OH hi! You suck.
Looking to get kicked in the nuts while simultaneously realizing you are the worst parent ever?
Send your kids to preschool.
You potty train(ish) them. You tell them not to hit or bite. You go over counting to ten and pointing out shapes and colors. You make them promise not to eat their boogers or put their fingers in their butt.
You drop them off. You have a good cry. You wander around the grocery store like Anne Heche when she is channeling her alien alter ego, staring at all the random items your 3 year old would be tossing into the cart, had he been there, not at preschool, like a big kid, for 3 whole hours, which totally isn’t long enough to go home and do anything relevant, like plot to kill the woodchuck that is living under your deck mocking you, but is long enough for you to have a separation anxiety induced panic attack and quarterlife crisis in your car in the McDonald’s parking lot.
Then, you return to school, find your place in the car line, behind women in better cars in yours, that won’t make eye contact with you, and you wait…because you are super early…but it gives you a chance to rearrange the Glee songs on your blackberry, which is way more important than any stupid charity work the other mothers are going on and on about.
Your kid comes out, and he looks…older. Like a boy. Not a baby. And you want to tackle him and smother him with mommy kisses, and then you see he is wearing different pants than you dropped him off in, and the teacher comes to your car and is all, hiiiiii, Jude is such a pleasure to have in class, if you could just work on these little things with him, like, teaching him not to piss himself, how to speak coherently, and how eat crackers without me having to pre-chew them first like some kind of bird, that would be great, k? Thanks.
And in your head you are like, what the fuck!? My kid is a genius!
So, you say, wow, I am shocked, he does all those things wonderfully at home, he can even count to 20 in Chinese, I am shocked.
And she is all, um, well he may do it at home, but he doesn’t do it here, sooo no countsies! And, she flicked me in the ear and left me sitting in the car with my jaw agape.
I don’t know, that may not have happened. Things were blurry.
But, it’s then that you realize. No one will ever appreciate how awesome your kid is like you do.
So, you throw his poopy underwear in the trashcan at the gas station, and spend the afternoon driving around drinking cherry icees, listening to the cast of Glee sing Gold Digger, and talking about how much fun he had at preschool that day.
The kids that wet themselves in school always had more fun anyways.
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Twitter: Assertagirl
I hope I’m a fun mom like you are!
assertagirl´s last blog ..35 weeks pregnant: Pregnant women shouldn’t try to multi-task!
@assertagirl, You will be, I met you, I adore you, and can guarentee, you will NOT be an un-fun mom!
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
The teacher may not appreciate him quite as much as you do, but honestly, I was a daycare teacher for years and I LOVED my kids. Loved, loved, loved them. Still tell stories about the funny things they did. I hope he has one of those teachers. And poop or pee in the pants at 3? Totally not a big deal. I dealt with several pants changes a day in my three year old classroom. This is awesomely written, I loved it. :)
Susan (woo222)´s last blog ..Weekend of Petty Crime
@Susan (woo222), Thank you, and I think she is that special kind of teacher. I worked at a children’s camp for a while, and it’s amazing how different it is on the other side of the coin. I take everything SO personally now!
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
Excellent. I always feel like I’m the only one singled out by the preschool teacher…with my daughter, it was EVERY DAY. With my son…he’s better, but still. And my kid is a genius. Seriously- he can write all of his letters, he does his sister’s 2nd grade spelling tests (correctly!), blah blah blah, but at preschool…ugh.
psumommy´s last blog ..
@psumommy, I KNOW! I think, God my child is brilliant, can he tie his shoes? NO. But, he can draw and sing and count backwards…
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
Bah!!! This cracked me up and sent me back in time. I can TOTALLY hear the tone and the look on the teacher’s face. Three cheers for peeing your pants! Woot!
jennifer juniper´s last blog ..Spooky Fall Decorating
@jennifer juniper, YES. I almost peed my pants right there as a sign of solidarity.
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
Twitter: MBonn
@Brittany, Ala Billy Madison! “You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.”
I’m pretty sure my boss has said at least a couple of those things about me, so I think you’re still way ahead of the game ;)
Autumn Dahlia´s last blog ..Mr. A can SUCK IT.
@Autumn Dahlia, HILARIOUS. And just an fyi, they can’t deny you the raise you SO deserve just because you pee your pants.
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
You know, since my daughter is now 9, I’m kinda missin those days. Glad I have a 1 year old to look forward to this.
Plus, I’d be proud. Your kid just doesn’t want to be a show off.
Kara´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday **The Grand Finale of Summer…we hope!**
@Kara, Seriously, he is just being humble as to not blow everyone else out of the water based on his sheer awesomeness. Good point!
