I’ve never had aspirations to win a poker tournament, so it’s really not a big deal.  But that’s not really what this post is about.  I mean, I don’t even play poker.  Unless World Poker Tour on the PSP counts.  And if it does, I have a nice ass, a huge perky rack (we all know that’s not true) and a million dollars in the bank.  CHA CHING!

My problem, though, is that even if I played real poker at a real casino at a real table with real people, I’d never be able to win. EVER. Because I’m pretty sure I’d have a tell.  You know what a tell is, right?

A subtle but detectable change in a player’s behavior or demeanor that gives clues to that player’s assessment of his hand.

I’m not sure if I have a poker tell, but I do have a LIFE tell.  A few of them in fact.  And that’s even WORSE.

Because my husband?  Is on to me.

One of my little ones alerts him to the fact that I have big plans for him for the day.  If I start a sentence with “SO, I was thinking…” he knows he’s screwed.  It’s especially bad if I say it first thing in the morning.

It usually goes something like this:

SO, I was thinking we could pull out the lavender on the side of the driveway and replace it with something not dead.

or

SO, I was thinking we could drive North and go to Avila Barn and then take the dog and the kids to the beach.

You get the idea.  It pretty much means he is NOT going to have a relaxing day on the couch watching sports and playing the Wii.

But the worst one?  Is when I answer a question of his and start with “WELL…”

It usually goes something like this:

Him:  You bought new bath towels?

Me:  WELL…the old ones were boring me and didn’t really go with the bathroom any longer.

or

Him: Did you get a new vacuum?

Me: Yup.

Him:  A cheap one?  At Costco?

Me: WELL…I figured that if we were going to spend a couple hundred bucks on a vacuum that I might as well get a GOOD vacuum.  And Costco didn’t have one that I wanted, so I packed the kids up and grabbed the 20% off coupon to Bed, Bath & Beyond and drove 3o minutes to the closest one and bought a GOOD vaccum.

Him:  And how much did that cost me?

Me:  WELL…I had the 20% off coupon, so that helped a great deal.

Can you see where this is going?  Anytime he asks me a question and I know he’s not really going to like my answer I start with “WELL…” and then figure out how to word it JUST RIGHT so that it will make sense, win him over, and prove what a lucky guy he is to be married to such a smart, economical woman and that all my decisions are well thought out and totally not stupid.

The other day, Dylan asked me to get the kid sized wheelbarrow down for him.  I asked him why he needed it.  His answer?

WELL…

I knew it right then and there.  I’m screwed.