So, as much as I love my kids, I have figured out that THEIR love for me is not equal to mine. In fact, I sort of doubt the existence of their love AT ALL.
Because no one, NO ONE, should get as much joy out of embarrassing me as they do.
And humiliation? Thy name is Nathaniel, Rachael and Peyton. {I know, it’s sort of a long and awkward name, but it just FLOWS when I’m screaming at them.}
There was the outstanding moment when my son announced that his wiener was standing up. In carline. To his teacher. THEN? He asked her if she’d like to see it. Did I mention that my kids went a private Christian school? Oh hai! I’m the mom of the Erection King, have a brownie? There is no amount of baked goods that make up for that.
Which sort of pales in comparison to the day that Rachael told one of her classmate’s moms that I have “hair all over my butt”….which, for the record? I DO NOT. I may not groom as meticulously as one would hope, but at no point has the hair actually made it’s way to full pube panties.
But today, I was reminded, YET AGAIN, why kids should come with mute switches.
There we are standing with our full cart of groceries when my youngest decided to stick her finger in a hole in my jeans. No, these are not artfully trendy jeans strategically ripped for maximum hipness…these are, in fact, older than dirt and falling apart at the seams…but OH SO comfy! And she bellows (in that way only kids who are about to divulge information you don’t want shared with the world can do). “MAMA! YOU’RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES!”
*silence*
*chirp chirp*
*crickets*
It’s true. I’d showered late in the day (be glad I’d showered at all) and grabbed the first clothes handy to rush out the door because I was late for pickup (of COURSE I was) and I was fully commando.
But I’d really figured that I could get away with it for an hour.
Apparently not.
BUT? At least I wasn’t wearing my hairy panties again.
these are the moments when I say the silent prayer. You know, “Dear God, if there is going to be a Rapture, could it happen now, and could I be first in line?”
Children…sigh…
Twitter Name: mommahopeful
@Heather, Unfortunately, I don’t think THAT would work out in my favor either!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
omg, what did the teacher say to Erection King?? That’s going to happen to me soon. I just know it!
Twitter Name: LaurinEvans
@Laurin (@LaurinEvans), She gave me “the look” and shut the door. HARD.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
What ever happened to “don’t speak until spoken to?” I like this rule. The whole world is going to shit. Balls. Get some duct tape for those little mouths, no?
@Grumble Girl, Either duct tape or a ball gag. Which do you think is least offensive for a child?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, Well, that all depends on what’s acceptable where you live. What would the neighbours do?
LOL! Thanks for making my morning with your funny stories, er, tales of motherly suffering. ;o)
@Carolyn Bahm, My pain…you feel it, don’t you?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
one day i was in the grocery store (of course) with son (2) and daughter 5(then) and i burped! it wasnt all that loud but my baby girl heard and yells at the top or voice ” eewww momma you got diaherra!” i still cringe evry time i go to that store and its been 2 years!
@andrea, You know they’re STILL whispering about you. Cause I am going to be RED as hell trying to go in there and face down that clerk again.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, thats nothing ask me sometime about the time the same daughter (thats why i have only the one girl) pulled down my skirt in another grocery store! all i can say is THANK GOD i wasnt wearing a thong!
Hahaha, oh no! Thank you for sharing your experience. Now I know that when I have children we shall never leave the house unless their mouths are taped firmly shut. That’s allowed, right?
@Jen @ lifelovenwine, consider asking if they can genetically engineer your future child to have an OFF button
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Priceless … My daughter has this great new joy in telling people when she farts – her brothers aren’t nearly as fowl as she, how did that happen?
@Fiona, She’ll be VERY popular in college!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
This is SO funny! OMG. I only have one girl. I don’t know how I would ever deal with erections. That is just beyond my capabilities!
@mumby, And he was so PROUD of it….apparently that starts VERY young. *sigh*
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Ahh, the sausages. My son’s class in daycare made leaf-people. My son was the only one to name the leaf-person’s genitalia.
Twitter Name: AshleySassyPie
@Ashley, They had genitalia?? WTF kind of daycare are they running there?!!!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, Haha… Not on purpose! It was the leaf’s stem, and it just happened to be at the bottom of the leaf person. I’ll admit it did look rather like a leafy penis. ;)
Twitter Name: AshleySassyPie
More proof we shouldn’t encourage our children to speak.
Twitter Name: shaunaglenn
@Shauna, Everyone’s so excited that their baby talks…and then it just never freaking ends
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, oh man, I so know that! My ex used to say “why doesn’t my kid talk yet? Everyone else’s is!” and when he did start talking and now never stops, I never fail to remind him of that.
I’m thinking of offering my kids pacifiers to shut them up. I think Kindergarten is a good age to start.
Twitter Name: alotofnothing
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], i’m thinking ball-gag
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I was sure they made a granola bar for this? yes? really I thought I saw some company advertising a volume control?
@kyooty, SHUTUP. They make a granola bar that renders them mute? Where can I buy this thing of glory?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
@Anissa Mayhew, Yep Quaker used to advertise it I think, showing a child walking up to a bride “My mom says you shouldn’t have wore white” (or similar)
I really look forward to having children. :]
Twitter Name: SillyJaime
@Jaime, They really are awesome…and then they speak.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I am so scared to see what will come out of my daughter’s mouth in the future. I’m crossing my fingers her first words aren’t ball sack or perhaps, suck it.
btw, i LOVE this site. Been telling my friends about it.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I have a friend who keeps a diary of little “incidences” such as this for each of her kids. When she is old and feeble each “incident” equals a day they must care for her. So …… revenge is even sweeter when plotted well in advance :)
Twitter Name: toywithme
That was so funny. As a mother of three boys, the erection king story made me laugh the hardest. And reminded me of how one of my boys, at 2, always went commando because he was pottytrained but too little to fit in any underwear. He constantly reached his hands up the leg hole of his shorts to reach “peendy” and he’d say so sweetly in his little munchkin voice “I love peendy.” His aunts and uncles are going to be bringing that up in another decade, I’m sure.
Twitter Name: claritychaos
Oh DEAR. I have a girl. So, you know. No wiener stuff.
Well, at least for NOW.
Gulp.
It is getting colder you know so the pube panties might come in handy. But then it probably would have been sticking out of that hole…right?
Thanks so much for the laugh. I had to cover my face @ work!
Great blog, i need some time to think about this. Are there any forums that you recommend I join ?
Thx for your time
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