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
I’m on the short train to menopause over here, so I’m thinking I can opine with some degree of authority that bladder control is seriously overrated. I mean, come on– how else are you going to judge the degree of hilarity when you’re laughing or the intensity level of your sneeze if not for a little, um, leakage in that area?
Your kid is totally still a genius. Albeit a slightly damp one. Not unlike myself.
Babybloomr´s last blog ..Indulge me while I have a little ‘Mother Moment’ here, won’t you? **Edited to add**
@Babybloomr, You are a genius! Pee level is the only TRUE way to gauge things as I age. Jason Bateman? Lots of pee. Clay Aiken? Not so much.
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
@Brittany, YOU’RE in love with Jason too?! Oh boy, I’ve got some video to share with you!
Shelby´s last blog ..Wine Flu
rofl Brilliant! …and true from what I recall of when we first sent my sister off into the wilds.
Beth´s last blog ..The Guild S3E7
@Beth, Thank you! This will definitely stick in my memory, but I hope it doesn’t stick in his:)
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
ha ha ha ;-)
YAY for GLEE and good times with Cherry Icees. He’ll remember those times far more than the others ;) xo
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Jill’s Story
@rachel-asouthernfairytale, THIS. Exactly. I want him to remember how fun it was, and not feeling bad about the peeing thing.
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
Twitter: alotofnothing
“flicked me in the ear” totally happened. Don’t down-play that. Preschool teachers are so judgmental.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..I can totally sing all the words to Pour Some Sugar on Me, but the awesomesauceness of a Yukon Denali Hybrid overshadowed my singing abilities. Apparently.
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], OMG. I should take a picture of my still swollen ear RIGHT NOW.
Brittany´s last blog ..Everything I learned about girls, I learned from the internet. I am pretty much a scientist.
i love this!! i have a granddaughter that just started preschool and this really hit home for me! of course, she is the smartest kid in the world and probably the cutest also but for some reason they might not think so at school. she does have a problem with keeping her clothes on. she likes to sleep in her panties and doesn’t really care if anyone sees her. so we kept telling her that when she naps at school to try and keep her clothes on. so after a few days i asked her if she has been keeping her clothes on and she said NO. i said well do the other kids laugh at you and she said YES. i asked her if her teacher was mad and she said NO……she said it was ok as long as i take a nap!!!
@rose, I can soooooo feel you on this! Ever since I pottytrained my boys, I CANNOT keep pants on them!
Oh like she NEVER peed in her pants when she was little??? Ugh to her. Cannot stand that condescending tone…..
aussiechic´s last blog ..A first birthday party…..
@aussiechic, Dude, I would be lying to YOUR FACE if I said I still didn’t pee my pants.
Oh lord. I SO know. I KNOW you know it gets better with time… and your kid is totally awesome in every way. Some of those preschool teachers should have the smugness flicked right off their faces. Gaaa! Or punched in the neck – but that should be reserved for graduation day, I think.
grumble girl´s last blog ..How to Top the Barack-O-Lantern?
@grumble girl, Yes, as soon as he graduates, I am free to throat punch, yes?
He’ll get more comfortable, his awesomeness will be evident, and the accidents won’t happen anymore. Until then, keep up with the cherry slush and Gleeeeee.
Michelle´s last blog ..Grand Rapids, Michigan
@Michelle, Thanks! Now, he is rocking it, this was at the beginning, so it’s alllll good in the hood….although…we still drive around with milkshakes and singing Glee.
Perfectly great way to start my day! I remember the same feelings when my daughter went to preschool for the first time. Thanks!
@Stephanie, Thanks, and I am still crying in my car when I drop him off, that doesn’t change, right?
You are my hero. That is all.
Shauna´s last blog ..Why you shouldn’t take drugs
@Shauna, DITTO!
I wanna come drive around and listen to GLEE songs with you!!!
Allison´s last blog ..Top Chef Week 8: Pigs and Pinot
@Allison, Jesus. Please move here.
Twitter: Heather Durdil
Preschool teachers just don’t realize genius when they are in front of it is my thought. I remember The Chicken in preschool and the teacher was so befuddled because she wouldn’t recite her phone number and address. She asked the teacher why she needed this information. The teacher said in case of an emergency you will need to call someone and tell them. The Chicken replied “I have three numbers for you 9-1-1. You call that in case of emergency and my momma told me that they can see where you are calling from on their computer. Problem solved.”
Don’t ask me how many minutes I had to explain the genius of that answer to the teacher at conferences. Yes, preschool conferences! GAh!
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..His Name is Logan
@Domestic Extraordinaire, OMG, our kids inherited our GENIUS gene!!
One day last week my nephew (who is in kindergarten) came home in different clothes he left in. I didn’t know, because I wasn’t awake when he got on the bus, so when he got off the bus I didn’t notice. I made him his snack and sent him to my aunt’s house for the afternoon.
