My kids are generally quite open and honest. This is good because they are incredibly inept at lying.
A prime example comes in the form of my son, the emotional pendulum known as Thing 2, when it comes to brushing his teeth.
If he has cleaned his crooked off-whites, it’s all sweetness and chubby angelic cheeks and here, Daddio — have a whiff of my minty Colgate breath. If he hasn’t, he’ll lie right to your face, providing your disembodied head is floating somewhere up near the ceiling because that is where is eyes roll up toward when he lets the bull fly.
“Let me smell your breath.”
“Maahh! You don’t believe me! Waaaaaaah!”
“If you brushed, then let me get a snootful of that fluoridey freshness.”
“Meanie!”
“Dude, I felt the toothbrush and it’s not wet. It’s been three days since the bathroom was cleaned, yet the sink contains no globs of blue goo. And I marked the level of the anti-cavity rinse with a line on the bottle this morning and — boo-yah — it’s unchanged.”
“You HATE me!”
For a kid who has had four cavities fixed already at age 7, he’s unusually stubborn about this.
He’s also unusually oblivious. This is not the first time I’ve laid out how I compile all the evidence against him when he tries to fib his way out of brushing. Why doesn’t he just run the brush under the water, put a dab of toothpaste on his tongue and a mess in the sink, and dump a little rinse out? I think it’s because deep down, he’s morally good and grounded.
And somewhat lazy.
What’s a dad to do with a young ‘un who refuses to practice good oral hygiene even though said young ‘un maintains a diet based on all the major members of the -ose family: glucose, fructose, dextrose, etc?
I’ve tried reward charts, punishments, electric toothbrushes, musical toothbrushes, toothbrushes shaped like fire trucks, toothpastes featuring cartoon characters, toothpastes endorsed by TV stars — you know, everything a good American would try except standing there and actually watching him brush because that would make me a helicopter parent and he needs to learn responsibility.
And, I’m somewhat lazy.
After one recent argument with him over his failure to brush and greater failure to lie convincingly about his previous failure, I rhetorically asked:
“What do I have to do to get you to brush your teeth?”
Since rhetoric, like penmanship, is not part of the second grade curriculum in our town, Thing 2 answered plainly:
“Drop your pants.”
So I did.
As graceful a ‘half monty’ as a desperate dad could muster. (Boxer-briefs, don’t fail me now!)
And no sooner did the pants hit the floor then up the stairs he scurried, twisted the tap and began to brush.
Whoa.
Maybe I’m on to something here?
Next, I will attempt to resolve the Palestinian-Israeli conflict.
For that, though, I may need an assistant.
And a wax job.
Taking your pants off to get your kids to do stuff? Count us in! Thanks Kevin, for this hilarious Three Day Weekend submission! Find Kevin on his blog, Always Home and Uncool, and on twitter!
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I also know this hell. What is it about the brushing they hate so much?! Maybe I should try dropping trou too…
Haha! This is hilarious! Think of all of the problems that could be solved if we all just dropped our pants…
Wow. I wonder why “drop your pants” was the first thing that came to mind? He-he :)
Twitter Name: mommaruthsays
I think maybe I run around with my pants off way too much for this to have any real impact. EXCEPT…WAIT! I could promise to put mine BACK ON. We may be on to something.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Wonder if his little brain is churning with other “interesting” feats you can perform for a gob of spit in the sink? Perhaps he’s onto something :)
Twitter Name: toywithme
My boy child goes in for 2 seconds and comes and says “I’m done”. The hell?
I’m trying to find that “Yuck mouth” commercial from when I was younger.
That and only that might carry some weight. I’d traumatize him if I dropped my pants ;)
Twitter Name: twinmomoftwinz
I was very stubborn as a child about anything hygenic. It was a phase for sure. I wouldn’t wash with soap and I got caught on that one because I lied. The soap was up by the shower and dry…busted. I loved not brushing and getting away with it. Then I woke up one day with a gum boil. It was painful and I had to get a baby molar pulled. My mother informed me the tooth fairy will not take cavities that were pulled out by the dentist. It was a big waste of a tooth and teeth were money. How else does a seven year old earn money without doing chores?
I just had to forward this on.
Ooof! Heh.
Twitter Name: Al_Pal
I have the *same* problem with my daughter. (Complete with the “You hate me!” but with an added stomp, stomp, SLAM! for full tween girl effect.)
I would have asked you for money. I wonder if that will work on my husband. hmmmm, You have got me scheming!
Oh have I heard the, “you hate me” before. FYI: don’t give away all the clues, he’ll catch on fast.
I just tell my kids that if they don’t brush they are going to get massive holes in their teeth and the dentist will yell at them. It’s much better if they think someone other than their parents is going to get mad at them.
Twitter Name: Melissa Siig
I don’t get it – my son does the same darn thing! He also has this issue with, say, washing his body in the shower as well as his head. For his teeth, I always point out that “there’s gunk on there” and he says “BUT I BRUSHED!” – ok, where is the disconnect? I’m presenting you with solid evidence here!
I tell him it smells like a wet dog and he gets indignant and frustrated and teary-eyed like I’m accusing him of having killed the cat(s) or something. Why do kids want to be smelly and gross?!
I’ve never dropped my pants to get him to do anything, though I would if I had to, I suppose! As one of the commenters above mentioned, I think I walk around w/o pants enough as it is.
So, when are you heading over here to solve our regional conflict? ;) while at it, if you can get my second son to brush his teeth that would be great!