Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

I was talking to my husband, Shaun, about crazy parents that screw up their kids.  I was bitching about some of the other moms at my son’s school and wondering how they were even allowed to breed these spawn of Satan, when I wondered what people say about me.

ME: Honey, what is the thing that scares you the most about the way I mother our spawn?
SHAUN: (without any hesitation) You lie to them.  All the time.
ME: Shaun, that is just to save their lives.
SHAUN: Come on, Meredith. Lars thinks everyone in a wheelchair played in the street.
ME: Good. Keeps him out of the street. And screw you! You didn’t even have to think about that for a second.

So I pondered on this problem that my better half gave me, and I decided that if I really think about the things I am telling these kids about life – 90% of it is a lie. By these kids, it’s mainly the seven year old because the other two are babies, but I fully intend to tell the babies the same things.

LIE #1
I remember the very first time that my seven year old had a (I can’t believe I am sharing this) little stiffy. He was yelling, “Mommy, my wiener! My wiener!” from his bedroom.

ME: Shaun, go in there and tell him not to touch it!
SHAUN: Why? It’s natural.
ME: He’s 4! Not 14! Go tell him not to touch it! I don’t want the weird kid that is always grabbing at himself! We had to wait six months to get him in this pre-school!
SHAUN: You go talk to him if you feel so strongly about it. He’s fine.

ME: Lars, honey. Don’t play with your wiener. If you play with it too much you will go blind.
LARS: Is that why Daddy wears glasses?
ME: Yes. He is going blind.

LIE #2
LARS: Mommy, when you have the baby, how does it come out?
ME: Well, ummm…ummm….You just poop it out! Yes, I will just poop the baby out like a big pile of poop.
LARS: Will it be in the toilet when it comes out?
ME: Yes, but a special clean toilet without water and it’s at the hospital. And doctors will be there and they will help me.
LARS: Will it hurt?
ME: Just a little bit.
LARS: How did the baby get in there?
ME: God put it there.
LARS: Okay.

Whew…that was a close one.

LIE #3
LARS: Uncle Chris wants me to go tubing with him and my cousins on Lake Erie.
ME: No way.
LARS: But, Mommy, I will wear my life jacket.
ME: Nope. You are not going to get pulled behind a boat on a tube at 30 mph on a rough lake when you can’t even swim very well.
LARS: Mommy, please! Uncle Chris says that I will be fine in my life jacket.
ME: Uncle Chris is lying. You will be so wet and slippery that you will fall out of your life jacket and sink and die. Your arms will just slide right through the arm holes and it will come off over your head. No way, no how.
LARS: Okay, Mommy.  I don’t want to drown.
ME:  Good.

LIE #4
ME: You see that guy in a wheelchair?
LARS: Yes.
ME: Do you know why he is in a wheelchair?
LARS: No.
ME: He was playing in the street and got hit by a car. I know his sister, and she told me that. The car ran right over his legs and now they don’t work. He can’t run or play or anything ever again. All because he was playing in the street and not watching for cars.
LARS: Mommy, I will always watch for cars.
ME: Good.

LIE #5
ME: Don’t talk to strangers.
LARS: Why?
ME: Because all strangers want to steal you and feed you lima beans and beat you.
LARS: Okay, I won’t talk to strangers.
ME: Good.

LIE #6
ME: Clean your room.
LARS: I don’t want to clean my room right now.
ME: If you don’t clean that room right now, I am calling Santa Claus and telling him to stop production on any toys for you! I have him on speed dial!
LARS: Okay, I’ll clean my room.
ME:  Good.

LIE #7
ME: See that bum over there on the corner?
LARS: Yes.
ME: He has to ask people for money and he doesn’t have anywhere to live. Isn’t that sad?
LARS: Yes.
ME: Do you know why he has to live like that and he doesn’t have a house and things like we do?
LARS: Why?
ME: Because he didn’t pay attention in school and he got red cards every day from his teacher. Daddy and I got green cards everyday and that is why we have things.
LARS: Mommy, I am never going to be bad and get a red card again.
ME: Good.

So there it is. I have warped my child into thinking that things work the way I want him to think that they work. It makes it easier on me. And easy is what I am going for these days. I barely have enough space in my brain to remember to put on my damn deodorant every day. And if that makes me a screwed up mom – then so be it.

Parenthood 101, folks.  Thanks Meredith, for this hilarious Three Day Weekend post!  You can find Meredith at her fabulous new bog, Life’s Crazy Joke, as well as on Twitter!