A Downer About Uppers

Tue, Oct 13, 2009

It’s good to laugh. I do believe laughter is the best medicine – depending on how many milligrams of Xanax you’re getting. I try to laugh as much as I can. Sometimes my honesty is funny. And honestly, sometimes it’s not.

I struggle with depression.

I have struggled with depression my whole life – back when they didn’t readily diagnose depression because it brought to mind the stigma of straight jackets and shock treatments. Instead, I was diagnosed with “an ulcer” at the age of 10, given antacids and forbidden to watch the evening news.

In college, after a bad break-up and thoughts of suicide, I was finally given ‘the label’. After being studied in an out-patient treatment facility, the psychologist determined my sickness linked back to my parent’s divorce, my father’s alcoholism, that I had grown up too fast and carried the stresses of trying to keep it all together and please everyone.

While those were all true and still may be, that was not why I was depressed.

I come from a long line of crazy. It’s in my blood. An internal imbalance that creates a dissatisfaction – like an itch you cannot reach no matter how hard you try. A desire to reach the unreachable self-expectations. A sadness that eats away at you, stifles your productivity and creates an uncomfortable sensation in the smallest things. A yearning to cry that takes your breath away. An illusive fatigue that exhausts you and makes you want to sleep it off with thoughts of not waking up.

I watched my mom cry, curled up in a fetal position and sleep in till noon on her bad days. I pleaded with my dad on the phone while he was on one of his drunken rages – threatening to end it all – while images of the rifle in his closet cluttered my mind. I have stood over a beloved aunt and a young cousin that have both taken their own lives – not in judgment or simply mourning, but with empathy, I understood that place that they were at. Hoping upon hope that I could keep a handle on this family curse, that I was strong enough to beat it.

I’ve seen therapists all of my life, but it wasn’t until recently, that I agreed to the medications being offered. I was stubborn, I thought I was invincible, and I didn’t need the judgement that accompanies the good old fashioned shame of being nuts.

Screw that.

For so long, I expected perfection from myself. I am far from perfect and it was killing me. My inadequacies were many and I couldn’t keep up anymore. Life was overwhelming and I needed to be able to catch my breath and lighten up my perception and my own demands. I was tired of wanting to cry. I was tired of being so hard on myself. I was tired.

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Tena, author of 26 post(s) on Aiming Low.

You can find Tena from My Therapy in her journey to discovering what’s next. Recovering “do-it-all” mommy finally realizing that this thankless, breakneck, under paid job of stay at home mom may not be for her after all – just 11 years, 4 kids, loss of youth and firmness and many an identity crisis too late. I’ve served my time keeping up the image of doting soccer mom, chauffeur, room mother, cop’s trophy wife and have come to the realization that perfection is tiring. My kids are all toilet trained, fed, and semi-literate, essentially, my job here is done. I now spend my time watching reality TV and trying to compose a theory for how long it is acceptable in society to go without a shower.

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43 Responses to “A Downer About Uppers”

Assertagirl Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:07 am

Tena, I can’t imagine anyone reading this post and NOT finding something of themself in there somewhere. For me it was watching MY mom curl up, crying and screaming through her own depression.

The drugs can be good. Very good.
Assertagirl´s last blog ..Days of thanks.

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:20 am

@Assertagirl, I hope so Amy. I don’t want my kids to have memories of me losing it- I remember how helpless I felt.

Cheers to drugs.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Maria Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:08 am

Love you lady. This was brave and beautiful.
Maria´s last blog ..fear and ninjas

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:21 am

@Maria, thanks, I love you more!
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

rachel-asouthernfairytale Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:28 am

Tena, you are so awesome. Thank you for writing this! It takes a lot of guts to stand up and face this and then to write so wonderfully about it, too.
LOVE you.
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Win a Custom Twitter Background

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:08 pm

@rachel-asouthernfairytale, you’re awesome too- Rach- thanks for the cheer- always!
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Secret Agent Mama Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:34 am

Now, you, you have kahoonas! I commend you for writing this, Tena. It’s something that so many need to read. ((HUGS))
Secret Agent Mama´s last blog ..Moms Rock Birmingham

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:08 pm

@Secret Agent Mama, You didn’t know about my kahoonas?
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

melissa Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:44 am

courageous and beautifally written. and yes to “…my sickness linked back to my parent’s divorce, my father’s alcoholism, that I had grown up too fast and carried the stresses of trying to keep it all together and please everyone”

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 9:33 am

@melissa, I think so many of us have lived that, right?
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

kimmad Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:55 am

I’ve been there, and on meds for about 13 years now. And I still struggle. For me, the breaking point came with my sister’s death when she was 30. And not because we were close, but because we weren’t close (if that makes sense). But yeah, definitely come from a long line of crazy myself. And it took a lot to admit I needed help. And I wasn’t diagnosed until well into my 20’s, although I have struggled all my life (like you, before they put the label on it – I had “nervous stomach”. HA!)

