Yes, that is a totally sensational post title, reminiscent of one of my favourite guilty pleasures: British Tabloid Headlines but OH MAH GAWD, I think it might be true.
She is trying to kill me and make it look like natural causes.
Here is my proof:
Hallowe’en has to be one of my most favourite times of year. Besides the obvious (CANDY CANDY CANDY and did I mention candy?), my husband and I bonded over horror movies and our shared love of all things scary made us totally devoted to ghouls.
Mind you, once I gave birth to our child that predilection changed ever so slightly. Specifically, I cannot tolerate movies with creepy kids anymore. The Ring? GAH! Ju-On? GAH! GAH! Låt den rätte komma in? GAH! GAH! GAH! Children of the Corn? Still a stupid movie but GAH! GAH! GAH! GAH!
Add creepy kids to the clown pile and stick a fork in me because DONE DONE DONE with clowns and creepy kids.
Anyhow, during this time of year we watch as many fright flicks without children in the cast or attendance in order to psyche ourselves up (or is that out?) and I think our four-year old daughter is taking advantage of this fact.
That brings me back to the suspected matricide. For weeks my daughter has been getting up in the middle of the night (something she blessedly didn’t really do once she graduated to her big girl bed) and coming into our room at 1am, 3 am, or 4am and trying to kill me.
Wait, that didn’t come out right. REWIND.
She has been coming into our room in the following manner:
- Quietly opens the door to our room
- Allows aforementioned door swing open slowly for full effect (did she actually add that squeak to the door because damn, I never noticed it before)
- Stands in doorway silently and makes sure she is backlit by hall light so that all I see is a creepy small silhouette that could be coming to kill me in my sleep therefore inducing a heart attack while simultaneously making me poop my pants because my bedroom door just suddenly opened in the middle of the night
- Loudly announce that she cannot sleep or that she is thirsty or that she saw Dick Cheney in her closet
It doesn’t matter how often this happens. I will poop my pants (not really — but damn close) and require something like a shot of tequila to restore a normal heart rhythm in my chest. And while I lie there trying not to soil myself, my husband will slowly groan and say “not again” because like a bad horror movie sequel, she keeps coming back.
This is one horror franchise I could live without. Perhaps I should hook my daughter with the guys who keep cranking out Saw movies because DAMN, she’s good and they could really use some help.
About Katie Motherbumper
Oh! That does sound hugely frightening… I hate scary movies (and anything with clowns – even birthday parties) so I say go for the tequila, and maybe you won’t even hear her at the door in your drunken slumber.
@grumble girl, comfortably numb sounds good to me ;)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Chipmunk told me he was talking to a man in the ceiling once.
Gah.
Twitter Name: mariamelee
@Maria, That? That is the stuff good horror movies are made of right there. Thanks Chipmunk for adding to my nightmares ;)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
@Maria,
That actually reminds me of my 4yo telling me that are people in her walls moving things around in her room. And I might believe her.
Just wait until your husband reads this and, subsequently, dresses your daughter in a clown costume tonight. Just to make sure that her next 3am sojourn sends you screaming over the edge once and for all.
Twitter Name: twobusy
@TwoBusy, DON’T GIVE HIM ANY IDEAS PLEASE. Because seriously, a clown at 3am is enough to kill anyone, even Dick Cheney.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I don’t start worrying until they show up with a raised meat cleaver.
@Kelly Duffy, You are a stronger and braver woman than me Kelly. I just hope when my daughter is big enough to actually raise a meat cleaver, she will be over this trying to kill her momma phase.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Does she have long hair down to her waste? Because mine does and that totally adds to the creepy factor.
When I was little my mother would tell me, “do not just stand in the door you have to call out to me.” I guess I would get scared and go stand in her room; thereby scaring the hell out of her.
@Jennifer – Actually, I think that would be scarier. Seriously, to wake up with someone staring at you is FREAKY.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Not only does my 4 year old do the EXACT.SAME.THING down to the creaking door and backlight, but she also has a different scene where I wake up and she is standing right next to me silently staring at me. It freaks me out so much that I now am afraid to open my eyes if I wake up in the middle of the night or go back into my bedroom if I wake to use the bathroom because I am convinced there will be a ghost in my room watching me with a long flowing white nightgown and long blond flowing hair. Sort of like how I still won’t look in the mirror in the middle of the night because I’m convinced I will see Bloody Mary.
@Julie B., BLOODY MARY – ohhhhhh I’m kinda tempted to try that in the mirror right now but I’m taking no chances. Thanks for the grade six sleepover flashback ;)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Anything to do with Dick Cheney is suspect. Watch her VERRRY carefully!
Twitter Name: izzymom
@IzzyMom, I can’t remember: is it a stake through the heart or a silver bullet that kills a Cheney? Need to stock up on my protection.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Note to self: somehow lock child in his room when he is old enough to get out of bed himself.
@Jen, And folks say they never learned anything from me :)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
One of my girls did that to me way day and creeped me the hell out for sure!!! I kept saying “Alexis?? Alexis?? Whats wrong? What are you doing?” And she would not answer! She just stood there, staring with a blank look on her face! My heart was out of my chest for sure. This coupled with that fact that she speaks more knowledge than any 6 year old that I have ever met before and she grasps concepts that only a 35-year old is supposed to lead me to believe that she has been here before! ;)
Twitter Name: littletechgirl
@Kris Cain, If Gigi refused to speak I WOULD WIG OUT FOR SURE. Seriously, I think they are trying to kill us Kris.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Hee Hee Hee :-)
So, she’s obviously following the instruction manual that my kids sent her.
@rachel-asouthernfairytale, Revenge will be mine and when least expected (kidding) (or am I?) (no really I am kidding but did they send her a manual or book-on-tape because how does she know exactly how to bring me to the brink without committing a crime? HOW?)
Twitter Name: motherbumper
This made me laugh. Kids always seem to come in when you’re in your deepest REM sleep, too.
@Jodi, I think kids know to hit exactly at deep REM because they got the manual from @rachel-asouthernfairytale ‘s children.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I, too, have the scarier scenario where the 3 year old sneaks and stand staring at me silently exactly at my eye level. It freaks me out to no end every single time I open my eyes and she is standing there.
@Michele, I once woke up to find my husband staring right into my face and seriously had a heart attack. How children know that doing this is completely freaky, is beyond me.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I have a 4yrold that does this too, it must be the age?
That would freak me out. Serioualy.
Twitter Name: Janie Snelson
Clowns just AIN’T right. All that is wrong with the world can be traced back to CLOWNS. Mutha Uckas.
Recently my 5 yr old daughter did something similar. It was the middle of the night. I was sound asleep when I suddenly felt a presence. I opened my eyes and there she was, standing there, in the dark, about 7 inches from my face, staring at me. Talk about freaking me out! I jumped and my heart was racing. I vaguely remember what she wanted, I was too traumatized.
Twitter Name: mommabird2345