It occurred to me recently, that if there really is going to be a “Judgement Day”, the odds are I will be in my kitchen. Probably watching reality television while loading the dishwasher, eating cheese.
Jesus: I’m Back.
Me: HOLY-. What – now? Like, ‘BACK’- back?
Jesus: Yup.
Me: So you’re all, ‘today, Wednesday July 30th, is Judgement Day’?
Jesus: Why not.
Me: I don’t know, it’s so random…I thought there’d be, like, storms and volcanoes and stuff.
Jesus: There are no volcanoes in Pennsylvania. Anyway: “He shall come again to judge the living and the dead.” , remember?
Me: Well, can you start with the dead first then come back so I can vacuum?
Jesus: No. (gets out clipboard). Let’s begin. Where are your children?
Me: They’re…um….(sigh). Playing video games in the basement. Crap.
Jesus: What was that?
Me: I said “crap”.
Jesus: (scribbling)..interesting language…
Me: Shit!!!!!!! Ugh.
Jesus: I see you wrote a whole blog post about lying to your husband regarding your spending.
Me: Oh, that. But I got like 50 comments so it’s not just me.
Jesus: Moving on…’gluttony’, check….’sloth’ (looks around) obviously….
Me: Dude – This would be totally clean but I had to read some blogs. First. Then cleaning was next. Then reading scripture to the kids. Then the homeless shelter…then Blockbuster.
Jesus: Please don’t call me ‘Dude’. And I have some concerns regarding the ‘lust’.
Me: Oh, well. That.
Jesus: Says here in my notes: “Josh Holloway. Mark Wahlberg. ‘McDreamy’.'McSteamy’. Mark Ruffalo, 2 karate instructors and a ‘Jonas Brother’. How old is the Jonas Brother.
Me: 19. Pretty sure.
Jesus: (sighs) I’ll get back to you by the end of the day.
Me: Crap.
OMG we are so screwed! Sue, we thank you for this hilarious Three Day Weekend post! You can find Sue, and you simply must find her, at her hilarious blog, Happy Meals & Happy Hour, and also on twitter.
About Guest Writer
I just hope I’m wearing underwear on Judgement Day. And maybe a bra, too. But I highly doubt it. :)
Twitter Name: mommaruthsays
If Judgement Day comes mid-afternoon on a weekday, I’ll probably be napping.
I don’t normally do this, but girl, you should check out my posts here: http://grrlathr.com/category/conversations-with-god/. Just so you know you’ll have company in Hell.
Twitter Name: msmegan
oooo sue lied. she withheld the fact she has a slight obsession w rob pattinson and illegal thoughts about taylor lautner. thought i’d just get that out there. take the focus off of me and all come judgment day lol
Twitter Name: SimplyCiara
I think I’m just going to get passed over for judgment day…why bother wasting your time on an obviously lost cause?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Yeah, I’m totally fucked.
Mark Ruffalo is kind of cute in that needs-a-bath sort of way.
This without a doubt is one of my favorite posts I’ve ever read! Now you’ve got me wondering what might be going on in Dysfunctional-Land when Dude comes back!
I’ve completely accepted that I’m going straight to hell, and I’ve even pre-registered for a seat right next to the big fire, with a case of CabSauv and a HUGE bag of marshmallows. I just know I’m going. Might as well be pro-active. Le sigh.
This made me laugh out loud. Jesus with a clipboard. Too funny.
Also? A Jonas Brother? Really?
Twitter Name: shaunaglenn
Sigh….when does Nick turn 18, again?
Twitter Name: barefootfoodie