My sister called me later that night and asked me what he was wearing when he got off the bus, and she was angry. I told her, and she freaked out. His clothes were in a plastic bag in his backpack. Without a note. Apparently these days they don’t send a note home when your kid has an accident. Boy was she pissed!
At least the teacher TOLD you.
Jaime´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: My First Time
@Jaime, YUCK! Nothing like a baggy of soaked pee clothes. I would just toss it!
My daughter had accidents even after she turned four and they still make her wear a pull up at nap time because she has the occasional sleeping accident. Don’t sweat it. Bladder control is relative. If the other clothes thing bothered you then just send an extra set of pants and underwear in his back pack. No biggie.
Jennifer´s last blog ..One Year Ago Today
@Jennifer, Bladder control is relative.-> I want that on a Tshirt!
When my cousin’s little boy went to kindergarten he got sent home with notes from the teacher every day. The 5th one was TWO PAGES long. That is so going to be my kid, and honestly he and I will probably laugh about it over Oreo’s.
@jenbshaw, Why can’t we be neighbors?
I forgot to pack a change of clothes for Lars after he spilled milk all over his two weeks before. Of course he peed his pants. He peed his pants because he couldn’t get them unbuttoned in time. He now has a huge phobia about peeing his pants after the embarrassment that he suffered. So we have to buy these special kind of pants that only The Gap makes and of course they never go on sale. But I would refinance my house for these pants before I ever make him suffer that embarrassment again. And I totally felt like a shitty mommy when I showed up to change his clothes because he had to sit in his pee pants until I got there.
Meredith´s last blog ..The Bachelorette Party
We’ve all been there… My oldest decided to celebrate her first day of preschool by taking a bite out of the arm of the girl next to her. Luckily they let her come back!
Donna´s last blog ..Always. Sometimes. Never.
OMG!!..completely LMAO!!!..its so funny..i mean i had these exact thoughts just yesterday at my 1st graders very 1st P.T. conf.! her teacher told me she needs help in areas i know she doesn’t..and i went back to my car and literally said ‘WTF!!”…trust me-i KNOW my kid is a GENIUS!!..i was all geared up to ask about the gifted program..lol..i mean she IS smart enough to hide 3 days worth of work in her desk w/o her teacher ever finding it-even when the teacher ACTUALLY did look in her desk for it!..lol..my daughter later pulled it out of her desk infront of her teacher from a well hidden spot….ahhhh…pure genius!!
loved the article, kristi
Yeah, I can’t wait for that next year, when my son may or may not be totally potty trained. And thanks to my husband, I’ll be lucky if my conversation doesn’t include how certain words are unacceptable coming from a toddler. You know, like the S-word and the F-word. Oh who am I kidding, y’all read my blog, it isn’t ALL hubby’s fault, just mostly. Yeah, teacher person; flick him, I’m innocent and shit.
Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Hey Today Show and Neiman Marcus, Kiss My Po’ A**
Thats going to be my kid next year. I’m terrified she’s going to call the teacher a cracker(my husband is the biggest nerd). Or tell her that I spank her and lock her in the garage when she is bad. (my husband told her that once while they were joking around and now she tells everyone)(I don’t really do that) Not everyone has the same kind of humor we do. Unfortunitly my 3 year old doesn’t know that.
Twitter: mommabird2345
We were lucky, my daughter’s preschool teacher was aware of her awesomeness. :)
She is still awesome, but her Kindergarten teacher doesn’t know it yet. She sends home homework that my daughter has been able to do since she was 2.
My daughter looks at me like “why are you making me do all this stuff I already know?”. It might be a looong year.
at least you were able to potty train(ish) him. my kids are banned from preschool because they still refer to the toilet as ‘a little bubble bath’… and no, i don’t know why there are bubbles in the toilet. back off, already.
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Flashback Friday!
@MommyNamedApril,
Yeah… what IS that?? :)
Traci´s last blog ..What do you think of this guy?
Thank you so much for writing this! Thank you! I thought it was just me who felt like that with my 3 year old. It was really starting to overwhelm me. PS I also read your regular blog and PS I think we live in the same city!
Biscotti´s last blog ..First Impression Friday: Go Paint!
As usual…. you kill me
Traci´s last blog ..What do you think of this guy?
I remember making the conscious decision to wet my pants on the first day of kindergarten. We were in the circle on the floor (criss cross applesauce!) and, although I hadn’t done it in years, I wet my pants. I have no idea why. And all of my report cards that year said that I was way ahead of the curve in that class. So don’t worry, maybe it is the sign of genius. (Warning: I did not display as much promise during my teenage years.)
Rachel ´s last blog ..My Kind of Romance
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