If you’ve yet to have children, remember this: toddlers are extremely curious and creative little creatures. When you’re taking a bath or in the kitchen, they will dig through your drawers or under your bed looking for play clothing or monsters or a lost Toy Story Buzz Lightyear. And when they do, they will find whatever it is that you’ve hoped they would never ask about. And then they will ask about everything single thing they discover.
This is what happened to me one lazy Saturday afternoon while my husband was out and I was engrossed in the latest John Grisham novel with my feet up on the backside of the couch. In marches my 3 and a half-year-old, proudly pulling a makeshift caddy of all our private pleasure toys that we keep stored under the bed. My blindfold is casually wrapped around her waist like a little fashionista belt and she sports one fuzzy pink handcuff pushed way up to her shoulder, like some cool punk rocker.
“Mommy, Mommy! Lookit! Toys!” she exclaims to me, excited about her bounty. And then the questions begin as she presents each item in a quick flurry, her curly hair bouncing. She pulls out a simple straight, non-penis looking vibrator and somehow actually manages to twist it just right to start it humming.
“Why does it move like that? It tickles.” I gently take the toy from her and turn it off. This is a delicate moment to handle; I don’t believe there’s any shame in sex, but I also believe that 3 ½ is far too early to introduce the concept. I’ve heard stories from friends whose mothers taught them that sexuality was improper, keeping the facts of life from them until they were well into their teenage years. By then, of course, they had learned all the truly improper – that is, inaccurate – information from their friends. One close pal was even slapped in the face by her mother when she unintentionally found mom’s vibrator and asked about it over lunch in front of other ladies. This would never be my approach. I consider my response and give her as close to the truth as I think is appropriate.
“That’s for when mommy’s back hurts.” I tell her.
“Can I put it on your back?” She asks, all innocent.
“That’s sweet, honey, but my back doesn’t hurt right now.”
She seems content with this answer and moves onto the feather tickler, sticking it in her hair like an Indian. She poses fiercely for me. I cower in mock fear. Then she removes it and tickles my nose with it, so I giggle.
“Tickle me back!” So I do and she giggles. “Why do you have this, mommy?”
“For tickling, of course.”
“Right!” And she tickles me again. We have a good laugh. Then, suddenly, she runs back into the bedroom and brings back my wedge.
“Mommy, what’s this?” Her face is screwed up with a completely confused expression, her head tilted to the side like a dog that’s just heard a funny sound.
“What does it look like it’s for?” I ask. She pauses. Then, with great accomplishment:
“A slide!” And she plops down on the high end and slides down to the floor, squealing. It’s not a very long slide, but it does the trick. She jumps back up and this time rolls down it, turning over about twice and laughing dizzily at the bottom.
I leave John Grisham on the couch for the rest of the afternoon while I watch my daughter play with the blindfold, feather, cuff and wedge. The rest of the toys go back in the bedroom, but this time on a high shelf in the closet. Some day I know we’ll have a good laugh about this day. She may even think I’m kind of cool. Or maybe when she’s a bit more grown up, she’ll come to me with more adult questions about sexuality because she knows she can trust that I’m as open and honest as I can be, given the circumstances. Maybe she’ll remember that I let her play and use her imagination, knowing that she wasn’t being “tainted” or shamed in any way. Until then, of course, as far as she’s concerned, a feather is just a feather.
Soooo….that happened. Thank you, Sandy, for this hilarious Three Day Weekend Submission! You can find Sandy at her blog, Toy With Me, and on Twitter!
About Guest Writer
Haven’t we all had one of those moments at least mine wasn’t in front of a whole living room full of guests though. They should build bedside tables with lockable drawers I know I’d take a set for my bedroom.
Twitter Name: habanerogal
I think you handled the situation EXACTLY right, Sandy. Thanks for sharing this funny story with us!
Twitter Name: Amy_Urquhart
So I want to know how you go back to using your toys without thinking of the afternoon you spent playing with your daughter? LOL
OMG, I think I would have died. You handled that brilliantly well, I’m not sure what I would have done. Other than make a strong drink, of course.
Twitter Name: KarenChatters
@Karen, I did have a drink or two later in the day and a very good laugh with my hubby over the whole thing.
Twitter Name: toywithme
I love the scene in Parenthood when the power goes out at dinnertime, and everyone is frantically searching for a flashlight or something… and Steve Martin’s character finds his grown-up sister’s vibe, the lights come back on, and everyone is all like, “WHAAAAT??!” His little daughter says, “What was that?” and Mary Steenburgen says, “It was an… electric… ear cleaner.” Lord.
I’m waiting for the day one of our kids finds the box of tricks… I think you handled that beautifully, babe. Totally well played.
And yes, hide that box up HIGH in the closet. I think I’ll move mine right now, too.
@grumble girl, For anyone reading my story take grumble girl’s advice and hide those toys! Save yourself from a very awkward situation.
Twitter Name: toywithme
My son found my “race car” (silver bullet) and thought it was the best thing ever!
I told him that Mommy’s and Daddy’s like to have “toys” too and that just like he has special toys he doesn’t want to share, so do mommy and daddy.
He seemed to accept that explaination and so far, he hasn’t asked to see or play with it again.
That was a FUN morning!
This is exactly why sex toys are buried, pushed back deep into the closet where prying two-year-old hands cannot find them! You handled it beautifully though, momma. Well done!
Twitter Name: mommaruthsays
In all seriousness, I applaud you. You did some serious thinking on your feet!!!
Twitter Name: give_me_a_latte
Wow..you handled this so very, very well. Good thinking! I will have to use this one someday with my kids-to-be! :)
Thanks everyone for all the support. Sometimes you have and sometimes you don’t and this time I was lucky enough that my imagination was on my side. I had a fab time guest posting here and hope I can do it again sometime. Cheers, Sandy
Twitter Name: toywithme
I’m mad that you didn’t take a picture. COME ON! That’s a conversation starter.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
*brilliant* handling of the situation, and great storytelling, too.
Brava!
Twitter Name: Al_Pal
Very funny post!! Good thing she wasn’t in kindergarten taking your “giggle stick” in for show and tell. My dad was an elementary school principal and that is what one of the kid’s did. He had to call the parent and say “Your child brought in something of yours for show and tell. When she gives it back to you, put it far away!” Needless to say, that parent never came in for a parent-teacher interview while her child was at that school.
Yes, yes, yes…toys always on the HIGHEST shelf. lol
Shah!
That didn’t happen. Couldn’t happen. Dang!
You did well.
Of course, what a wonderful site and educational posts, I will add backlink – bookmark this site? Regards.
I’m writing you to let you know that the picture you have posted on your page looks like children playing, but in actuality depicts 9/11! Please look at it again. It is a picture of the twin towers (blocks), the pentagon (on soccer ball), the plane, the box cutters used on the plane (what child uses box cutters?!), dead people on the ground (paper cutouts), and most of all, the blocks plainly spell out ARMAGEDDON! I would highly suggest removing it as soon as possible as this is obviously not something anyone would want to depict on their website. I hope this information helps, you can do a Google search and find out more about it fairly easily.