and Body Works Cinnamon Room Spray…REPURPOSED!!! Ants were abolished, and the house smelled great…double WIN!
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