Thanks for writing about your struggle, it makes the rest of us seem less alone. :) I hope things get better for you.

Kim

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 9:33 am

@kimmad, I get it. Thank you for sharing.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Denise Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 9:07 am

I went through a wicked bout of Depression after divorcing my first husband. It was horrible and I can’t imagine living with it all my life. I hope that you take your meds and do everything to help yourself feel better. HUGS
Denise´s last blog ..The Sound of Sleigh Bells Book Review- GIVEAWAY

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:10 pm

@Denise, Thanks, Denise. I think a divorce would make me need to cut back on the meds a little- but that’ll be our little secret.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 9:30 am

I know a smidgen of how you feel, and I can honestly say I wish I didn’t and I wish you didn’t feel those things.

I’m glad you’re treating it and have found a solution to living day-to-day.

I’m always here for you.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..My kids have caught the Aiming Low bug

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:11 pm

@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], we sure as hell don’t choose to feel this way, do we?
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Jo Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 10:43 am

Great post, TenaKim!
Jo´s last blog ..The Life of Ace

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:11 pm

@Jo, Thanks!
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Finn Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 10:48 am

Thank God for drugs. I’m not thrilled with having to take a pill every day to feel normal, but I need to feel normal so I do it.

Better living through chemistry, I say.
Finn´s last blog ..To Be Or Not To Be

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:12 pm

@Finn, I was hard headed about it- but whatever it takes, I guess.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

AmylK Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:38 am

You are a very brave person to write about this. I was on meds for a period of time and worked hard with my therapist to be able to come off of them. My depression was situational and I was able to come off the meds. But knowing that I needed them was a hard thing to admit.

I love reading your blog! You are the best.
AmylK´s last blog ..Yesterday in Pictures

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm

@AmylK, You made my day- thanks! Glad you’re able to be drug free by choice- what you do recreationally is NOT my business.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

wifey Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:50 am

Thank you for being so brave and “outing” the feelings that so many of us feel. I appreciate that you are able to make me laugh one day and get teary another. (Sometimes both in the same post.)
wifey´s last blog ..When Birds Break Your Concentration.

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:14 pm

@wifey, you laugh and cry and laugh and cry and then it turns into the ugly cry- aren’t hormones and loose screws fun? Thank you!!
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Karen Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:53 am

The stigma around depression can be so evil, which is so weird as it’s not that uncommon. We don’t like to talk about it for fear of being a nut job or something only to find out that many of us suffer from the same thing.

I hope the meds are helping, there’s certainly no shame in using them to help. Sometimes therapy just isn’t enough. Some person (probably a woman) decided that people needed help they just couldn’t get from therapy and created uppers. She was thinking of you. And me. Hang in there.
Karen´s last blog ..What happens in Vegas

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

@Karen, absolutely. It’s like VD in the 70’s – everyone had it, but was embarassed- not me- I was a kid, but that’s what I hear.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Jenn Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:59 am

It takes a lot of courage to open up your closet and share this, and for one, appreciate it.

This could be a page right out of my own family history….to the “T”. I also come from a LONG line of crazy and it was bound to trickle down to me as well. It really hit me hard after the birth of my 3rd child and finally accepted the meds they offered. I am a new woman know and a much better (most of the time) parent to my kids.

Thanks again for sharing your story and soo glad to hear that you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel ;)

Best,
Jenn
Jenn´s last blog ..Changes are coming

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:17 pm

@Jenn, Yes, mine got progressively worse as I had more kids, too. I guess the demands that I was putting on myself became greater. Good luck to you and thanks.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

grumble girl Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Oh darlin’,

I’m sorry your in this place, and even more sorry that you’ve been there for so long… but yay for you for getting some meds to help you cope a little easier – it’s not nuts to need it OR admit it… you are a tres brave woman. Good for you. I’m sending you love and hugs. Be well!!
grumble girl´s last blog ..Thankful and Stuff

grumble girl Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

Uh, that’s “you’re” – I’m not completely illiterate.
grumble girl´s last blog ..Thankful and Stuff

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:18 pm

@grumble girl, thanks for your kind words and your grammar correction- that would’ve put me over the edge- kidding- mostly.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

mommaruthsays Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 1:37 pm

“I was stubborn, I thought I was invincible, and I didn’t need the judgement that accompanies the good old fashioned shame of being nuts.”

