I am a compulsive shopper. And it’s not the quirky chick-lit kind that has a glossy cover with hot pink lipstick and apple martinis. There is no green scarf, nor is there a magical writing job despite a terrible interview attached to this. If a book were written about my compulsion it would more likely have a picture of me, outside of the Flying J gas station with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in one hand and a shiny plastic turtle with springy appendages in the other. Because I was in the gas station the other night. And I absolutely bought one of those suckers and gave it a good home. (The turtle. I already had the Mad Dog when I walked in).
And that right there – that is my problem. (Again, the turtle. Not the Mad Dog)
I can.
And will.
Shop anywhere.
Of course I frequent the standard haunts. I look totally normal at the mall – even better than normal depending on how trashy the mall. The Queens Center Mall makes me look unbelievably amazing. But the mall is my proverbial crack house, an environment that celebrates the common thread that ties people together. At the mall, I am a part of that house-that-crack-built community mentality– one of many and that makes my compulsion quietly purr like a kitten with warm milk.
It’s my insatiable need to buy things with no regard for the actual retailer or the item. I have purchased the peeing boy wind-up doll from the legless man on the subway who uses his hands to move from car to car in order to peddle that crap. At the Farmer’s Market, I will buy fruit. Beautiful and ripe and delicious. Did I mention that I am allergic? I do not watch the Home Shopping Network because I am terrified that it will lead to me buying a piece of the jewelry that Tori Spelling’s son drooled on while waiting for his mother to stop posing for complaining about the paparazzi so his awesomely creepy grandmother can finally come visit and she can write another book instead of resorting to sending open letters to TMZ.
And I am not even selfish about my habit. Last weekend was my cousin’s daughter’s birthday. I love this child. She is the fucking schnickels. I go to Toys ‘R Us to buy her the OB/GYN Barbie set. It’s what she wants since her mom has become a full-time baby making factory. I walk out of there nearly two hours later with the baby-doc Barbie, a bathtub/toilet set for her to relax in after a long day of delivering plastic babies that clearly do not come from the same gene pool of Ken or Barbie (I think this guy was the frozen sperm donor), clothing for Barbie, a butterfly growing kit, baby-doll stroller, Hannah Montana movie, which pained me more than words will ever be able to encompass. And then I bought this. For me. Because I didn’t even know that you could grow prehistoric fish, let along grow them at home. And I needed it.
But my all-time low came when registering setting up this site. GoDaddy.com. It was my own personal rock bottom. I need to purchase a domain name. Simple. First choices of Meanasasnake.com and thebigduh.com were taken. So I land with anotherhotmess.com. Click Check out. Done? Notevenclose. Daddy himself is looking at me, smirking, with his crazy hair and John Lennon glasses. He knows my weakness. Options. Sign up for three years? Sure. Do you want WordPress Hosting? Yes, but make it Deluxe. Do you want email? Yes. Privacy? Without a doubt. SSL Certificate? Yes. Over $300 later, here I am. And Daddy loves me because he emails me 87 times a day telling me that he does. Tempting me with offers I don’t want to refuse. Optimization. Website building – the list goes on.
With all of this talk about recession and cutbacks and budgeting and making your own socks because you can’t afford to buy new ones, I was starting to feel a smidgen guilty and a wee-bit irresponsible.
And then I made a life-affirming realization. My excessive living is actually helping our economy. For the simple fact that I refuse to make my own socks. And because I buy prehistoric fish and shop at GoDaddy.com. While some people may snicker at my form of patriotism, I think Obama is really, really appreciative that I am working really hard at helping out with the whole economic stimulus thing. And he’s the President, Anissa. His approval totally trumps your mockery.
OMG, you should totally be in Congress or something! Thank you to Lisa, for this hilarious Three Day Weekend post! You can find Lisa at her blog, Another Hot Mess, and on twitter!
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Pmsl! Yeah, looks like you did find the sperm donor… hope he’s paying child support?!
And, did you get prehistoric fries to go with the fish?! x
@Sandy, sadly the prehistoric fish is, well, history. The fries didn’t come with – got those at the drive through, however I am not sure how old they were. The origins of fast food are sketchy at best!
Twitter Name: hotmess75
@Another Hot Mess, lol… yeah, you gotta love Maccy Dees!
@Sandy, Oh yeah… and my daughter used to have “Sea Monkeys”… her favourite was called Andy. (like you can tell the difference!) One sad day, Andy died and I was like…WTF do you do? Goldfish flush….ok?! Nah. Andy had to be frozen into an ice cube and planted under the cherry tree with daffodills on top so he could melt into the soil and feed the flowers! (Yeah… cos that’s what a 6 year old thinks is the right thing to do!?!)
Your posts always have me rolling on the floor! Cheers to being irresponsible, because more stuff = more fun, right? We should hang out. Oh, and big props for keeping the economy from certain collapse! Maybe you, me AND Barack should hang out.
@Lauren Erickson, I will hang out with anyone that celebrates irresponsibility! And considering the fact that I am saving the economy, maybe I will be the next Nobel Peace Prize winner. I would be fine with you starting to campaign for that. Just sayin’…
Twitter Name: hotmess75
Oh you just made me feel so much better about buying a dashboard Jesus and a tiny light up budda doll last week.
@Carissajaded, You need to share your sources my friend. Just this morning, I looked at my dashboard and thought that Jesus was painfully absent. And a tiny light up budda – how do I not own that?
Twitter Name: hotmess75
This is exactly how I show my American pride. By supporting every single one of those AS SEEN ON TV products! Let the frugal ones count their pennies. I’m too busy putting mine in that new electronic-farting piggy bank I just bought from HDI.
Twitter Name: mommaruthsays
@mommaruthsays, Shut. Up. An electronic farting piggy bank? Adding that to the list of things I should have invented myself. Are you a Snuggie owner too? You know, they just came out in designer prints!
Twitter Name: hotmess75
Maybe someone should nominate you for the Nobel Prize for stimulating the economy? I’m thinking you’d be a shoo in…by the way, I have a really nicely packaged bridge for sale if you’re interested. I’m just sayin’.
@The Bare Essentials Today, Okay – second mention of me being Nobel Peace Prize worthy. (No – it doesn’t matter that the first mention I made myself). Just in case I am misreading what I thought was sarcasm in your last line, yes, I am interested. Especially if it has nice packaging. I am a sucker for nice packaging.
Twitter Name: hotmess75
I KNOW your economy thanks you! But please tell me you didn’t buy a Snuggie? Please. There’s just no excuse for buying a blanket with arms, even if it comes in a fetching leopard print…
@grumble girl, I didn’t buy a Snuggie. Well, I did, but it was totally a gift. And the leopard print really is fetching – especially up close.
Twitter Name: hotmess75
Thank you! I too try to support our economy whenever and wherever possible as evidenced by my daughters rather large key chain collection (she’s 3).
By the way I totally think Godaddy.com has some sort of hypnosis type thing going on on there website, I bought way too much there myself!
Thanks for a great post!
Um…you should remember that I haz a birthday in Feb!! I like bright shiny things. Like vampires.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew