I Should Write a Health and Beauty Column

There will be no pictures in this post.  After you have read it, that may be disappointing.  I am trying to hold onto the slightest bit of dignity that I can.

I have had a recurring pimple for the last six months.  I always pick it (because if you’re the type that  just lets a zit sit on your face without picking it, then you are some kind of freak of nature, like my husband “you’ll spread bacteria” bacteria- shmacteria- and I may sneak into your bed at night and pop them, like I do to him, because popping zits is one of life’s guilty pleasures and just good fun anxiety relieving human nature!)

Anyway… my zit… is on the tip of my nose.  I wondered why it kept coming back and why it never really looked much like a zit.

With the help of some equally ignorant people and WebMD, the truth came out.  My zit?  Is a wart. And me? Apparently, I am a fucking witch.  Who else gets WARTS on the tip of their nose?!

So, that night, in my distraught state of convergence into a Wiccan, I read up on home remedies.  For fucking warts.

I read that duct tape gets rid of warts.  Oh yes, I did.  I went to sleep with my nose duct taped.  Oh yes, I did.  My son woke me up asking for lunch money and asked, “what the heck is on your nose?”  I replied with the good old stand-by “none of your damn business.”

The wart, that I will deny to my death ever existed and insist that it was, indeed, a zit, has not returned. Long live duct tape. Now,  I wonder if it will help with that pesky little hair that keeps sprouting from my boob?

Tagged as: home remedies, warts