I love this. True that! Ditto! Word! Amen! This is the kind of situation where “drugs, not hugs” works better than the opposite.
mommaruthsays´s last blog ..I almost picked this one…or that one.

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:20 pm

@mommaruthsays, Everyone’s different, but that’s what I need. It doesn’t take away the problem, just makes it more manageable on a day to day basis.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

Karl Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Ditto. Fought depression all of my life. It’ll be a battle I fight through the rest of it, too.

You have to do what you have to do, babe. Whatever it takes. For me, that means meds. And therapy. And probably exercise, but I refuse to do that crap.
Karl´s last blog ..Tell Me There’s a Reason Why I’m Seeing What I Do

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 3:22 pm

@Karl, you HAD to go there, didn’t you? I was feeling pretty good about things until you reminded me of the exercising- urgh! You’re right though, it does help, but it’s too hard to work out while working on the computer. When I figure out how to multi-task that- maybe I’ll consider it.

Thanks for the comment, Karl.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

alisha Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 5:08 pm

I have also seen my mom go through depression she wanted to die. It was stressful. I have had depression and suicidal thoughts in my own life and I always hid them and kept them to myself. This weekend I went to a funeral for a 25 year old man (4 years younger than I am). I have known him since he was a baby. I held his mom while she sobbed. He took his own life by falling backwards off of a bluff. He never told anyone he was depressed and contemplating suicide. I saw so much pain this weekend, I saw the pain my mom would have gone through. It was mind blowing. I am still processing things. Thank you for this post. I am so happy you are taking meds and getting treatment.

tena Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 5:38 pm

@alisha, God that must be so hard- process it- talk to someone- it’s important. Whether you decide medication is for you or not- you need to talk with someone. The pain that was brought on by my family members’ suicides still makes me ache- I wish they talked to someone- anyone! Good luck to you.
tena´s last blog ..Tena doesn’t live here anymore

alisha Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 6:03 pm

@tena, Thank you. I have been talking to someone that is helping me process. I have taken medication before and am all for it. It brought me out of a dark place. If I ever get depressed I got right to my doctor about it. I haven’t felt that way recently but I can tell you that after this weekend I would never do it. I saw all the pain left behind. It was pure devastation. It was so different than other funerals (well you know) only because there are so many questions. His mother was worried about the stigma because it was in the paper everyday for about three days. I told her “my age group doesn’t put stigma on it because we understand and have all been in that mindframe”. I discussed it with many friends and we also have been talked to in school about suicide. It is no longer a taboo to talk about depression and suicide. I just wish he would have said something to someone.

alimartell Says:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:08 pm

I’m so glad that you stopped being so hard on yourself. you need to do whatever you can to make you YOU. whatever it takes. There is no shame in taking pills. LOVE THIS POST. LOVE YOU, LADY!
alimartell´s last blog ..why I should never be left alone to my own devices; a play in two parts.

Barb Says:
October 15th, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Tena,
I can identify with how you feel because I have been there myself. The first time was during college -and my parents sent me to a therapist who helped me enough to get my shit together and be able to function back @ college.

The second time was after my third child was about a year old and I was finally diagnosed as being clinically depressed and my dr. put me on antidepressants. I was on them for about 14 yrs. They really helped. It turned out my body did not make enough of that hormone that makes you want to get out of bed every day and just be happy. About 4 years ago my current doctor slowly weaned me off of the meds and I have been pretty much ok ever since.

The bottom line (especially if you are a mom) is that you do what you have to do to get through a day. If that means taking meds so you can “be there” for your kids… then you do it, because the alternative is something you don’t want them to see.

The meds are not a sign of weakness- but rather a sign of strength that you are taking control of your life.
Barb´s last blog ..Why is it that most kids think their parents are dumb?

Annie Says:
October 15th, 2009 at 10:21 pm

Tena K- Good for you. Taking care of your self is not as easy as it should be. I happen to like you drugged or foot loose and fancy free.
Annie´s last blog ..On Grades in School: An "A" for character…

schmutzie Says:
October 16th, 2009 at 1:37 pm

This weblog entry is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/10/five-star-fridays-edition-75.html
schmutzie´s last blog ..Grace in Small Things: Part 325 of 365

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